Just when you think you’re getting better, you murder the coffee maker

After I murdered a cell phone a number of years ago, I am really good about not throwing electronics. Does a coffee maker count as an electronic? It’s an appliance, so perhaps not. So I think I’m still good in the not throwing electronics department.

Today was not a good day. Mr. Coffee thoroughly tipped me over after an unexpected change of plans let the veil of depression try to lower once more. It was creepy really, feeling it try and come back. I am hyper aware of my mental health lately after clawing my way out of the last horrible and paralyzing depression.

Today we were supposed to meet my uncle and aunt for lunch after they picked Gamma up. Gamma’s birthday is Monday so we were going to celebrate today. I was really looking forward to it. My uncle called at about ten this morning to let me know that Gamma had a bad night last night and didn’t want to go out today. He said he’d call me back since his house phone was ringing and it was most likely her. I hung up with him and continued listening to comedy on ootunes as I had been doing before he called.

B got up not long after that and I told him and said I was just waiting for my uncle to call back and give me more details. As time wore on I could literally feel my mood darken. I don’t remember ever feeling that before. I could feel the depression trying to seep back into me and I tried to fight it. B and I decided to do our normal Saturday thing and he stepped out for a minute to get lunch and I prepared my afternoon pot of coffee to have with lunch.

That’s when it got bad. Thank you, Mr. Coffee, for nothing. I had just bought that coffee maker a month ago after the last one barely made it a year. A year is at least better than a month. Today when I pushed the brew button nothing happened. It had been making a strange sound here and there but I thought it was just that noise that sometimes happens when there’s pressure between the hot plate and the decanter. I pressed the off button and the on button again. I tried moving plugs. Nothing happened. I lost it. I snapped. Completely snapped.

I had the presence of mind to take the glass part out of the thing before I slammed it down into the sink. I just kept slamming it in the sink and water and coffee grounds went flying. I was sobbing and raving and banging on the counter and I picked the thing up and cursed at it and went to throw it in the bathtub but then I told myself I’d just have coffee grounds in the tub so I set the thing back on the counter and began tearing at it, pulling it apart, ripping apart the plastic pieces. If I didn’t have animals to worry about I would have shattered the glass part. I collapsed on the kitchen floor after shoving the thing in the trash. I leaned against the cabinet, wet and messy with coffee grounds and sobbed.

I thought, I need to clean this up before B gets home. Then I thought, no he needs to see what I’ve done. I won’t hide. Hiding won’t help. So I went and sat on the carpet. Jayden tentatively came to me and just sat by my side. My breathing began to slow but tears still ran down my face. My uncle called.

I hid that I was crying. I wouldn’t hide from B but I would hide from my uncle. He said they had been to see Gamma. He apologized for not calling me back sooner. I could hear my tone was clipped and I think I sounded angry. I eventually sent him an email explaining that I had just murdered a coffee maker before he called and I was hiding my crying. He hasn’t written back. I hate to add to the stress that him and my dad are under. The last thing they need is to worry about me.

I got out my backup coffee maker that doesn’t make great coffee but it’s better than nothing. I set it up on the dry part of the counter and made a pot and was sitting on the couch after having gathered the courage to turn on the Rays game when B came home.

He acted like it was completely normal to come home to a beat up kitchen and destroyed coffee maker. He didn’t bat an eye at the fact that he couldn’t set his stuff down on the counter since it was covered in water and coffee grounds. I asked if he would call the men in white coats and he said he is the men in white coats and I agreed because he is. He said this is normal. It’s normal to beat up the kitchen? Yes, when you’re under the stress you’ve been under. He laughed. I relaxed.

It is normal. But I don’t like it. And I don’t want things to escalate. I thought of my friend who knew she needed help when she beat up the refrigerator. Is it coincidence that I already have an appointment with my doc on Monday? I think not.

I asked B if he thought I should get on some meds. He quietly said it couldn’t hurt. After a bit I asked if he had been afraid to say that, afraid I’d get mad. No, he wasn’t afraid of that. I asked if he had been wanting to suggest I go on meds. He said no, he would never tell me what to do. I said I value his opinion. He said nothing works unless you come to it on your own. Ah…how right he is.

He suggested a few different medications to talk with my doctor about. I don’t expect it to be a quick fix and I don’t expect to not still have to work on my mental health. When I first went blind I was put on meds to help me get through the adjustment period and I think I might need that now, though maybe more long term. I’ve been having some scary cardiovascular symptoms which I am finding out can be anxiety. I’m sure my doc will check for other things too but it is sure sounding like anxiety. Or too much coffee. Or both. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

So perhaps Mr. Coffee does deserve my thanks. Perhaps this shoddy coffee maker that only lasted a month was just the catalyst I needed to admit to myself that I need some chemical help to get through this latest upheaval.

I’m still switching brands though. B just called from the store. I’m going with a Hamilton Beach decanterless model. Let’s hope it lives a nice long life.

Oh, funny aside. Remember the first time I explained how not to spill coffee on electronics? I no longer use that wireless keyboard but of course I’m hanging onto it. Last night I moved it from behind my laptop and put it on the breakfast bar with the intention of taking it to the bedroom with me when I went to bed so I could put it in a drawer for safe keeping. I forgot it.

The breakfast bar is near where the coffee maker is kept. The coffee maker I murdered today. Guess where a lot of the flying water and coffee grounds ended up? You guessed it. The breakfast bar. So that poor little keyboard has survived brewed coffee and now unbrewed coffee and it still works. It’s an Apple product so that explains it.

Oh, and have you ever tried to clean up a kitchen after throwing around dry coffee grounds that mix with water? Yeah. Have you ever lay on the beach? You know how it’s impossible to wash off all the sand? It’s like that. I must admit though, scrubbing the kitchen after I ate and talked to B and decided to go on meds and calmed down was rather cathartic.

4 Comments

Filed under apple Inc, birthday, coffeeholic, doc, family, Gamma, humor as coping skill, Jayden, mental health, misty eyes

4 Responses to Just when you think you’re getting better, you murder the coffee maker

  1. Reading this entry got me close to crying, I stopped at tears forming in the corner of my eyes though. I’m not sure where the emotions have come from, maybe it’s sadness for yet another road block for a friend, or maybe it’s the migraine, but I guess I wanted you to know I was feeling the sadness.

    *HUGS*

  2. Wow. that was…powerful. I can’t think of a better word than that. I laughed at the vision of you killing the coffee maker to death, but at the same time I really can feel the pain in it. I wish I could offer you something better than a hang in there and a Carin and I are here if you need us. But it really seems, even if you haven’t noticed it yet, like you’ve got this one. You had the strength and the courage to write this down in a very public place. You’re not hiding and you know what you need. that takes guts, and it shows you’re in a better place than maybe you realize. Good luck at the appointment. I hope it helps you further down the good path.

  3. Ro

    Awww I didn’t mean to make anyone almost cry.

    There was almost another coffee maker murder this morning. It’s a good thing I didn’t want to wake B. You’ve seen the live tweeting about it haha. Arrrrrg. This too shall pass. Thanks for the empathy and the hugs. Hugs back!

  4. Ro

    Yes, I am definitely better than I was even two weeks ago. I’ve reached an anger phase and quite honestly it felt good to beat the crap out of that thing. Even the pain I felt in my hand and the lump that formed there felt good in a way. I didn’t break anything that wasn’t already broken so there were no regrets.

    Last night in my book a woman was dying and the paramedic said, “you have to want this, you have to fight” and I felt a steely resolve within like he was talking to me and I found that old fighter inside. I know this too shall pass. I believe that with every fiber of my being. And sharing it is the best thing I can do, to not only help myself but maybe even help others. The best thing that happened during the last bad depression was talking to a friend who fully understood and has experienced the same things. I’ll keep talking about it.

    It also helps that I like my new shiny blog hahaha! So do I have Mr. Coffee and Blogger to thank for sucking?

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