I had to cancel my workout today. About three quarters of the way through Monday’s workout, I started yawning. And it just hasn’t stopped since. There has been a storm front moving in and I know that’s what’s doing it. I talked to a friend last night who’s also got an auto immune and she’s been on her couch for days. I’m always trying to figure out what I did wrong when these fatigues hit. Did I not eat right? Was I not active enough? Is it because I’m not on any meds? I don’t know why I do this to myself. Yes, I’m eating right. Yes, I’ve been plenty active. I used to feel worse on the meds. It’s just the nature of the beast. It just happens. There’s no preventing it. No changing it. No pushing through it when it gets like this. I’m so grateful for The Spoon Theory, which I linked to a bunch yesterday, because it’s so good at describing what it’s like.
I wonder if I can describe how I feel right now. Hmmm. Ok, you know when your foot falls asleep? You know how that tingling starts when the blod goes back to your foot? My muslces feel like that. Not the crazy thingling. Like, how it feels when it’s just starting to go from numb to tingling. And everything aches. Not a terrible ache, but a dull annoying ache. And my head feels like it’s sitting about ten feet away from me. Like, I know I’m thinking up there, but it’s like my brain and my body are on a 3 second delay. And my eyes feel soooo heavy. Like I haven’t slept in days. I have the urge to stretch constantly. I actually wish I could have someone just grab my legs and pull. Or I wish I had one of those traction things where I could hang from my ankles.
The slightest activity makes me tired. Even typing. Write now my hands are aching; the joints feel like they will almost stop working. My arms hurt, like little needles are traveling up my nerves. I will pay just for writing a post.
On days like this, the only time I feel ok is when I’m on the couch zoned out to a book. I can’t even find the motivation to crochet. As soon as I get up to check the computer or refill my coffee, my body starts screaming at me to stop moving.
I was going to push through and go work out, but as soon as I started making the bed, I knew I couldn’t. I called Gamma because I needed someone to tell me it was ok not to go. Then I called and cancelled my ride and emailed Lisa. And now I’m just bummed. It’s going to be a long day, just counting down until it’s time to sleep. I hear the birds outside, the happy spring birds. They sound different when spring is lurking around the corner. The birds know, and they put on their happy songs, urging spring to come in from out of sight. I hope their tempting songs work, I hope they are the sirens of spring. Maybe later I’ll go stand by the door and let their song fill me up. It’s days like this that I must fight the blues, fight the depression of my physical state. This too shall pass.