This that and the other thing

Ahhhhh….that’s the noise one makes when things start getting done, the feeling of being overwhelmingly busy begins to subside and life starts looking a little normal again.

I’m waiting to update on Jayden until I get a phone call, so that will be in a Diaries post. I just wanted to update on where I’ve been, since I know I’ve been a bit absent.

Aside from worrying about Jayden all week, I’ve been working on the F2K writing course I mentioned briefly here. It’s been a lot of fun exploring my creativity in a fictional sense, since here everything is fact. I was talking to Georgie about it and telling her how weird it is that characters are just taking chape, seemingly with no real work from me. I suppose it helps that my female character is based a lot on me. The first assignment was to have the character write about me from her perspective. I was able to have her talk about herself in tandem with talking about me, and what came out is that she’s like the old me, the negative me, the dark me. She’s the part of me that is in the past, demons not dealt with. My maile character is turning into more of the present me, with solutions to life’s problems, an inner light, a strong sense of spirituality. It was so crazy to read back what I had written, to see who these people are becoming, and now I can’t wait to explore more and find out exactly what their setting is. I have ideas of course, but if the first lesson taught me anything, it’s that my ideas will morph and twist and become something I never expected. Georgie said I should post my assignments on my blog, but I don’t think I will. The class setting is pretty protected from theft, but a blog? Yeah, not gonna trust that. So many people have told me I should write a book about my life, based on what they’ve read here and while the thought intrigued me, it didn’t excite me like my fictional characters have. So, maybe I am supposed to write a book, but maybe it’ll be a fictional one.

Aside from that, I went to a rehearsal for a choir last Monday, but we’re not sure it’s going to go anywhere. It’s a completely different style than I’m used to. It’s Afro Cuban, done in a call and response style. The lyrics are learned by repetition and memorization, and they are not english haha! It was a lot of fun, but we’ll see if it continues.

I’ve been pretty isolated lately. I’m not really sure if it’s my doing or not. I mean I’m still going to Saavi and stuff, but obviously the last week we were pretty home bound while Jayden was sick.

I guess I’m talking more about getting out and being with friends. I think I’ve hit another impass in my life, where it comes to how I handle my sobriety. I have an incredibly strong relationship with my God and my spirituality. I practice the principles of what I’ve learned in my recovery program. I do these things by nature now, because I love what they’ve made me. I love who I am today, so why would I want to stop? It has become less about staying sober and more about continuing to be the person I want to be. Which actually is all about staying sober, because by doing these things and being happy with myself, there’s no reason to even want to pick up a drink.

The thing is, I’ve started getting some judgement for the way I do these things. I don’t do it the “typical” way. I don’t go to meetings every day anymore, like I used to. It’s not that I’ve chosen not to, but with my special circumstances, I’ve had to adapt my sobriety to fit with my limitations. I talk to another alcoholic daily, heck, I live with one. I’m surrounded by recovery 24 hours a day, not just for an hour in a meeting. The problems I’m running into are other people in the fellowship not being open minded at all that it can work this way too. I know their judgement comes from a place of love, but it’s just misguided, and if anything, it makes me want to run from the rooms, which is a sad commentary. I’ve talked with the people who know me best, B, Carol, Georgie and Erik, and they’ve all assured me that what I’m doing is working just fine. Georgie and I were talking about how you just need life experience to make you really see that there are different ways, and before I had mine, I was one of those who thought it had to be done n a meeting every day too. Carol and I were talking about pre and post spiritual experience, and how everyone intuits that differently. I’m feeling much better now after talking to these people, and I’ve always known I was right with God, and that matters more to me than anyone’s opinion. I just needed to hear it from others who value God in the same why I do, to fully accept that I’m doing just fine.

I have done some back sliding in the things I worked on in therapy, though. Namely my self esteem and confidence have taken some major blows and I had worked so hard to build those things up. My therapist had graduated me back in August, and I need to get in to see her again. There are just certain things that the steps and the fellowship can’t fix, that outside help has been the best for.

I had definitely fallen into a bit of a depression in the last couple weeks, and it’s not usually until I’m about to come out of it that I can recognize it and go, oh! That’s why I was so blue! Haha! So things are looking up there and when I get back to my therapist, she’ll be able to narrow it all down even more.

When I start taking on projects galore, I know I’m trying to step away from my own little reality. Not to say I’m trying to escape, but when I get uncomfortable, I’ll take on something different. Which is actually a good thing, in my opinion. As they say, pain is the cornerstone of spiritual growth, and for me, that takes shape in several different ways.

I’m really enjoying the autism series. I got really behind in posting daily, but I got caught up today. I’m just making the number on the autism label match the date. I was starting to wonder if anyone was reading the series because I’m not getting comments aside from Katrin, who really adds to the material. But I looked at my stat counter today, and people are reading and following the links, so that makes me happy. The whole point of the series is to help people become aware and I hope it’s helping that it’s all in one place and written for the layman. I’m really excited for tomorrow’s post, because I have a guest poster! You’ll have to tune in tomorrow to read it. 🙂

So, that’s where I’ve been. I’m settling in to the writing course, and can’t wait for the next lesson to be posted on Wednesday. I’m so surprised at the feedback I’m getting. Someone told me I’m good at “turn of phrase” which I had to ask what that even means, and I’m still not even sure haha! People have said my writing was poetic. Wow. Never would have thought that. Hopefully some day I’ll be able to share it with you all. I’m already thinking about the audio book narrators hahaha!!

A Diaries post is coming soon, promise.

Oh haha, I have to mention that B is out buying me a new belt right now. I was going to go with him, but don’t want to take Jayden out yet, so we measured my old belt so he can get a smaller one. I’ve had that belt since about 2002 and it finally needs to be replaced with a smaller one. *grin* So happy!

7 Comments

Filed under accomplishment, Choir, faith, fellowship, I might be a writer, Jayden, plugs, sobriety, therapy

7 Responses to This that and the other thing

  1. Anonymous

    Good golly, I love you!
    ~Carol

  2. Ro

    I love you too!

    You know what I realized, I didn’t include Chupa in the list of people that made me feel better. I’m pretty sure I talked to her about that stuff.

  3. I hope to hear something good about Jayden soon!
    You sound busy 🙂

  4. Hey there. I was a wee touch worried about you the last little while, but I chalked it up to it being the first two months home with Jayden. Even when things are going well, it can be hard on you. I can’t count the number of times I was unsure of myself, scared, etc. for the first two months home. Steve, how many times did I say I was going to call the counselor at the school? And how crazy neurotic was I? I was convinced I had to spend every waking moment doing something with the dog, and then I was terrified Steve was feeling squeezed out.

    And then there was the other stuff you mentioned the other day. I was thinking about calling you, but I know how much phoning can murder your spoons. But you haven’t been far from my mind. Let me know if you need anything.

    Take this post and frame it somewhere, and the next time people pass judgment on the way you do stuff, have a good long look at it. To me, it is not the means to the end that matters, it is the end. I’m not in recovery, but I figure if you’re happy with your life and you’re not chuggin’ back the booze, that’s what matters, not how many meetings you sit in.

    I think there aren’t many comments not because people aren’t reading, but because people are just absorbing and may not have any questions or thoughts on the subject. I’m always surprised at what gets comments and what doesn’t.

    Hang in there. And hang in there too, Jayden, ya big goofy boy. We still don’t know what got you sick, ya big silly.

  5. Oh yes, I remember that for sure. And it didn’t matter what I said or how many times I said I wasn’t feeling squeezd out at all, you were still convinced I was.

    You also forgot to mention how you thought that if you went even 1 minute off the schedule the dog would break.

    “Oh crap! It’s 10:02! Oh no oh no oh no! sorry doggers! Please don’t shit the house…please!”

    Now as for what gets comments and what doesn’t, …it’s a nice door…

    If anybody other than Carin gets that, there are some really oldschool Vomit comet people reading this lol.

    And I know I’ve said this to you before, but if what you’re doing is working for you, that should be good enough for you, and also good enough for people who claim to care about you. To each his own. If they need a meeting a day they can have one, but until you’re getting picked up on a drunk and disorderly they need to butt out and leave you alone. Asking how you are is fine, but projecting their disappointment or maybe disapproval might be a better word on you is another thing entirely.

  6. Hahahaha oh god. I did do that too, didn’t I? Yuppers, psycho. Psycho psycho psycho! Seeing that “don’t shit the house, please” thing written out makes me giggle now that I know how hard she will work to tell me “I have to poop I have to poop I have to poop poop poop!”

    Oh the damn door. The comments are gone from that post since it was a system pre-Echo/haloscan, but this was the entire post.

    So. We got a new front door at our house the other day. Ummm….. it’s a nice door…..

    and we were getting comments on that for days! And on other posts, people would ask Matt how his door was. Seriously. A door got a hella ton of comments. There was no picture. That was his whole post. We have a door. Yeah. People were talking about how they thought the post was going to be all deep, and it was just a post about a door. They wanted descriptions of the door, whether it had a screen, what colour it was, can we have a picture?

    Oooo it’s 12:05. If I were old me, I would start going off about how Doggers is going to shit the house because we go out at noon. Noon!

  7. I think when you’re in recovery you have to do what works for you. I have a number of friends in recovery and they all do it a little differently. One swears by AA and thinks anyone who is not in that program going to a daily meeting is going to go back to the booze and fail. I have another who has some different spiritual beliefs and has found ways to keep herself and her actions accountable in alternative ways that have worked well for her for the past few years. So both friends in those examples are staying sober and clean and leading a healthier life, but their means to an end are vastly different. I do not think either is better than the other, nor is either wrong, they do what works for them. And I think that is what you have to do for you.

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