MH – Middle school made me suicidal

I just wrote a rant about how this country is boycotting Arizona and it made me think about my school days. Those are days I don’t think about often, but it just occured to me that bullying in school most definitely affected my mental health way back then and even into my adult years. I don’t think I’ve written about it much here, maybe in a ‘my story’ post, but I don’t feel like hunting.

When I started sixth grade, it all went down hill. I grew up in a part of town and in a school district where white was the minority. It didn’t matter in elementary school. I had lots of friends. But something changed when I got to sixth grade. The people who were my friends suddenly hated me because of the color of my skin.

I faced the usual taunts. I didn’t wear the right labels, didn’t wear Nike shoes and Guess jeans. I didn’t have cold jewlery dripping from every part of me. My hair was straight. I think every kid goes through that, but the other taunts I faced had be suicidal in seventh grade. At the time I didn’t realize what it was, wanting to die rather than go to school.

I was constantly called f*cking white b*tch. There was always swearing about white people. I was a good kid, I got good grades and I was hated for that too.

My mom had to talk to the principal of the school because I was begging her to let me shave my legs because all the other girls did and they made fun of me for it.

For some reason, middle school was the worst. The kids were just awful. A girl tried to pick a fight with me one day and I asked her why she hated me so much. She said, “because of what your ancestors did to mine”. So obviously the kids were being taught to hate us by their parents.

By the time I got to high school, I was finally just ignored. I bonded with the other white kids and we called ourselves “the freaks”. We wore goth clothes and listened to metal and a lot of the kids got into drugs and drinking.

I feel lucky that I got out of all that fairly unscathed. But I made the decision way back then not to have kids. Maybe that’s something I took with me from that experience, I don’t know.

I ended up doing a lot of work on those days when I got sober and then even more in therapy. I think back on those days and how miserable I was. How scared I was to go to school. I’m so lucky that I didn’t end up blowing up the school…or killing myself as so many kids are doing today.

I have to say I understood the kids at Columbine. I understood them. That’s sad, and I’m not saying I condone that kind of thing, but I understand it.

I guess I just wanted to talk about how bullying affects a kid’s mental health. If your kid is a bully, do something. And don’t teach your kids racist bull.

I really struggled with my decision not to have children. I almost felt obligated because I knew I’d be a good parent. At my high school we had a class you could take to learn about child care, and the kids you took care of were kids of your classmate’s so they could attend school. Wow. I used to think I had better marry and have children when I grew up so there would be good parents out there. But then I couldn’t stand the thought of having a child and having them go through what I went through.

Even now as I’m writing all this, the old rage is building up. I had better stop, drink some coffee, and play with my dog.

7 Comments

Filed under awareness month, mental health

7 Responses to MH – Middle school made me suicidal

  1. This is such a sad post, but thank you for sharing! It really hits close to home for me because I live less than an hour from Columbine High. My mom’s best friend’s daughter even went there a couple years after the shooting. I’m sorry you had a rough time in school, but just think, it has made you a stronger person today!

  2. Don’t teach your kids racist bull. I love the idea, but unfortunately these people don’t recognize it as bull. They honestly think they’re right, which is frightening.

  3. Anonymous

    Wow. When I read this, I felt like I wrote it myself. Your story and my story are SO much alike! Creepy…

    I survived too. I did grow up. I did get married. I have 2 children, but they are both adopted. They are Asian. I think my past played a huge role in not wanting to have a biological child. Sad, isn’t it?

  4. How can a society change if we, the good people, don’t have children and raise them to be respectable and good citizens of society?

    I have a son and chose homeschooling over public school, against MANY MANY people telling me it was downright wrong to keep a child out of a peer run society group!

    He is in a societal group of people of FAITH. He loves God, his world, cares and respects for others and the first time he EVER heard the “N” word was from a little black girl(African American, with all due respect)back in Texas about three years ago.

    I might just have a child who might make a difference. It is all any parent can hope for!

    We can only change the world with one child at a time.

    jnoi

    p.s. Now people are telling me
    what a wonderful choice I made
    in homeschooling. They wish they
    could do it too. I sacrificed a lot
    to be able to, and it was ALL well
    worth it! 🙂

  5. Ro

    Anonymous, wow, so glad you adopted children! Good on you for making it through and attacking life with gusto.

    JayNoi, I agree, but I think in my case, it was almost like I knew what my future would hold healthwise. I’m really grateful now that I didn’t have children, because I just don’t have the energy, and to keep my MS from getting worse, I gotta take it easy. So…aside from all the drama and stuff back in school, I think it was best for me not to have kids. I feel totally fine with that decision, and I’m so glad there are women like you and Anonymous to take that on.

  6. And Ro, you are a good mom, look how you take care and guide all of us out here in this blogging world. :)Not to mention how you baby Jayden. (and yes, our pets ARE our kids.)

    Bless your kind heart!

  7. oh one more thing…
    Did I mention that I didn’t want any children and I had said, “If I don’t have a child by the time I’m thirty, then I don’t want any!” Wouldn’t ya know it, on or around my 29th birthday I got pregnant and my son was born before I turned 30. 🙂

    Three kids, one lived. God makes the decision, surely not me. 🙂

    Hugs to you Ro!!!

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