Most of the time after a social setting, I am just in a good mood and happy about the outing. But sometimes, I say something and then the next day it haunts me, like, man I shouldn’t have said that, that was stupid, what will they think, they hate me. Its not often that I feel this way, but thats how I’m feeling this morning. Its probably just fine, but I can’t help but wonder. I think I’ll say something next time I see the girls.
I’m a pretty confident woman. I think I’m likeable and funny and I think I would enjoy my own company, in fact I do enjoy my own company. I’ve always been pretty confident, but there have been times in my life where I’ve felt less than confident.
Growing up on the south side of town was fine until I got to sixth grade. Suddenly I was not liked, and people I had been friends with in elementary school were no longer my friends. In sixth grade, it was all about wearing Guess jeans and tons of gold. My family was ok money wise, but we didn’t buy that stuff. I wore Prowings from Payless and the kids would say “Prowing power!” and make fun of my non namebrand clothes.That was the least of it. I got made fun of in gym because I didn’t shave my legs yet. Geez, I was in sixth grade. I still played with Barbies. It got so bad, that my mom spoke with the principal to find out if I was making all this up just so I could shave. After having my story confirmed, I was allowed to shave my legs. I still got made fun of for my clothes, but the worst was being called “effing white b*tch” at ever turn. By seventh grade I was depressed and hated school. A girl was taunting me during lunch, and I finally asked her why she hated me. She said, “Because of what your ancestors did to mine!” Were these kids being taught this? Taught to hate white kids because of the distant past? Yikes. I just focused on my studies and contemplated suicide. I don’t really remember eight grade.
When I got to high school I was prepared this time. I knew I’d pretty much be hated so I wasn’t surprised. Grunge rock was in full force and I took to wearing ripped jeans, flannel shirts around the waist and rock tshirts. I found the other “freaks” and we banded together and played guitars in front of the library and crowd surfed each other haha! I was one of the few smart freaks, well they were all smart, but I was one of the few who applied myself, because I wanted to go to medical school.
In my junior year I really focused on school. I had left the choir I had belonged to since 4th grade, where I had really belonged, to focus on college applications. I joined the Academic Decathlon, just like it sounds, a decathlon, but not for athletes, for geeks 😉 I really found my place there, and in my AP classes. I excelled in writing and biology.
Finally I made it to senior year, and my team made it to the state competition. We smuggled up some Jack Daniels and Southern comfort and got drunk in the hotel room. That was my first experience waking up with a guy. I totally freaked out, not remembering what had happened, and he assured me nothing did. I can’t be certain, because I had blacked out, but I’m pretty sure he was telling the truth. I was still a virgin, so I think I would have “felt” if anything had happened.
I should backtrack a little at this point and explain that I was part of an atypical family. I say atypical, because my parents were still married. I was an only child, and therefor had everything I needed. (minus the rediculously expensive clothes my peers thought I should have, which led me never to step into a Gap, to this day). I never resented the life I had until I started feeling like I was the reason for my parents’ unhappiness. I know now that they did the right thing in staying married, because it gave me stability,and they scrificed for their child. I’m glad they did now, but at the time, I carried the heavy burden of feeling responsible for the fact that they weren’t the happiest couple. But, I had a good childhood, aside from the racism I had to live with. I was a huge X-Files fan and Star Trek TNG geek. Nirvana saved my life and got me out of hip hop 😉
My mom and I were very close. She kept me on a tight leash, which of course at the time I wasn’t too thrilled about, but understood. I had good morals and values, was a good kid and student, and remained a virgin until I was 21, a fact I am very proud of.
During my senior year, my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was given 2 years with treatment. I was devestated. I jumped even more into my studies, to make her proud. I won a bronze medal in interview, and placed 4th in the essay competition, the one I had really hoped to medal in. We didn’t do anything at state, but have a good time.
I graduated high school with a regents waiver to the university, and I was premed. So bittersweet, knowing my mom wouldn’t be around to see me graduate college. She got to be at my high school graduation though, and lived until I was twenty.
I’ll get into my college years in another post. I wasn’t expecting to share part of my story in this post, but I guess starting off talking about obsessing over a stupid comment I made, led mt to it. I managed to regain the confidence I had lost in school, but at times like these, maybe that girl comes back out.
I learned in group yesterday that trauma is “anything that has a lasting effect”. I can see how this is true even of my school years. But, I am a survivor as long as I don’t still play victim. For the most part I don’t, but sometimes I do regress, like worrying about the impression I made with that comment. I sure hope I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings…
Anywa, enough about me for now. I was half tempted to write about my cats, after reading puppy blogs all weekend. Maybe later =)