Thoughts on pain management and how scared I am of it

Pain management has always been something in the back of my mind, something I’ve known I’ll need to look into eventually but I really didn’t think eventually would come so soon.

The neurologist I saw when I was first diagnosed with MS in 2006 said there’s no pain with MS. I realize now that I have a huge resentment at that man. I believed him. I wish I could have videotaped myself this morning to show him. No pain with MS? Here, watch this. Watch the sobbing and the bending over in pain, watch as I just try to get my dog fed and relieved, watch as I sobbed just wanting to get to the couch, watch as I lay there unable to move but needing to since no position was comfortable and tell me there’s no pain with MS.

It feels like an exposed nerve on a tooth. Everywhere. It feels like daggers are being shoved into my knees and then bolts of pain radiate down my shins and up my thighs. It feels like a school of little pain children was just released on the last day of the semester and they’re running along my bones and muscles and nerves.

Four Advil eventual took the very edge of the pain off and canceling my doctor’s appointment eased the sobbing, knowing I wouldn’t need to leave the house. I’m grateful they were understanding and rescheduled me for next week. Always find a silver lining, always. Or go insane with it all.

I do what I can to ease the pain. I exercise and get regular massages. I stretch. I do yoga. I soak in the bath. But those things don’t help the flairs of acute pain like what attacked me this morning upon awakening.

I knew rain was in the forecast. I felt it Friday while I was on the phone with Carol. “I suddenly feel rain pain,” I said.

“Is rain coming?” Carol asked.

“I don’t know, let’s check.” I hopped on my weather page. Yep, fifty percent chance of rain Monday night. It’s Monday morning and already raining. Add that to the early arrival of Aunt Flo for her monthly visit yesterday and you have a recipe for disaster.

I wanted pot this morning. Just the thought of it brought tears of longing for the relief I knew it would bring. I never enjoyed pot recreationally even in my drinking days but I did smoke it if it was available when I had a migraine or cramps and it worked like nothing else ever did. When I have moments of acute pain, it’s all I think about.

Today I finally accepted that it’s time to discuss pain management with my doc next week and that terrifies me. Just thinking about it makes the tears well up again. I’m afraid of pills. I’m afraid of getting hooked on pills. I’m afraid my strength in sobriety will ebb one day when emotions have my bases loaded and I’ll talk myself into pain I don’t have so I can take a pill. I’m terrified of what drugs do to organs. I love the fact that I don’t abuse my liver with booze anymore. I don’t want to make it process anything else. But four Advil isn’t good either. I see that now.

This is another turning point in life with MS. I’ve talked with Carol before about how the blindness made the MS real for the government and for many people in my life. I didn’t look sick before I couldn’t see. It took the loss of my eyes to show how severe my disease is. I don’t mind the blindness. Too much awesome stuff has happened as a result of going blind, like Jayden and the Rays. I hate the MS though. I hate that my blindness is seen as my primary disability. I hate the people see me as so capable. Why don’t you work? Why don’t you go back to school? Those questions had all stopped when I went blind but they creep up again from time to time. You’re so adjusted. Yeah, until rain happens while Aunt Flo is in town or even when she isn’t. Today was just a powder keg exploding finally letting me know I need to have a backup plan for severe pain days such as this.

I’m just scared. I had to write it out that I’m scared. There are others like me out there. You’ve been scared too. Maybe you’ll google something about being scared of pain management and read this and know you’re not alone.

Here’s another silver lining. The couch came in the most perfect of times. I don’t see me getting up off this couch for any length of time today. It’s perfect and comfy cozy for bad pain days. Thank you, Carol!


Filed under doc, fellowship, gratitude, Jayden, sobriety, spoons, weather, yoga

14 Responses to Thoughts on pain management and how scared I am of it

  1. Anonymous

    Please consider modifying your diet.

  2. Anonymous

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  3. Ro

    I gave a second thought to publishing that comment. Anonymous actually posted it twice.

    I probably should not reply to that in the state that I’m in but let me offer some education, anonymous, because if you knew me, you’d know that I take care when it comes to health and wellness. Modify my diet? Do you know what I eat? I doubt it. Are you my doctor? I don’t think so. If you are, mention that to me when I see you next week.

    Modify my diet. Wow. That is the problem with the world folks, people thinking they know all about your problems and how to fix them.

    I guess that’s what I get for posting this, but seriously? I should check my stat counter and see if someone is just trolling and found this post so they could offer what they think is a solution based on absolutely no information about me personally or medically.

  4. Ro

    That just hit me hard because this pain isn’t constant. If it was my diet, I’d be this miserable all the time. It’s comments like that that is a big reason why My world is so small now and I only really talk to others who get it. I don’t think I’ll blog about my health anymore.

  5. Ro–ignore the comment and don’t stop blogging about your health, or anything you need to get out! Hugs to you.

  6. Ro

    Thank you. *hugs*

    One of my first thoughts was, well then, I’ll just go back on the Cheetos I quit. For my health. 😉

  7. How about the person who wants to post stupid crap about changing diets really use their name? That to me is just being scared. If you knew RO in the smallest way you would know about her addiction to excersise and eating pretty healthy. In fact, most recently she gave up the pretty much last unhealthy snack she had in Cheetos. Don’t go posting garbage about changing diets unless you know the person who’s blog you are posting on. You had no right, and no clue about posting about changing diets. For all we know you are some hugely obese person who needs to change your own diet first. This post was about pain management and the fear she experiences with pain relievers available to her. So, please save us all some time and don’t go posting crap about changing diets when you obvioulsy have no clue about whats going on over here.
    Thank you very much!

  8. Ro

    Hehehehe awww you’ve got my back. 🙂 Glad to see your feistiness has returned!

  9. Ro your health is part of you-we don’t read the blog just for all the good things/roses in the garden. You have good days and bad days-so does everybody. I can’t imagine what kind of pain you’re in though, but it must suck.

    When i read that comment i thought you heartless bitch. You certainly don’t be so rude about that and even if someone knew me i would kill them if they said that to me.

    Hang in there :). You can do this. You can. Just have faith. You have come through so much.

    And please talk to your doctor. If they are a good doctor they’ll understand.

    Take care, xxx.

  10. Ro

    Thanks. *hugs* Yeah I see my doc next week. Was supposed to be today but I think it worked out well that I experienced this pain before seeing her. I think what hit me so hard was because for so long, when I had a bad pain or fatigue day, I’d question if I caused it. I’ve finally understood that MS has a mind of its own, so to hear, change your diet just stung.

  11. Ug people are dumb. There was a dude from Stroke Recovery who came in to our committee to talk about what their support group does. The first thing he did was explain that he wasn’t in the risk factors for stroke, he ate well, but he got a stroke anyway. What does our insensitive chair ask him? “When you had a stroke, did they tell you to change anything about your diet?” I wanted to get up and drag her from the room in disgust. Never mind that diet douche. Did you read that post about…what was the big word I can’t spell? The word that means giving medical advice without any friggin knowledge of the person. That’s all diet douche was doing.

  12. Ro

    Diet douche hahahahaha!!!! That sounds like some convoluted product or something hahahaha! Use the diet douche and lose 5 pounds in a week! Hahahaha!

    Ah, needed that laugh. Pain is bad again this morning and the rain is showing no signs of stopping.

  13. I think that Ever Cleanse stuff now has a new name. It’s now Diet Douche!

    Yes, new and improved Diet Douche. Have you just eaten an anonymous chickencrap commenter for breakfast? Doth your digestive system now protest muchly that it can handle not the mother load of unhealthy and unwanted excrement you hath dropped upon it? Do you need a pick me up after putting it down? If you answered yes to any of these questions, Diet Douche is for you! A double dose of the double D will have you feeling right as rain while the douches in your world swirl down the drain!

    Side effects may include feeling better, not giving a hoot about idiots/morons/fools, ignoring useless advice, happiness and the need to remove your shoe from some douche’s arsecrack.

    Ask some guy on the street about Diet Douche. It’s available now at slightly below average stores near you. the fine retailers wouldn’t take it, they know us too well.

  14. Ro

    Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Bravo Steve, bravo!!!!!!!!!

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