Disclaimer: This is not a happy post. I’m just putting this hear before I post this as a warning in case you’re unstable around politics like I am.
I’m not sure if I’ll title this post From the Desk of My Sleep Deprived Mind part three or not since I didn’t wake up at like 1:30am or anything. I did however, wake up at 4:00am, I just didn’t get out of bed until 6:00am. Do you ever do that? Wake up at an ungodly hour and lay there thinking, “if I fall asleep again now, I’ll get another three hours. Ok, so now if I fall asleep again I’ll get like two and a half hours, oh now it’s just kinda pointless, oh but I’m comfy, hey the air conditioning kicked in if I’m gonna sleep it’s now or never to that air, quick, snuggle up. Oh the air is off again. Now I’m thinking about all my fears again do I really want to do this? I could make coffee and read Twitter. But if I fall asleep now I’ll get another two hours, everyone is gonna die before me and I’ll be alone! Alone! Alone! Oh screw it just get up.” Or is that just me?
Yeah…I’m in a lot of fear in my life. I do morning writing upon awakening every day so this morning I chatted with myself about that fear a little bit. I’m not gonna write that all in public cuz that’s a rather private conversation between God and me but basically I’m having a hard time trusting that I’ll be ok. It really did hit me while trying to get back to sleep that everyone in my life is older than me. I have this horrible fear that I’m going to be left completely alone, with no one. No one! Do you know how scary that is?
I know a lot of this is coming from the change in the family dynamic since Gamma had to go to the home. The family sold her house recently and I don’t think I’m ok with that. That house was the last place we all were before everyone started dying. Now there’s no house where we all were. That’s just sad. I’m so glad that I didn’t know the last time I was at her house was the last time. I left there our last Sunday together oblivious and happy and then….
I haven’t been the same since. And the politics don’t help. That stuff is everywhere when you’re on social networking. I can filter a lot using my Twitter client called YoruFukurou but a lot still slips through. It’s like when I stopped listening to talk radio because even though I listened to the shows I related to they still played sound bites of the other side. I still had to hear it. And even the side I relate to and agree with more or less drives me crazy. It’s all crazy. But the side I don’t lean towards? They hate women! And I’m a disabled woman! Even worse! I’m a drain on my country! I’m worthless! I need help and I can’t support myself! Do you know how hard it is to hear that other side that I don’t lean towards? Why am I being evasive? Maybe I just don’t even want those words on my blog. I’ll just say if we don’t elect the same President I’m really just gonna lose it. You will have to lock me up. I’m gonna freak out. I am so terrified and that other party is a big, no huge, no gigantic part of that. Do you hear me? That side? Look at what you’re doing to the people you want to govern! Look at me! Up until like a month or two ago I was one of the most well adjusted people I knew and now I’m close to a shell of a freaking human because I’m not a rich old white guy who can support myself and who’s healthy. I have parts that side wants to assign laws to. Heart, calm down, I’m sorry, calm down heart. I’m a sick woman. Yes, I am being melodramatic, but this is how this all makes me feel and I can’t get away from it because even though I don’t follow the people who believe that stuff they still tweet it! Ok I’m gonna cry I need to stop talking about this.
It’s all worsening my depression to the nth degree. Old time readers here know how I feel about that word, depression. You know if I use it, it’s getting kinda nasty for me.
I’m not one to throw around the word depression or depressed lightly unless I’m really in a depression. When I feel it coming on I fight it, I try and keep it down, I try and soul search and inventory and fix it. Sometimes it goes away quickly so for me, that was just a case of the blues. When it hangs around for weeks and then a month and then more than a month and I find myself crying easily, it’s a depression full blown and I hate to admit it but then I admit it and it starts to lift.
Share your pain with another and cut it in half. Share it again and cut it again. Slowly, ever so slowly, it begins to help. I’m reaching into my memory vault and trying to remember the things I learned in therapy while adjusting to blindness. I officially was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder which just makes me laugh. Adjustment disorder. Alrighty then. So do “normal” people just adjust in a day to life altering changes? I think names just have to be assigned to things. I just don’t like the word disorder. I think I’ve blogged about this before.
Anyway wow, so how did all that come out? This is what happens when I’m sleep deprived. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe it’s my version of a loose tongue with the drink since I don’t drink. Sometimes when I vomit out a word post I wonder if I’ll actually put it up on the blog but I always do. It’s partly that sharing to cut the pain in half thing but also because every time I post this kind of stuff someone always thanks me for sharing. The best way to get out of oneself is to help another.
Ok, so it’s 7:06 now. I only started writing because I caught up on Twitter and didn’t know what else to do. I need to refill my coffee but that will require moving. I wonder what I’ve written? I love the stream of conscious writing. That’s what my morning writing is like. I have over a year’s worth of daily writing. It’s never this much though. I think maybe because I do it first thing, before I’ve really woken up and had time to put thoughts in my head.
I wish this was more of a funny post like the other two sleep deprived posts. I was a lot more sleep deprived in those posts though, so maybe this is the equivalent to only like three beers and those other two were more like eight to ten beers. Yes, I am comparing my lack of sleep to beers. When I don’t sleep enough I do feel inebriated. How bout some coffee and reading back on this to see what I’ve got.
Wow, that was intense. I ended up vomiting out that political stuff while I went and read through. I think that’s been stuff I wanted to spew for awhile. Please, if you comment, please don’t try and change my mind on the politics. Please don’t. I’m not talking lightly about how badly the politics is affecting me, so please don’t. I don’t want a debate in the comments, that’s not why I’m writing all this. If you disagree with me, just move on. I don’t think my readers are the type to troll the comments like on big sites but for my peace of mind I had to throw that in there.
I know deep down that this too shall pass. I haven’t been well and that’s a big part of the depression. The only time I see people is when I go to the gym and I haven’t been well enough to go for awhile. Jayden is fantastic company but he can’t talk to me and he can’t hold me. I know this is a rough patch and things will get better, but I’m just not sure better is enough anymore.
Was about to publish when I thought maybe I got all this out now since I’m planning on getting some audio later and it would have sucked to cry in that. See? Silver lining still there.