Do you ever sit back and think, holy crap, where has the time gone? Do you ever have moments where you reflect on your life and think, wow, can one person really do all that changing? I simply can’t believe it’s the last day of 2010. How did that happen? Just yesterday I was throwing Barbie dolls into my trees, hoping they’d get stuck, then throwing Ken up after them, hoping to knock them down.
Just yesterday I was roller skating, on four wheels that weren’t inline, to Debbie Gibson, creating cool choreography to ‘Electric Youth’, or jumping from concrete to gravel like the ‘Solar Babies’.
Just yesterday I discovered Nirvana, after my best friend forced me to watch the video for ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’, urging me to forget about Mariah Carey and start listening to real music. It worked. Thanks Kurt.
Just yesterday I graduated from ‘Sweet Valley High’ to Stephen King novels and broke my back learning how to try to win the essay medal in Academic Decathlon, constructing the perfect five paragraph essay in one our or less after being given three prompts. I came in fourth overall. No medal, but the highest score in my high school’s history. I wonder if my record stands?
Just yesterday I was pre-med on a full scholarship and got drunk with a boy in a dorm room. Just yesterday I went with mom to chemo treatments. Just yesterday she died.
It seems like just yesterday I had an enormous New Year’s party for the year 2000 and got so drunk my boyfriend and I couldn’t manage to lose our virginities. Just yesterday I was only 21.
Wasn’t it just yesterday I walked into my first meeting after making a mess out of my life, never mourning mom’s death, being a terrible friend, not holding down jobs, going nowhere with my life?
Wasn’t it just yesterday that I finally found the true meaning of happiness, to be happy joyous and free through life’s turmoils, with the help of a power greater than myself, a power that was not alcohol?
Just yesterday, I came out of that MRI machine with one eye blind and began to learn how to live with MS. Just yesterday I started dating B and my old cat, Combat was still alive.
Just yesterday I watched my vision slowly fade as I stared at B, just yesterday Combat died, Just yesterday my aunt died, just yesterday B’s mom was diagnosed with cancer.
Just yesterday I picked up a white cane and discovered audio books. Just yesterday I brought my Mac home and found my online fellowship of people who really and truly get it. Just yesterday that little iPod started it all.
Just yesterday I was on a plane going to meet Insert. Jayden. JayBay. Jay. Gooberhead. Just yesterday a dog became my eyes.
Just yesterday the little girl throwing Barbies into trees could never imagine the life she’d lead at the end of 2010. Just yesterday she turned 32. No really, I really did, just yesterday, turn 32.
It’s pretty crazy, isn’t it? To write your life down like that? To see it written like that, with just a few hundred words, really encompassing all the changes, all the phases, all the strife and all the joy.
Would I change any of it? Not a thing. Would I trade my recent sad times for happy times? Nope. For me, pain has and always will be, the cornerstone of spiritual growth. When I begin to emerge from sad times, I am like a rose opening her face to the sun, cleansed, grateful, joyous.
It seems like just yesterday I thought I’d never feel happy again. And then like that, like a firecracker in the night, the veil lifts and happiness glitters once again.
My old pool league operator once said words to me that I live by today. After I played a really terrible game of 9-ball and thought I’d never break my losing streak he said, “you can never fully appreciate victory until you experience defeat.”
The words were in reference to a game, but they are so true for my life. After I have been cleansed of sadness and melancholy, I can truly open my eyes to gratitude. How’s that for victory?
Happy New Year everyone! Be safe tonight and please, if you have a few drinks, call a cab.
See ya next year!
PS – I’ll be updating to Snow Leopard today, so if I’m not online for awhile, it means I screwed something up. 😉