I’m not gonna write you a love song

Ok that title has nothing to do with this post lol. I decided to write, and am not sure what direction I might go, so when thinking of a title, that song popped in my head. I guess it fits, because I’m not gonna write you a love song here lol!

B was paying the cable bill a bit ago, and when he was entering in the card number I thought, hmmm. It might be fun to compose a song with the melody the numbers make when entering a string of numbers. I’d never do my card number, because leave it to some techno geek to figure out the tones. But wouldn’t that be fun, if you have lyrics and can’t think of a melody?

I’m importing the Frank McCourt books that Cabana’s Puppy Raiser so graciously sent me, which I have been forgetting to import. Man, audio books take forever. Are they more complex than music cds? The second one just got done importing and I started an hour ago. I think the second cd went quicker than the first one. Maybe my cd drive was tired since it hasn’t worked in awhile? It was sure making some strange noises doing that first cd.

I was going to do some cleaning today, along with laundry and weekend chores, but I just don’t feel like it. I’m definitely doing a lot better with the recent sick jag, but I’m still feeling a little weak, and I don’t feel like eating anything I have in the house. Cleaning on an empty stomach isn’t good. I’m feeling some turmoil lately, and that sort of thing always seems to affect my eating and sleeping. Might be time to go see my therapist for a check-up.

I’ve been getting to meetings all week and its been great. to actually get out and see people is such a good thing, and it really made me realize how uch I’ve put everything else ahead of my recovery, which is not a good thing. If I place things in front of my reocovery, I risk drinking again, and losing all the things I put ahead of recovery, so I need to keep an eye on that.

It’s been so nice hanging out with Kevin this week. I’m going to be so adsad What the heck, I can’t edit…can’t delete, oh hell. I’ll just post. when he leaves again for work, right after Thanksgiving. Tonight he was asked to share at a meeting by Georgie’s boyfriend, and I wanted to go since I’ve never heard his story all in one share before. Georgie invited us over for bbq before the meeting, so I’m so looking forward to that! Kevin has found a new love for golf, so he’s golfing today and his t time was at noon. Georgie wants us at her house by 6, and Kevin is anticipating about a 4 hour game. Georgie and I are afraid that goal is a little “out there”, being a late t time on a weekend. If there are people ahead of him, his game might take forever. So I’m planning on being ready by 5 just in case. I can’t wait! I keep hoping the day will fly by, but it’s dragging.

That was a long paragraph.

I didn’t sleep all that well last night. B always goes to bed really late on weekends and he has this iPod alarm clock, that will play the iPod in sleep mode for a bit. I wear an ear plug in my left ear and I had forgotten to put it in, so the music woke me up and then I couldn’t tune it out. Then I had a coughing fit and decided to move to the couch, a place I never ever sleep. Spinelli must have thought this was some new middle of the night adventure, so she got on my and started digging in the blankets. Darned cat. I was hoping to sleep late today to kill some time, but no. My internal clock is officially set to wake up before eight, no matter if its a weekend or a week day.

So I got up and got right on the Facebook problem. I’m really hoping they write back. They have in the past. But it seems like most sites don’t bother when it comes to accessibility.

I’m really freaking out about my cd burner right now. Its been making some really funky noises. And now its silent, but its not done importing. Ick. I just was able to eject the disk but I don’t think the whole thing imported. Ut oh. Good thing the Macbook is under warranty, but what will I do if I have to send it in for repair? Oh no, I can’t even think about that…

..

Almost time for afternoon coffee! Man, I’ve had to stop with the energy drinks. For some reason when Kevin’s in town, we get them, but they were tearing my stomach up. I can’t let them mess up my stomach so much that I can’t drink coffee lol!

Ok, I’m frustrated right now. Sometimes I get really annoyed trying to be in the same room with B when I’m working on my computer, which is all tht time, since he’s always on his computer or watching sports. So today he put in some DVD about bon Jovi. All of the sudden its freakin loud. I turned up my volume a little bit, but I’m really careful with my ears. So some music started and it was loud so I took my headphones off and got up and he’s like, sorry, the volume keeps changing on the dvd. Yeah, I get that. i really considered moving my computer into the bedroom. I don’t want the volume on my headphones loud. I don’t understand why he doesn’t seem to get how important my ears are. I don’t like being around really loud things. I think I’m getting to a point where so many little things are annoying me, that one more little thing just gets blown up in my mind. This is just a scary place to be in. I start wondering, why am I getting annoyed so easily? Why am I missing my old apartment, where I lived alone? Should I be thinking these things? What does it mean that I’m thinking these things? Ick. I don’t know. I tend to over analyze a lot. Maybe I’m just in a pissy mood. Maybe I’m just sick of sports and heavy metal music. Maybe I wish every now and then, my music could be on in the house. But no, oh no, don’t make him listen to country. Ok, didn’t mean for a rant to pop ut. I obviously need coffee. Better go make it.

Got coffee. I was just thinking what my therapist would say if I told her what I just wrote. She would say, how old are you right now? Yeah. Like 6. Throwing a tantrum. An inward tantrum, or a tantrum on the blog, but a tantrum nonetheless.

I can’t seem to think of anything fun to write and manage to launch into a rant. I hate that. My laundry is done. I’ll take a break and think about whether I want to write anymore. If the post ends abruptly, you’ll know I gave up lol.

Cats must love warm laundry. I just dumped an entire basket of laundry right on Fi and she just laid there. When we first got Spinelli, she would race into the bedroom and attack the laundry as I was putting it away. I used to pick her up and put her in the basket and throw the stuf to be folded in on top of her. She would nestle in and fall asleep haha. She’s not so into that anymore, but she still comes in to lay on the laundry. I suppose it would feel really good, to be surrounded by fresh clean warm laundry. Wish I had enough clothes to dump a bunch of clean laundry on the bed and roll around in it lol.

Its almost 2 now. A few more hours to go. Doing more of that killing time thing before the fun starts. Seems like life is all about waiting. Waiting. Waiting for the next thing. Waiting for the phone to ring. Waiting for that email ding. Waiting for the coffee pot. Waiting for the bill that’s due. Waiting for blog posts new. How did I just turn this into a poem. LOL! Seriously though. Lately I just feel like I’m constantly waiting. Waiting for word about the guide dog. Waiting for my ries to show up. I like being on time, especially if someone is picking me up, I think its rude to keep them waiting, so I’m always ready ahead of time, and find myself standing around waiting for them. Hurry up and wait. Waiting.

I don’t necessarily think its a bad thing. I’m not saying waiting is bad. For me, when I find that I’m waiting, I’m usually excited about something. I find that at night, I can’t wait to fall asleep, because I can’t wait to wake up. I love it in the mornings, hearing the rumble of the coffee pot, hearing the drip drip, smelling the brew. Hearing the birds coming alive. Hearing cars start up. Hearing B’s alarm go off. Anticipating the day. I never used to be like that. Back in my drinking days, I’d wake up and almost be sad that I woke up. Or rather, came to. I’d have the jitters, a headache, an upset stomach. Yuck. I much much prefer my life today, even though I’m feeling in a lot of limbo right now. Its not the fear of the unknown anymore. Its the wondering what comes next. What adventure lays ahead? Even turmoil is almost fun right now, the more I think of it.

Oh more cat stuff. Spinelli has figure out how to get this dangling toy off the scratching post. B would find it missing, locate it, put it back on, and she always does it when we’re not around. Well, she just did it and B watched her do it. He put it back, and she got it off again. I wonder if the toy was designed that way? A challenge for the cat. Kinda like putting kibble in a cong lol.

My arm had gotten all messed up again. My computer cart is most comfortable at the couch when its at kind of an angle. But that was messing up my arm, so I put it in front of the couch so that I’d lit at it straight, but I have to prop myself up on pillows to be close enough to it. I really need a laptop cart with skinny feet that will slide under the couch. So my arm had gotten better, so I put it back where it was more comfy, and my arm got all screwed up again, so now I have it all stright again. It doesn’t help that I mostly sleep on my right side, so that arm is just getting totally beat up. I’m hoping getting back in the gym on Monday is gonna help. I know it will. Working out was helping so much, that not doing it for 2 weeks is taking its toll. I cannot wait to get back in the gym!

I’m not looking forward to braille though. I haven’t studied my punctuation. I have to be pared up with another guy, and I just don’t see how thats gonna work. I really want to just do grade 2 through Hadley. I feel bad, because they rearranged that guy’s schedule to accomodate me for funding purposes. But I just don’t see how doing braille with more than one student is going to work. I talked to Dave about it, and he said its totally up to me. That I shouldn’t feel obligated to Saavi for braille. So we’ll see.

I kinda want to get in the bath just to kill some time. Hmmm. Maybe. Do I feel like it? Its amazing how much bathing can kill my spoons. Sometimes a shower will totally rejuvinate me, and other times, it totally knocks me out. And baths usually take a lot out of me. I’m technically not supposed to sit in hot water. Heat can make my nerves inflame and can make the MS flair up, so all neurologists say to stay away from heat. But it feels so good, especially when I’m having nerve and/or muscle pain. So its a difficult situation. Hot showers tend to be fine because its fairly brief, where a bath is usually longer. Auto immune sucks.

Wow. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a really fun post. I think I definitely need to see my therapist. I think I better put this post out of its misery now.

11 Comments

Filed under Audio books, braille, cats, coffeeholic, fellowship, Fi, NaBloPoMo 2009, plugs, random stuff, rant, sobriety, Spinelli, spoons

11 Responses to I’m not gonna write you a love song

  1. Sometimes you just need a post like this to get it out of your system. And I’m the same with showers/baths, they actually hurt. But for me it’s a sensory overload thing and a fibro thing. Hope your writing this all out helped. Oh and kong is with a ‘k’ (just in case you are ever looking for them for your new dog)

  2. I was super flattered by your comment to my last post. That would be awesome if you got Paris. 😀 You’ll just have to be really specific when you get your home interview and tell them you want a stuningly gorgeous female yellow lab, who is brilliant with lot of initiative, named Paris. lol That would really be awesome. One of my biggest worries with puppy raising is not being able to keep in touch with my puppies and thier people.

  3. That image of a person rolling around in laundry is a good one.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. I think we all get a little frustrated sometimes. Even the most positive person’s got a time when they just wanna snaaaap. If they didn’t, I’d start to worry. You’ve been stuck in your house for a while. When you’ve just been in one place for a while, all the little annoyances start to pile up. Once you can get out again, I’m sure things will balance out.

    Your therapist would honestly say “how old are you right now?” when you express frustration? Remind me never to see your therapist! *smile*!

    Hope the BBQ was good.

  4. Ro

    Oh good to know how kong is spelled lol. On my omputer, the volume is low right now, and I thought you were saying “calm is with a K in case you need it for your dog” haha and I’m thinking, I need calm with a K for my dog? Haha!

    I will for sure keep in touch with my puppy raisers. I eventually want to be able to take pictures and have a sightie look at them every once and awhile. When will Paris be going to school, its a while yet, isn’t it? Wouldn’t that be an amazing story, if I got her lol!

    My therapist is actually very good lol. When I’m in her office doing the virtual foot stomp saying I want I want or I wish I wish is when she’d ask how old I was. It did sound a little crazy in the context I put it in. She’s quite excellent though.

    We had a blast last night. I ended up going to Lish’s apartment, she just moved into my complex like a month ago. We hung out and Kevin picked me up from there and we went to Georgie’s and hung out and she made grilled steaks, with baked potato and broccoli and then we went to the meeting and I heard Kevin’s story. Its a miracle that man is alive.

    It was a great night, and I knew it would be and thats why I was killing time so much haha!

  5. Glad you had a good night.

    I had a therapist once who would tease me and say who gets the whistle of the week? I never wanted to swear in her office, so whenever I’d be frustrated and want to call someone a bad name, I would make this whistle noise like the censoring beeboop. It became our running joke.

  6. Ro

    Hahaha!! Thats too funny. I swear in therapy. Not a lot, but it definitely happens.

  7. You talking about your ears makes me feel like a bad blind person lol. I’ve played in bands, gone to plenty of loud concerts and play loud music quite a bit. I never do that with headphones on because that’s just stupid, but I’m not the most careful fellow when it comes to the old hearing. So far all’s well, though.

  8. Ro

    Haha oh don’t feel like a bad blind person. Everyone in my family are slowly losing their hearing. My Dad has played in bands since forever and my Uncle is a pilot. I don’t know if there’s a reason my Grandma is losing her hearing other than she’s 85. My Mom used to always tell my Dad he was gonna go deaf, so I just grew up hearing that. When I lost my vision and realized how important my hearing is, I really started taking it to heart.

  9. Oh don’t worry, I don’t feel bad. I’m hardly one to take my ears for granted. Sounds funny coming from a guy who’s never used an ear plug in his life, but I try not to do crazy things to them on a regular basis.

    By the way, there’s nothing wrong with the tone of this post. Sometimes everybody gets upset or down and it’s nice to have an outlet for it. Believe it or not Carin and I have even written a few things about stuff that upsets us in real personal life. The over all tone of our writing probably wouldn’t suggest that, but it happens. and hell, if we can do it, certainly you can.

  10. Paris will most likely be recalled in March or April. That should make her class ready by July or August. I am really rooting for her right now, she is such a stellar dog, she should graduate if she passes all her health evals. I can’t see her being cc’d for anything but health at this point. I have really enjoyed her!

  11. Ro

    Oh, not likely I’d get her then. I’m not going to school in the summer, because I think it would be cruel to the dog not to be able to slwoly adjust to this heat while learning routes, and I can’t be teaching routes in our summers. Bummer. Some other lucky blindy will get to love her 😉

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