“We may ask ourselves if we’ve shown enough kindness and generosity and compassion to the people in our lives. We recognize our own mortality, and are reminded that in the fleeting time we have on this earth, what matters is not wealth, or status, or power, or fame – but rather, how well we have loved, and what small part we have played in bettering the lives of others.”
-President Obama 1/12/11
My mind has been a jumbled mess. How much to blog, what not to blog, how much to I write about my feelings, feeling silly about my feelings, not knowing how to process, trying not to make things about me, finding the line between grief for others and grief for myself.
This year has just not started well for the people in my life. I can tell you right now that I’m fine, my family is ok, Jayden is fab, B is fine. But tragedy struck on January 1 and then the following Saturday.
Just when the winter blues were lifting and I was getting back into a routine and getting things taken care of, it just seemed like the world was turned upside down. Some friends of mine lost a child on New Year’s Day and my grief for them but so consuming, causing feelings about my own never to be motherhood and those feelings bought about feelings of guilt for thinking about myself amid the grief for my friends, who were in another state.
I saw a specialist that week as well, for a female issue that is totally fine, so no worries there, but the doctor thought it would be a good idea to take my hand, place it on my belly, and have me feel my uterus. He couldn’t have known how much that would ache emotionally, but it did.
Then the shootings happened in my hometown and I found out on Twitter and I can’t even begin to write about that. It’s why I put Obama’s quote at the top of this post, because I feel he summed it up while he was here for the memorial.
The fact that my town was on Dateline and CNN and all the national news and then the President was here, was just so incredibly surreal. When tragedies like this happen, our first thought is always, that would never happen in my town…and then it does…
It happened the day of my friends’ memorial for their child, and my town lost a child to violence. Again, the questions of appropriate emotional response flooded my brain and it wasn’t until Obama announced that Congresswoman Giffords had opened her eyes that I was finally able to sob.
I feel like something has switched off in me, like all I can do is write, I can’t read. I can’t read anyone else’s words. I can’t bear to see more, to hear more, to try and fathom more. I tried today, to read, and I just can’t seem to do it right now. And that makes me feel guilty, like I’m being selfish and uncaring. I mean, that started even before the holidays. I chalked that up to holiday blues and now it just seems to be more than that.
This last Monday I learned that a distant relative had died and I had to be the one to tell Gamma, because she doesn’t have Facebook. It seems Facebook and Twitter are the means to find out about things these days.
I’m hoping this is just maybe some kind of transitional phase, as I continue to process what happened in the town I grew up in, as I grieve with my friends from afar over their loss. Perhaps life will, in fact, find a sense of normalcy.
As always, Jayden is my rock. Can you believe our year anniversary is next month? He’s the only thing normal in life, it seems, for the time being anyway.
I really did try and spend the day reading today, to see where you all have been and what you’ve been up to. Hopefully soon the block will lift. Until then, I’ll be here and there, writing fiction maybe, or the occasional jumpled ramble.
Tell the ones you love that you love them. Be grateful for each moment. Time is so…so fleeting. Lives are so short.
I hope this year shapes up. It has to, right? Me and my silver lining. I guess the silver needs some polishing though, because right now it looks pretty dull. It’ll shine again though, I have faith.