I just need to vent. I don’t complain often. When I do, I always look for a solution. I always find a silver lining. But there are just some times when I am in the moment and can’t see the forest.
I just feel like everything is out of control. I feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like bandaids on old wounds are being ripped off, slowly and painfully. I feel stuck.
As if things weren’t hard enough this week, reasons for which I can’t go into complete detail. I’ll just say that some new information has been really hard to stomach, really hard to accept. My whole post about hope the other day helped in the moment. Today I just need to whine.
When things are hard on me emotionally, they tend to affect me physically. I never even got around to what started it all on Monday. In a nutshell, there was a fake service dog on the paratransit. Need I say more? No, you all know what fake service dogs can do to our actual service dogs. Jayden wasn’t harmed, but he did lose his cool and forgot to work. I was so shocked and in tears from having to correct him over and over that I didn’t have my wits about me to ream the idiot with the dog. Finding out that the paratransit driver didn’t think it was a service dog but didn’t think she had any rights to deny entry set me off. I have a fight on my hands, investigating the policies of the paratransit company, demanding they follow the law, etc.
That fight will have to wait for the time being though as I deal with some stuff in my personal life which doesn’t belong ona public blog. Sorry for the lack of explanation.
Yesterday I went to work out like normal. Halfway through the treadmil walk I started to get a heavy feeling in my body and had to slow the treadmil down. I managed my thirty minutes but not the distance I usually do in that time. I did my stretching and headed to the weight room. I sat on the low row machine when a stabbing pain started in my left eye. A migraine. Coming on so fast there was no warming. A massage therapist happened to be in the room and he did a little pressure work on my head that stopped the stabbing but it was till an ache. And it just hit my entire body. Before I knew it I was in tears. I tried one pull on the low row and instantly knew I did not have the energy to even attempt to continue. Through tears I said I needed to go home. The paratransit wasn’t coming for an hour. Lisa arranged a ride and I cancelled the return paratransit. I had to wait just about the same amount of time, but at least I wouldn’t be stuck on paratransit for God knows how long.
I lay on the mat with Jayden until the ride could take me home. I got home and pretty much collapsed.
It’s times like these that hit just when I think maybe I could work part time to have some money. Every time I think about trying to work, my body reminds me that no, I am sick.
Cut out stress, the doctors say when you have an auto immune. Try and stay on an even keal. Don’t get too emotional.
Ok, where is that private island then, where I can go and not deal with life and people? How the hell do you escape stress? I have to be with people. Therefore, there will always be stress. If it was just me and Jayden, maybe I’d be fine.
I’ve tried so hard this week to stay on an even keal, stay grateful, pray, relax, be silly with Jayden. There’s no controlling emotions though. You can’t stop yourself from thinking. It’s impossible. The only option would be go go into a medically induced coma for the rest of my life.
Then last night I get a letter from social security. Medicare benefits start in October. We’re taking $120 out of your monthly checks. I was only getting $730.
I am stuck. I am completely stuck. I can’t work. I can’t continue to believe I can rely on people for the rest of my life. Humans are fallible and will always let us down.
I know I will survive, somehow. I always have. I’ve been through a lot of hard stuff in my life. Some was my own doing. A lot wasn’t.
I keep thinking about the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. It’s the wisdom to know the difference that I struggle with.
I can’t pretend everything is bunnies and roses right now. Because it most certainly is not. Man, if I believed in karma, I’d say I was a terrible person in my past life.
It’s just hard right now. So hard.