When I was just a youngin, I crushed on boys a lot. I can still remember the little purple diary with white hearts and the proclamations of, “I have a boyfriend. His name is Joseph”. I was in first grade. Like much of the crushes I had later in life, Joseph never knew I existed. At least then, I had the fact that he probably wasn’t in to girls yet going for me.
For some reason this morning I was reflecting on the word “crush” as it relates to an almost three-three year old woman in a committed relationship. Do I have crushes now?
This train of thought led me to another consideration. I’ve been in my relationship since before I went blind. I’ve experienced being attracted to men based on attributes besides their looks. Just because you are married or committed doesn’t mean you don’t still window shop. It’s human nature. For me, only if there is intent behind an attraction, is is dangerous.
Evan Longoria is a good sample to showcase my uncanny ability to pick out attractive men even when I can’t see them. Evan could be a cheat though, a cheat for me I mean, since he’s an athlete. I’m not saying all athletes are attractive. Cough CC Sabathia cough. However something about Evan attracted me before I ever heard him speak or received a description of him. Here is where I think for me, the word crush is, in most cases, admiration. Longoria was the rookie of the year in 2008 when I fell in love with him and consequently the Tampa Bay Rays. His and the Rays story hooked me emotionally. The young athlete who wasn’t even thought of as the big thing until he was, the struggling baseball team who changed their name and went to the World Series. It was emotion and a desire to clutch on to something great in my time of literal darkness that galvanized the feelings of attraction for Evan. It just so happened that he was also gorgeous. I got lucky.
However I’ve lost track of times I’ve been out with the girls, hear a man speak and whisper, “he’s cute, isn’t he?” I’ve never been wrong. At least the girls have never said otherwise and I don’t think they’d lie.
Those instances were purely based on voice after an “excuse me” at the store or a quick conversation at the register. I call that talent, but that is more the superficial attraction I notice now as a woman without sight.
The question about crush versus admiration came out today based on “getting to know” someone based on their online persona. Twitter and blogs and youtube channels are a great way to peer into a person’s soul, if they’re the type to share their personality online. Of course you will never get the entire picture of someone until you’ve been with them in person and often times not even then, but you get a pretty darn good sample.
Several women, myself included, talk about their Twitter crush. Is this a phenomenon? Do men do it too? I liken it to that crush in high school. Will I see him in the hall today after fourth period? Will he tweet in the next hour? The butterflies are similar. Only it’s not the first comes love variety for me. Which is why I think it’s more of an admiration. Admiration crush?
I had a professional crush on the doctor I worked for before I went blind. There was never any intent behind it, I was never tempted to go outside my relationship and come on to him in his office, but there was definitely a crush type feeling at times. I remember marveling on it then, how when we discussed a patient’s mystery ailment and the doctor figured it out, I found myself aroused, but not in a let’s get a hotel room way. I love medicine, I love medical mysteries and there I was, side by side with a man with MD behind his name as the light went on in his head after I showed him some lab results. I grinned as he thumped the patient’s chart with his thumb and made the aha sound. It was an amazing experience for me. I dubbed it the professional crush.
So perhaps the Twitter crush for a woman my age is simply an admiration crush. The ones who give me butterflies are ones who share similar interests like baseball or writing or forensics. I had the thought though, I’ve never had an admiration crush on a woman on Twitter so perhaps it is based on sexual orientation, which would make it a step above admiration? I suppose you also have to factor in life circumstances. Maybe it’s just fun to feel fourteen again. I could go on and on, but I won’t. Something to ponder.