This post might sound like I’m complaining, but I’m really not.
For the most part, the fact that I’m blind just kinda lives in the background layer of my life. It’s not something I constantly think about, it doesn’t define me, but it’s a huge part of my life, obviously. Listening to my screen reader every day or interacting with jayden are constant reminders, but they aren’t bad reminders.
Not long ago, when the budget made me wait before I could download a book, I actually thought, ‘I’ll just borrow one from B.’ Um, wait no, that won’t work. It’s thoughts like that that make me forget I’m blind. No really. I forget. The way I live now is such the norm that I forget I’m missing a vital sense.
Then there are days like today, where lots of little things add up for a bbig whopping reminder. If I’m not careful, these things can leave me feeling helplesss.
It started off with not being able to find Timmy this morning, to lock him up before taking Jayden out. Tears threatened to spill at the feeling powerless of it all. B got up and found the stupid cat. Great.
Then just picking up Jayden’s waste was a reminder. He picked a spot right by the stupid bush and I practically sat on the bush. Then I couldn’t find the poop. I hate landscape rocks. Try feeling around landscape rocks with your hand swathed in plastic, waiting to feel squishy. Ewww.
Then when I set my coffee down on my laptop cart, my cell phone went flying. Then I couldn’t negotiate the lining up of USB chord and port. Frustrating making.
What topped it all off was my heater wasn’t blowing very hot so I called maintenence. I had thought we were changing the filter regularly, but apparently we had forgotten. Also, the vent in front of the filter was caked with grime, which the maintenence guy vacuumed off. If I could see, I would have replaced the filter, I would have noticed the muck and cleaned it. Just another glaring reminder. Then he showed me where the doors to the hall closet, which are ventilated doors to allow air flow, are getting dirty too. I ran my hand along the slats and cringed.
Like I said, most of the time this stuff just doesn’t bother me. In fact, my life has gotten pretty awesome since going blind. After all, I wouldn’t have Jayden and I wouldn’t know you all.
Unfortunately when the reminders hit, other things that might be a nagging bother get blown up. The latest one? How on earth will I make sure the formatting for my novel is correct when it comes time to submit my first fifty pages to an agent? How am I going to make sure it’s a Microsoft document when I use an Apple? Will I need sighted help just to make sure the novel isn’t a formatting disaster?
Granted, I’m a ways away from submission. I’ve got about 60,000 words, but no ending yet, having taking a break from it for a few days.
Anyway, just some observations. Ever have one of those days where *everything* reminds you you’re blind?
Oh, and a discussion on Facebook has me thinking too. I haven’t decorated for Christmas since going blind. There are a few reasons, like B’s cats not being trained to stay away from things and fear that if a cat were to knock off an ornament, Jayden might eat it. Really though, what’s the point?
I’m sure lots of blinks decorate for Christmas. But I just don’t see the point in expending my already short supply of energy on digging out the suitcase full of decorations from my mess of a store room, putting everything up, worrying about the cats, and not even being able to see it. Why bother?
I might be bah humbug about it but, oh well. B wouldn’t care anyway and he’s the only one who could see it. I do miss my decorations, and maybe I get a little bummed at the thought of them. Maybe I’ll think about digging them out…but therein lays a whole ‘nother blink problem: finding it in the mess of the storage room without killing myself. Yeah, no point.
Ok, that’s it, really. 😉