So I inadvertantly started writing about my story in another post, and thought I’d continue. If you’re so inclined, click the “my story” label to find the other post.
I left off after graduating high school with a tuition waiver to the University It had been my dream to go to college and become a doctor. My mom was going through chemotherapy treatments and was quite sick. I tried college anyway. When I met with the guidance counceler, I told her I was going to need help with math, because I wasn’t very good at it. She told me maybe I should consider a psychology major, because it was still a medical degree, without so much math. I was pretty upset. Just try and dash the hopes and dreams of a freshman. I continued with pre-med, majoring in biochemistry and minoring in computer science. I had to keep a 3.5 GPA to keep my scholarship. I had made it into the honors program and the only thing different about honors classes were a few extra assignments.
I went from August until October, when it became so hard to keep up the grades. The only thing saving me was my essay writing skills, because I could knock out a good paper under pressure. But the rest of the homework was so daunting. My high school had not prepared me for how to study, how to take notes, how to get through difficult exams.
In October, my mom and I took a trip to Nebraska to visit her cousins, knowing it would be her last chance. When we were waiting on a layover, I told her I just couldn’t keep up with school and wanted to withdraw. She was very understanding, knowing that things were so hard. I was watching her die.
We enjoyed our trip, encountered a blizzard, and came home. I took a medical withdrawl from school. That meant I could try and come back and keep my scholarship. I think I went back the following fall, but it might have been spring, I really don’t remember. 18 to 20 is so hazy.
One thing I do remember was over spring break, I smuggled alcohol into a boy’s dorm room while his roommate was away. Just like in high school, I woke up with this guy, but nothing had happened. We were both too drunk. That was really the only time I did anything like that in college. I remember nursing the hangover at the Circle K and then going home and trying to hide it.
I think I managed 2 full semesters, but lost my scholarship. My mom passed away in September of 1999. I’m not really going to get into that here, because that is all still very painful, and I’ve worked through it in therapy, but don’t really want to share on it to the world.
I knew I was going to be getting insurance money, and I had planned to buy a new computer, and take a trip to Maryland, to meet my internet friend. He and I had met by chance one day when I was 18, and was friends with his roommate on ICQ. One day though, the other guy wasn’t there, and I met my friend. We quickly started an internet relationship, and talked on the phone and sent letters. So I bought my tickets to go stay with him and his roommates for 2 weeks. At the last minute I chickened out. It suddenly didn’t seem like such a smart idea, a girl going to stay with guys for 2 weeks, only one of which I sort of knew.
He and I are still friends today though! We lose contact and then always find each other on the IM.
After mom died, I suddenly didn’t have curfew, I didn’t have anyone to be held accountable too, the bubble had burst and I was free. I burned through that insurance money, didn’t work, hung out at the coffee shop and made a bunch of new friends. When I was 21, I moved out, into a house with 3 other girls. This is where this phase of my life started. I break down my life into phases. Before mom was sick, after mom and the crazy times. I’ll get to the other phases when I talk about them.
It was great at first, living in this house. I worked at a call center and made the most money, so I rented the master bedroom. I had my own bathroom, it was all wonderful. Of course we had to have a party to show off our new place. Pretty soon we were having parties a lot. I would get totally wasted and go pass out, sometimes with a guy, sometimes alone. Oh, I had lost my virginity at 21, to another virgin. Its one experience I don’t regret, and I am still very proud of how long I waited, and who I chose to give it to.
Why is she talking about losing her virginity on a public blog? Well, I’m not giving details. 😉 But its important to my story. I had been so careful with my body, had strong morals, didn’t get into trouble, my whole life. When mom died, I went nuts. I don’t use her death as an excuse for my behavior over the next few years. Its like taking a dog off a leash, what does it do? It goes nuts! Same with me.
So in that house began my life of men and booze. I lost the call center job and started working at a video store. I remember taking a bottle of wine home after a family dinner, and I remember thinking I’d have a glass to help me sleep one night. This quickly became habit, and before I knew it, I was drinking every night, finding excuses to party with people or just drink in my room.
It went on like this for 5 years. I bounced from place to place, house to house, man to man, job to job. Somehow I managed to go to phlebotomy school and learn to draw blood. I talk about some of the places I lived in my post about Combat.
I’m not going to go into details of those 5 years, except to mention that I lost a friend to a cocaine/alcohol interaction. One line of coke after a night of drinking and he was dead. I think it was partly him that helped me never to touch drugs aside from pot. Those 5 years were all about drinking, playing pool, using men, letting men use me, treating my body like a trash dump.
In April of 2005 I was living in this fashion, alone now, in my own apartment, that was always a mess, with beer bottles everywhere, cigarette butts, cat mess. I had found a mental health website online for my depression, and I spent my nights in the chatroom there, drinking with the other depressed people. I had remembered hearing in school so many years ago, that if you drink alone, you’re an alcoholic. So I made sure to chat a lot, so I wouldn’t be alone.
Soon I found myself having an affair with a married man. I had hit lows, I had been miserable, but this was beyond anything I had done. this was another woman’s man. I had broken the girl code.
I had been slowly climbing towards bottom before this, and now I was done. I was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt.
When next I write, I’ll pick up at April 24, 2005, my absolute favorite date, the day after my moment of clarity.
Shoot, before I end this part of my story, I need to backtrack and little and just mention that during my entire life, I had been seeking some sort of higher power. I never took to church when I was a kid, but I was seeking something in which to put my faith. After mom died, I quit seeking. She had found faith while she was dying, but I just couldn’t. I was a staunch athiest after that. I ran my own show.
I also was having very strange medical stuff here and there, that no one could put their finger on. After a very odd attack at one of my jobs, (cocktail server at a pool hall), I got hooked up with the doctor I have today. That day at work, I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was racing, my legs didn’t want to hold me, and my hands were clawing. I couldn’t control the thumb trying to claw with my fingers. I had gone to the hospital and they didn’t know what was wrong. My new doctor sent me to a cardiologist, I had an echocardiogram and wore aheart monitor for 24 hours. They said to do my normal activities, so I drank, shot pool, sang karaoke and fought with the boyfriend. Everything was normal with my heart. My doc tested me for HIV and Hepatitis, which were negative, even with my crazy lifestyle.
I just had to mention the seeking thing and the medical thing, because both are quite important to the rest of my story, when I get to it.