Sometimes life is just plain hard. Just keep swimming.

I’m having a really difficult time staying in the center of the roof. Not as far as my sobriety goes, that is the only thing in my life I have complete choice in, so that’s stable, but the rest of life stuff? I’ve been teetering on the edge for awhile now, struggling to cope, taking it all a day at a time, talking to my closest friends, but I still lost my balance and fell today. I suppose it’s good when something pushes you in to a complete emotional breakdown when you’ve been unknowingly keeping it from happening.

I haven’t even wanted to blog about what’s been going on, but today I feel the need. In early February, Gamma took a spill and broke her hip. They had a hard time getting her heart to stabilize for surgery, but they finally accomplished with medication so they could repair the bone. The surgery was successful and they put in a pacemaker to keep her heart stabilized.

She was in the hospital longer than expected because of the heart complications and finally moved to the rehab facility for physical therapy about a month ago.

I was able to talk to her every day and she kept telling me how much she just wanted to go home after rehab, her friend offered to move in and help etc. My dad and uncle were looking at assisted living facilities which upset Gamma. Eventually they agreed to try her at home and see how it went when she was done with physical therapy and everything was looking up. Or so I thought.

Dad called one day to tell me that Gamma started having episodes of dementia at night. I won’t go into details, but they were so severe that the rehab place took her phone. I have not been able to speak with her for nearly two weeks now, except for one time when she agreed to talk to me on Dad’s cell phone.

Next week she will be moving to an assisted living facility equipped to help her with everything. I’ll be relieved when she moves, because she’ll have her own room which she’ll be glad about, but she’s not going to like living in the single room. She has claustrophobia and doesn’t like being confined in one room for long, so I’m not sure how this is going to work. When she found out about her dementia episodes, she said if she had known that would happen, she wouldn’t have gotten the pacemaker. I understand, because now the pacemaker will keep her going even as her brain betrays her.

I haven’t been able to help with any of this. I’ve been struggling with my feelings of uselessness, knowing this isn’t bout me, but also acknowledging that this effects me too. Gamma is my second mom. This has been such a huge change for both of us, not just in her health and living situation but our relationship. I feel like I’ve just been wandering through life since all this happened. I’m starting to worry about my dad since he’s had to handle this assisted living thing on his own while my uncle is out of town for work. I feel so damn useless since I can’t jump in the car and go sit in on these things with him.

There’s so much more, but the rest of it is very personal and not to be written for the public eye. I guess I decided to write this all out so my friends know what’s going on with me. My life is so online these days that I guess this is the way to reach out and explain why I might fly off the handle over things that other people might not see as stressful.

It’s funny the things that let me know I need to do some work to stay sane. One of my red flags is now when I shut Twitter down for the day. When I can’t handle Twitter, that’s when I know it’s time for reflection on my spirituality. Luckily that hasn’t wavered, and while everything is very uncertain, in ways not expressed here, I somehow know I’ll be ok. Twitter has been an incredible support in many ways and I almost didn’t write this because one of my friends lost her own grandma last night. I know she’ll understand if she reads this though and I know we’ll keep swimming together.

Jayden just began dream barking on the couch beside me as I was finishing this post. I’ve said it a million times but I really truly don’t think I could manage to keep a smile on my face if I didn’t have Jayden. Baseball isn’t even helping at the moment. It’s only spring training, something I’m getting so sick of saying, but things aren’t pretty. I’ve got the Rays/Pirates game on in the background as I write and it’s not helping my mood. I know a Pirates fan who will like it though, so that’s a silver lining.

*Edit. James Shields just picked a guy off third base. That made me smile.


Filed under baseball, faith, family, fellowship, Gamma, gratitude, Jayden, misty eyes, sobriety, twitter me this

10 Responses to Sometimes life is just plain hard. Just keep swimming.

  1. Hey hun! I’m sooo sorry for what went down today. I was slightly out of line, and you’ve got a voicemail when you get around to it! I love you, I hate that you are having to go through all this, but I let my own problems cloud my opinions and words this morning. I shouldn’t have let it be that way, but I did and I feel like an epic failure for it. I miss you, though its only been a few hours. I promise, if you want to update, and run into any problems I’ll help the best I can, and I’ll do my damndest to make Taylor help too. Just know, Im always here if you need me, and I will do my best to not let anything like this morning happen again from me at least.

    Chin up Charlie, The sun will come out tomorrow, and just keep swimming.


  2. aww dude. Damn it all. Well hopefully she doesn’t have to spend all day in the room, she’ll have some space to move around. But gees. Took her phone? That really sucks. Man I wish I was closer.

  3. Ro

    It’s ok Amanda. It was a good lesson in what not to discuss on Twitter when I’m not ok. Problem was, I didn’t know I wasn’t ok. I do now, so I can take steps to get a little better. I don’t think I’ll ever be great, but that’s just something I have to accept I think. I just really needed to walk away from the internet. I attacked my house and probably won’t be able to move tomorrow as a result, but it was cleaning that needed to be done, and then I talked to Carol for a long time. She and I are just in such similar boats that we get the feelings of doom and hopelessness.

    Carin, yeah, it just sucks. I don’t know if she’ll be allowed to have a phone in this new place or not. It’s just awful. Since day one of me being blind I have talked to her every day. This just isn’t ok. Knowing she’s alive and on this planet but I’m not allowed to talk to her. This too shall pass, but something else is just lurking around the corner ready to smack me, I’m sure of it. I have a feeling my positive outlook on life might just have deserted me for awhile.

  4. I just felt horrible after what went down today. I had it pointed out to me today that I’ve either got a serious case of PMS again, or I’m depressed again.. either way I’ve got to make myself in check. There was no excuse for my behavior, it was just unacceptable. I’m happy you got your house cleaned and I hope it won’t interfere with your workout tomorrow… I’ve missed you today, twitter just hasn’t been the same… Gah! I just can’t get this feeling of being awful to a great friend makes me an awful person. Ah, but I’ll get over it.. I hope they let her have a phone of some kind in this new place. Sending you thoughts, hugs, and prayers.


  5. Ro

    Don’t feel terrible. When I told Carol about what happened she said it sounded like just the perfect storm for my emotional break, and that’s really what it was. I am feeling so very, incredibly, horribly stressed and rather hopeless right now that it just tipped me over. On any other day I would have laughed it off but it was just bad timing.

    You weren’t that bad, seriously. When it was just you and Nick I was just letting it roll off. It was when others got involved that I couldn’t take it anymore. That conversation is over and done and in the past and there are just much bigger things that we both have to worry about than a stupid conversation over an OS. I opened Twitter and just skipped through the rest of what was said and you and I re completely ok, ok? I just needed a good emotional break and I had to do it offline. I don’t think you have PMS or are depressed. You’re allowed to have rough moments. We all are. Don’t listen to that negative bullshit.

  6. Oh, hon, I love you.

  7. I am so very sorry to hear. Wishing the best for your grandma and all. I really could relate – I recall when my dad was ill — I so longed to be able to just hop in the car and help in the way that I wanted/used to be able to. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. Ro

    Yeah, that really is one of the hardest parts. When I was diagnosed with MS and couldn’t work, she had just lost her license. For over a year, I was with her about three days a week, taking her shopping, going out to lunch, going to the doc, whatever she needed. When I think back on that time, it was the best year of my life. And now I’m just so stuck. I used to be able to talk to her on the phone at least, be there for her that way, and now I can’t even do that. Ugh.

  9. What a beautiful relationship you have had with her — hoping you will be able to get to her soon somehow. So hard. xoxo.

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