MH – Manifestation of depression *guest blogger*

The following post was written by a fellow blink, and she shares about how her depression has manifested in ways other than crying all the time or wanting to off herself. In our correspondence after she sent me her post, she talked about how it was easier to write this time. She had only written it out once before, and she had cried that time, and this time no tears were shed. So it showed her that she’s accepting things a lot better now. She also thanked me for letting her share this and it helped to know that someone might learn something, or just that someone was listening. I’ve only known her a short time, but she’s an incredible woman and she reminds me a lot of me in the way she’s gone after life and doesn’t let her blindness stop her. So, here’s Amanda’s story. (name used with permission)

***

Well, unlike most people who go blind later on in life, I didn’t get
depressed. I stared it in the face and looked at as a new challenge. I
got my depression later on and not exactly sure why. I wasn’t the kind
of depressed where I wanted to harm myself or anything. I was the kind
of depressed where it came out in what the doc calls “Frustration”
which he says stems from depression. Here is where the doc thinks it
starts when my biological dad died in 1994 when I was about 7 years
old. I wasn’t fully capable of understanding the whole thing at the
time since I was so young. That is where the professionals think it
starts. Then throw in being a sickly kid most of my life, being picked
on all through junior high and hhigh school… and then going blind
the second semester of your senior year of Highschool. Also losing two
close friends a few months apart from tragic accidents doesn’t help
much. According to the pros thats a molitov cocktail. But it didn’t
really come out in full force till about a year and half ago that this
was my problem, that everyone just reffered to my attitude problem. We
tried the medications and I wasn’t much for the zombiefied feeling so
I just quit them. Yes, sometimes I have those days where I go from
happy to pissed off in 0 seconds, and those days that I go from happy
to tears for no reason known to myself in 0 seconds. My boyfriend of 3
years now is used to this and knows its just best to leave me alone
when I have these what we like to call ” moments” for lack of a better
word. Wehn I have these “moments” I just try to stay home and not
interact with a whole lot of people. I lost some friends and hurt some
people along the way by not secluding myself. Some people would think
I am crazy for my mood swings, but really I am not. I am just
depressed and dealing with it in my own way. None of the doctors seem
to think its bad the way I deal because, I don’t physically hurt
myself or others and I am for the most part otherwise healthy. I am
not good at telling stories, and this one is kind of hard for me. I
wanted to contribute to RO’s MH awareness month to talk about my
depression and how I deal. I also wanted to put out there that there
is other depression other than the kind that you just want to off
yourself. I have some funny stories about scaring people with my mood
swings and some ones that I am ashamed of and ashamed of my behavior.
I now know how to deal with myself and so does my boyfriend. My mom
doesn’t quite understand and thats fine, because we don’t live
together anymore and she doesn’t have to really deal with me like the
boyfriend does. I don’t like to share that I have this problem. Its
really a issue of not being able to let go. I guess or best I can
figure I don’t have what it takes to get over stuff, not the big stuff
at least. I can make myself function in an every day life style, but
in the back of my head and the bottom of my heart I always remember
what happened and it triggers the mood swings when I bring them back
up. Sometimes these things bring themselves back up and I have no
control over what happens, except to just stay home and try to not
hurt anyone’s feelings. Really, I just wanted my story out there,
because I believe that people should know depression is not just
crying, thinking life sucks, and wanting to end your life. It can be
so many more things, so many more things. It also manifests itself in
many different ways and we all deal with it differently. So the next
time you see someone crying or going off on a anger tangent, stop and
think if they really have a reason behind it or is there something
below the surface that could be bothering them thats fueling the fire.
Don’t always write it off as an attitude problem.

***

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. This just adds to my thoughts about having a little more compassion in life. I’m really learning that when someone “out there” rubs me the wrong way, that they’re probably dealing with something in their life that I have no idea about. I find this story really interesting, about how Amanda’s depression has manifested. I also really like the ways she has found to cope, and that she’s realized it’s ok to be alone sometimes. I think it’s really healthy to be comfortable hanging out with yourself. 🙂

4 Comments

Filed under awareness month, guest blogger, mental health

4 Responses to MH – Manifestation of depression *guest blogger*

  1. Aww, man Ro! That doesn’t even seem like me! I am glad I got to contribute, and wish me luck because I have grad today and am super nervous and don’t want to fall on my face or something lol.

  2. Ro

    It probably doesn’t seem like you because most days, it’s not you. It’s only you when the depression flares. That’s how I see it anyway. 🙂

    Congratulations!!! You’ll do great!!

  3. Thanks for someone else saying they felt depression in other ways than boo hoo hoo. Because I had a fair share of that, but I also had the raaaaaar I’m really ragin’ pissed off part too. I had no idea that could be part of depression until I crawled out.

  4. I use the analogy of the fire and the smoke and exploring what is the fire not just looking at the smoke/symptoms if that makes sense. Hope your grad went well today.

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