Category Archives: sobriety

Oxygen Mask On, Head Firmly In Sand

When I was a freshman in high school, I knew I didn’t want children. I was told by other girls, and many adult women, that I would change my mind. the one woman who supported my fourteen year-old declaration was my aunt Prindle. I remember a heart-to-heart we had on my grandparents’s front steps in which she told me what a wonderful young woman I was becoming, and to always stick to my guns. I wavered over the kid thing at times, especially when I thought I was in love. Mostly, I felt a sense of duty to have children, knowing I’d be one of the good parents. I still know this to be true, but given my health issues over the last decade plus, and my active alcoholism before that, I know the decision not to have children was the right one.

Today, I am reminding myself of this often considered selfish decision after a mental break down. Not because of my mental pop, but because I needed a reminder that I do make good decisions for myself, for what might be considered selfish reasons.

I am sticking my head firmly in the sand.

I lived that way for many years and it suited me well, until it didn’t. I came to a point several years ago when I wanted to know what was going on in the world, finally giving in to that sense of not only civic duty, but humanist duty. I didn’t always handle it gracefully, like after the Aurora movie theatre shooting when I left my friend a sobbing message because she lived in Colorado and how was I to know she wasn’t at the theatre, nor even in the state that day? After that, as if I flipped a switch to off, shootings no longer dropped me to my knees. A callous had finally grown on my heart like on a stringed instrument player’s fingers, and I still don’t know if that’s a good thing.

That callous may prevent me from a breakdown with every shooting, but I have yet to harden my heart against what is happening to my country. And today I broke. Out of the blue. No warning. I’ve worked hard on my mental health in recent years and thought I was pretty well adjusted. I just picked up and moved to a new state for pity’s sake, I can do anything! Ha, right. Not this. I can’t do this.

Do what exactly?

cope. Okay, I suppose I did have some warning that I was on the verge of a break, the other day when the travel bans happened and it was too awful to believe and I felt so powerless to do anything and I projected my fear and disgust onto Facebook and those who voted for that man and then felt terrible for it.

the day my friend decided to work on sitting for the bar even though her own mental health is in question, because she knows lawyers are going to be needed, the day all the pain from around the world was projected on social media, that day should have been my warning, when I felt a sense of powerlessness so strong as to drop me to my knees, my powerlessness to do anything for my fellow human being.

I can handle it, I told myself. I need to know what’s going on, I told myself. It’s my duty as an American. I can handle checking the Associated Press every day. I’ll just cut back on what I read on social media. I’ll cut back on feeling all the pain, because as a damned empath, I feel the pain of others in my core.

And today I broke. No warning. Snap. Too much pressure on the rubber band. I didn’t shatter a coffee maker or throw a cell phone, I just decided I didn’t give a fuck and didn’t want to see what’s coming. I didn’t want my life to end, but I didn’t really want it to go on, either. I googled whether you can call a suicide hotline if you aren’t actively suicidal, just in so much pain that you don’t want to see what’s coming, and found the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. I’ve retweeted that number countless times, never once imagining I’d be looking it up for myself. I still don’t know if I should call it.

I asked my friend Ricardo if he knew if one could call a suicide hotline even if they didn’t have a gun to their head, explaining that I didn’t want to keep the line busy in case someone who did have a gun to their head needed the line. Ricardo said my selflessness never ceases to amaze him. And here I berate myself daily for being self centered.

So I fed my dog and quietly told David I was taking my laptop to the bedroom to process some things emotionally and probably to break down so he might want to keep his son out of the room. I really didn’t mean for him to come inn, I just didn’t want his son to see me lose it. David came in after I closed the door and found me sobbing on the bed. He held me for awhile and as my tears soaked his fleece, I thought about all those couples the day JFK was assassinated. Is the sense of despair the same?

After my tears slowed and David got some Gatorade in me, I told him I thought I’d write a blog post and share my pain. Not to burden anyone with it, but because I know I’m not a lone. I know there are millions of us out there feeling the exact same way, and maybe there’s someone out there right now contemplating the gun in the closet or the liquor store up the street. For right now, I’m choosing my sober life. I hope you will, too. If you’re protecting sobriety that is. Hey, if you’re a normal drinker, will you drink one or twelve for me? thanks. and if you’re contemplating ending it all, please click that link above. I haven’t ruled out calling it myself, though I feel a little better after all this writing.

There’s a ten year-old playing his video game out there in the living room, as well as all those other children in this country and the world who need us adults to keep them as happy and safe as we can. In order for me to be there for him, I need to put the oxygen mask on myself first, and for right now, that means putting my head in the sand. Well, except when the ACLU emails me. I can avoid social media, but not email. I just wish I could do more for them than donate the money I don’t have. I’m a disabled woman. I’m one of the one’s they’re fighting for, I suppose. then my survivor’s guilt slips in. You don’t need fighting for. You’re blind, you have MS, and you’re white. You aren’t going to lose benefits (hopefully). Nothing is going to happen to you. I am a woman though, and it’s always been scary being a woman. So much more so now. Ugh.

I tried to find my usual cheery conclusion, but there isn’t one. Not today. This too shall pass. In four years.

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Filed under mental health, politics, sobriety, spoons, twitter me this

Let it snow! Let it um, snow…oh crap it’s gonna snow

Happy holidays, everyone! Whoa wait, what? Who am I and what have you done with Ro? Yeah yeah yeah, so I’m not all bah humbug this year, what can I say? something about being a part of a happy family with a child, in the cold, with the scent of a pine candle on a warmer next to my computer has made me embrace the holidays like I haven’t done since I was newly sober and life was shiny and new. Hmmm, shiny new life, happy with the holidays. coincidence? I think not.

Anyway, snow. The first time it snowed here a week ago, it felt magical. We woke up to everything covered in sparkling white, at least that’s how I imagined it. The kids had the day off thanks to the once monthly teacher planning day, and the sounds of happy children filled the air.

I put on the heavy winter coat I bought at Value Village over my normal layers, added a heavy crochet scarf (granny squares sewed together that was supposed to be a bed coverlet that I gave up on) and my new fur lined boots and went outside with Jayden. We walked up and down the street with the kids and I marveled at the feel and sound of crunching underfoot. David’s ten year-old kept brushing piles of snow off Jayden’s nose. the kids filled a wheelbarrow full of snow from people’s cars to build an ice fort in the front yard of the house across the street from David’s. There was so much joy!

Then I started feeling the cold and my scarf was getting kind of gross since I had it wrapped around my nose and mouth and did you know that cold makes your nose run?

When we stepped into the house, my body instantly began baking in my layers, my boots squeaking as snow melted and I realized my feet, and Jayden’s, were wet and tracking snow into the house. Not so magical, I thought.

I peeled off layers and dried our feet and settled in to drink coffee and read some Twitter while the kids played outside. When it was time for Jayden to have a pee, I bundled up, wrapped the scarf around my face, laced my feet into my boots, and went back outside to enjoy the snow again. David’s son came into the yard and pelted me with a snowball. It was on!

I picked up the nicely packed snowball and rubbed it up, imagining red stitches against the white, my fingers across four seams. I narrowed my eyes at the giggling child at the plate, wound up and let fly. It went way left and was most definitely a wild pitch. A runner on third would have scored easily. All the ten year-old’s snowballs hit me squarely. Hmmm, this isn’t fun like I remember it the few times it snowed in Tucson when I was sighted, I thought, as a kid, or as an adult at the pool hall when we scooped snow off of cars to throw at each other since it didn’t stick on the ground. That night had been the first time I’d driven in the snow,, and last, unbeknownst to me. It looked like warp speed on the Starship Enterprise as the flakes were caught in the beams of my headlights.

This time, there was no snowball fight with friends in a parking lot and no warp speed stars. the kids went off to a friend’s house and with no happy little voices frolicking around, just Jayden and me crunching around in the snow alone, we went inside to where it was warm and where David, accustomed to the Washington weather, waited with coffee and a hug.

The snow turned to ice after some lovely freezing rain and temperatures, and I got used to bundling up for the minute it takes Jayden to relieve himself. Apparently, this weather hasn’t been normal around these parts for quite some time, though more snow is coming. Just in time for the frigid air, a big box full of winter clothes arrived on my doorstep from a Rays fan friend in Florida. She’d lived in the Pacific Northwest for awhile, and those clothes were going unused, so now I have a variety of sweaters to choose from, rather than this Rays shirt, or that Rays tank top, with this Rays hoodie, or that one. She even sent a hooded wool coat. thanks, friend!

I think I’ll wrap this up and go make some chocolate peanut butter candy to see how the boys like it. I get to make Mom’s old favorite holiday sweets now that there are plenty of people to enjoy them.

Merry Christmas!

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Filed under baseball, coffeeholic, crochet, family, gratitude, holiday, Jayden, mom, num num food, relieving, sobriety, twitter me this, weather, working dog

Carnival Post: I Will Not Regret the Past (Except for the Purpose of this Post)

Posts are being written and compiled for the next round of the Assistance Dog Blog Carnival, the topic of which is regrets. I’m down to the wire on this one. The deadline is in just over an hour as I paste my post into WordPress.

the first idea to come to mind when I pondered what I regret about my first and current guide dog, Jayden, is that we didn’t go to Muir Woods when we were at school together at guide Dogs for the blind. As if to punctuate that thought the day I was considering what to write about for the blog carnival, I ran across this article about Muir Woods’s tallest tree.

I knew about the trip to Muir Woods before I went to GDB and it was one of the things I was most looking forward to. I imagined beams of sunlight sneaking through the canopy of tall, stately redwoods, the scene suffused with a warm golden glow, a lovely and peaceful walk with my dog through the beauty of nature, the quiet and meditative quality of the stroll with my new partner, it was going to be beautiful.

My first mistake was having that expectation. Never, never have expectations. Nothing is ever what we think it will be.

My training at GDB was hard on me emotionally and physically and when it came time for the Muir Woods trip at the end of the three weeks, I didn’t have it in my heart to go. All I could think about was returning home with my boy and settling back in to life where I was comfortable, without instructors popping out and telling me what to do. why wouldn’t they tell me what to do? Even major league baseball players still have hitting coaches.

I regret being so damned willful.

What an experience that would have been, to stroll through those woods, to smell the trees, to take a break from the honking, humming and thumping of cars but I was just so tired. I was tired and I did not want to ride on the bus for an hour on a winding road, worrying about limiting my fluids, not just Jayden’s. Not being able to smoke. I regret that I used to be held hostage by nicotine.

Looking back, I always think Muir Woods would have been the perfect place to have that first amazing walk with jayden; our other walks were stressful for both of us while in class. I deeply regret letting the physical and mental fatigue win.

One of the ways I live today is not regretting the past, yet here I am doing just that. Jayden and I did have that first awesome walk together the day we arrived home in tucson and he guided me out of the airport, around concrete poles, following B through cold rain and biting wind to the car. I grinned the entire time even though it wasn’t majestic redwoods he guided me through.

Thinking about regrets is dangerous territory unless we look at regrets not as regrets, but as mistakes.

I made a mistake by not going to Muir Woods and I won’t make that mistake again. I learned my lesson. I have not turned down a trip since then and Jayden and I have had some pretty awesome experiences together.

If you wrote your own post on regrets for this blog carnival and if that post dredged up painful feelings, just remember the past cannot be changed and we only grow by making mistakes and learning from them.

On a lighter note,another regret I have is not teaching Jayden to stay out of the kitchen. I envy my friend Carin that she did with her guide and you can bet I won’t make that mistake again. This is a small regret, but it’s the only thing that can grow into a big thing when He won’t get out from under-foot. I’ve been able to teach him to stay on the couch when I put him there however, so I found a solution.

Oh and one more thing speaking of the couch, I regret that he was taught such good house manners with regards to furniture because here at home, he does not need permission every single time he wants up on the couch. It’s your couch too, buddy!

(Ok, that’s not really a regret since I’m incredibly grateful for his house manners. thank you to his puppy raisers!)

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Filed under blog carnival, doggy school, fellowship, GDB, guide dogs, Jayden, jayden quirks, puppy raisers, sobriety, spoons, working dog

Something Special for a Decade?

I was asked earlier in the week if I was doing anything special for my anniversary on Friday. Oh that’s right, it is Friday, isn’t it. My favorite number next to 3 is 424. My sobriety anniversary is the most important anniversary in my life since there’s no way I’d have the life I have today without my sobriety. No way.

Unfortunately the universe decided to make things easy for me and help me remember the date I went blind by letting that happen on my three year sobriety anniversary. I swear, I have bad luck with double anniversaries.

Of course I knew my ten year sobriety date was this month. Of course I know today is special. It just snuck up on me, what can I say? It’s been a great book month, with two books out by two of my favorite authors, the baseball season began, Josh Groban has a new album out next week along with another book by an author I just discovered, my friends got two new snakes, B and I celebrated eight years together, see how easy it was for today to sneak up on me?

I thought about my friend asking if I was doing anything special so to days ago I went looking on Amazon at sobriety medallions since I no longer attend meetings and I’m not gonna be one of “those people” who show up just for the free medallion and cheers and claps on the back and hugs. Do I miss those things? Sure. do I feel the guilt I felt when I first stopped going to meetings and showing the newcomer sobriety is possible? Nope. Ha!

That’s called growth my friends. There are plenty of people able to be constantly available to show the newcomer sobriety is possible. It’s not up to just me to save the world and I can’t be one. And that’s ok. It’s been proven to me time and time again that my life has meaning, my story has meaning, and my friends prove that to me, so much so they made me cry this morning. Ya’ll know who you are, *cough* Twitter people. Twitter people who have become my friends and constant support, who make me laugh harder than anything else ever does, who understand that going blind is not the same as breaking one’s foot.

Oh but back to Amazon. I did buy myself a trinket for today that unfortunately won’t get here until next week since today snuck up on me. It’s a dog tag necklace with, 10 Years and, One Day at a Time on it. Simple, twelve bucks, and I can’t wait to get it. Dog tag necklaces are cool!

A few hours ago I was debating writing a post today since all I’ve done over the last several months is write about my life in that memoir. Would I do anything special today? My washer just beeped. It’s never beeped before. Odd.

So no, I’m not doing anything special today. I’m washing sheets. Josh Groban is singing from the bedroom. I listened to audio this morning of my friends feeding their snakes. I laughed and smiled, and then I cried after feeling a sudden bout of melancholy, thinking over the last ten years. Maybe writing would help, as a friend pointed out. I’ll write a post and title it, A Decade in Review. I’ll write about funny memories, touching memories, I’ll cry and laugh and hope you laugh and cry too. I had a good sob when the feelings of gratitude over my friends overwhelmed me, listened to my book while I ate my cereal and the urge to write a decade in review post fled. That story is in the memoir, not yet complete, not yet close to complete, but it will be there all the same.

Instead, today is a day of reflection and memory and grateful tears, all of which are personal to me on this day of double anniversary.

I’ll do my usual Friday thing, chores and reading and Twittering and I’ll think about the past absolutely insane decade of my life at times, but then I’ll stare into space and listen to the birds and be in today and just feel.

Oh and anxiously await the male and see what my friend sent. I guess I am doing something special. *Happy giggle*

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Filed under anniversary, Audio books, baseball, fellowship, gratitude, laundry, misty eyes, music, sobriety, treat for me, twitter me this

“My Life as a White Trash Zombie” by Diana Rowland – narrated by Allison McLemore

Thank you thank you thank you Audible for daily deals that turn me on to books like this. I’m in love with the White Trash Zombie books! Oh yes, there are more than one. Yay!

Angel Crawford is a drug addicted self proclaimed white trash loser in Louisiana who wakes in the hospital after what she remembers as a terrible car accident to discover her body uninjured and a judgmental bitchy nurse telling her she overdosed. A couple cops tell her she was found naked on the side of the road. Why then, does Angel remember screaming metal and all that blood?

Turns out a terrific cure for drug addiction is zombification! the only downfall is one must eat brains.

This new and different twist to zombies is freaking awesome! The very human parts of Angel as she learns how to live life as a brain eater was often times gut wrenching and the addiction part of it all was spot on. It had me in tears a few times, just feeling for Angel as she faced the emotional demons all us addicts and alcoholics do when we can no longer numb out with substances and must face ourselves. This book was so much fun and I’ve listened to it again. The first reading of it had me laughing so hard in bed at times I asked B if he had heard me in the other room. Allison McLemore is freaking fantastic and really brings Angel to life, dropping jokes and one liners with a sweet southern drawl. I recommend this book to anyone! I do warn you, some of the scenes are a bit stomach turning as Angel is learning how to consume the brains she needs to live. Live? Stay alive? Keep her body going? Not rot? Super zombie powers, activate!

Rating: Marriage Material

‘White Trash Zombie’ at Audible

It’s fitting I was up to this book on the list today since I once chatted with the author, Diana Rowland, on Twitter about how we find an MRI relaxing and even have slept in the machines. I had an MRI today. Just a routine one, not one under the duress of f severe flairs. I’m establishing care with a new neurologist and he wants a baseline and to see what my brain looks like. I wonder if my brain is baseball shaped.

It was awesome, they let me pick Josh Groban radio to listen to on the headphones in the MRI machine. Unfortunately it was a Pandora like station so there were artists other than Josh Groban too but they were all relaxing.

I find the MRI comforting. The bangs and vibrations are meditative. I used to think I was just really weird until Diana Rowland tweeted one day about sleeping in the MRI machine. Kindred spirits!

She’s awesome! There are two more White Trash Zombie books in the future. I’ve read the four that are out. Hehehe had my braaaaaaaaain looked at today bwah ha ha!

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Filed under 2014 Book List, Audio books, humor as coping skill, misty eyes, NaBloPoMo 2014, sobriety, spoons, twitter me this

“Love Life” by rob Lowe – narrated by Rob Lowe, Synchronicity and a Deep Question

I read Rob Lowe’s first memoir back in early 2012 and it placed seventh on that year’s top ten book list. I couldn’t wait for ‘Love Life’ to come out since I loved Lowe’s first book. It definitely did not disappoint.

‘Love Life’ doesn’t just pick up where his first book left off, rather it just tells different stories from his life in acting, family and sobriety. His stories about his son going off to college were gut wrenching and totally tear making. I can’t imagine what those stories must be like for people with children if they touched me that deeply. One can hear the emotion in his voice as he reads those segments.

The book wasn’t all heart warming stories about his family. There’s a particularly erm, interesting story about Lowe’s visit to the Playboy Mansion in his early twenties when fame was just finding him that actually made me slightly uncomfortable. I’m not a prude my any sense of the word so the only thing I can think that might have caused my squirming was the fact that my favorite baseball player is engaged to a Playboy bunny who is the mother of his children. Is that why? Perhaps I need to look at that some more haha!

I actually got a retweet from Rob Lowe after I tweeted him that his Bigfoot sound effect made my dog jump haha! It was at night and Jayden and I were curled in our respective beds when the howling issued from my speaker and the jingle of Jayden’s tags told me he had jerked awake. It was hilarious! I can’t remember exactly what Lowe’s comment was in the retweet but I think he apologized to Jayden or something. Does it matter what he said? I got a tweet from Rob Lowe! *Squeeeee!*

I enjoyed reading his memoir as research for my own memoir that I have finally begun. Much like my fiction novel, it is mostly a series of notes in my computer and memories marinating in my head. Fall is the time I usually devote to writing since baseball is over, so hopefully a dent will be placed in both projects. I like to think that my own voice in telling my story is similar to Rob Lowe’s. It’s one of seriousness mixed with self-deprecating humor. I remember when I was very newly sober, a woman told me that it’s ok to share about what I perceived as weakness because it made me relatable and therefore more helpful to others. Rob Lowe might be a hugely successful celebrity but he is also incredibly relatable and down to earth. I hope he writes another memoir! If he does, I hope he doesn’t terrify me like he did with the orange juice in this one.

Rating: Marriage Material

“Love Life’ at Audible

I wrote in yesterday’s post that I would include more life details in all these book posts so it doesn’t feel like I’m cheating for this year’s NaBloPoMo haha. I couldn’t help but think this afternoon when I sat on my couch with Jayden after sleeping extremely late that at that moment, I was loving life and the book I’d be writing about in today’s post was titled ‘Love Life’. Is it a good thing to notice the moments when one is loving life? By that I mean, do I notice those moments because it’s rare they creep in amongst the angst, fear and worry I so often feel? It’s like when you enjoy a steak all the more because you so rarely have a steak, whereas if you always had steaks, would you enjoy them as much? Do you get my meaning?

Today as I felt how much I loved that moment, I was enjoying the first cup of coffee of the day. The door was open to the cool breeze of the fall afternoon, football was on, the sounds of whistles and crowd noise the soundtrack as B and I woke up more than just our minds.

We’ve lived here a month and today was the first weekend day that both of us slept well into early afternoon. We were both pleasantly surprised. I’ve slept pretty well in this house but hadn’t yet enjoyed the truly luxurious experience of taking hours to fully awaken from a cozy and constant doze. It was wonderful!

The house in which we moved a month ago is a three bedroom two bathroom house with a nice big backyard. The yard is walled in so no more surprise visits from javelina! I love taking Jayden out in the mornings and listening to the birds in the several trees in the yard as they greet the day. I can’t wait to have chairs on the porch on which to sit and drink a cup of coffee haha!

It’s been interesting learning the new space. There has been much frustration as walls and the refrigerator jump out into my path. I have my writing studio/workout room at last! I am currently sitting in it as I type this, music softly playing, door closed to the sound of the Bigfoot movie B is watching. It’s not lost on me that I wrote about Rob Lowe’s memoir in which he tells a Bigfoot story. I often find interesting instances of synchronicity in my life, like a book with the name of a character being the same as a name of a character in the book I just finished. Am I the only one who notices things like that?

I think it’s time I wrap this up and tackle the issue of posting. I discovered yesterday that Voiceover is not playing nice with the checkboxes on the WordPress dashboard since I updated to Yosemite. It seems I can check boxes in the WordPress app though, so I’ll save this as a draft and go figure that out. Tomorrow’s book post will be a two-for-one I think. Both were rather dry non-fiction books.

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Filed under 2014 Book List, Audio books, misty eyes, NaBloPoMo 2014, sobriety, twitter me this, Voiceover, writing

Happy Anniversary to Me!

There is so very much I have to write about, tons of back logged book reviews and of course my incredible trip to St. Petersburg, FL but I’m not beginning any of that today. I am however hoping that writing something today will kickstart (my heart) all the writing I want to get done at some point in the near future.

I just looked back at the archives to see what I wrote last year and I’m disappointed in you, past Ro. Nothing from last year! What? Well this year I forgot my anniversary with Jayden so I guess I can understand why last year I forgot to write about my sobriety and blind anniversaries. I did look back at 2012 though and there’s this post: Sobriety and Blind anniversaries, Changed Plans and Silver Linings

I did notice something today that I wanted to make note of. When I posted on Twitter and Facebook about today being nine years sober, it took me a bit to remember that today is also my blind anniversary. Six years blind now! What stuck out to me about that is that all of the sudden, the blind part of today was no where in focus. All I’ve been thinking about this week was my sobriety. It was literally an afterthought that I went blind six years ago today as well. I find that very cool and definitely a big part of my growth.

Last night I had to do the math to make sure it was indeed going to be nine years. It really blows my mind!

Today has been nice except for the Rays game which was not happy making. Aside from that, I relaxed, chatted with a Facebook friend about sobriety, hung out on Twitter and listened to a panel of local journalists. B came home early after doing some charity type work and needing a shower haha. Long story.

I’ve requested some 5 Guys Burgers and Fries for dinner tonight and I can’t wait. Yummm fries!

Perhaps I should commit to at least a post a day until I’m caught up? that sounds like a plan. Nice! I totally called it that Carly Rae Jepsum or however she spells it was going to make the top ten worst first pitches list haha! Go me!

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Filed under Adjustment to blindness, anniversary, baseball, gratitude, Jayden, num num food, on this date, sobriety, twitter me this

Hanging with Ro Episode 14 – New Year’s Eve in Flagstaff Style

On New Year’s Eve, B and Jayden and I piled into the car and drove up to Flagstaff, AZ. The band Quiet Riot was doing a show there so we had been planning the trip for about a month. When he first asked me if I’d want to go I thought it would be fun to chill in the hotel while he went to the concert, but then I considered going to the show. It had been years since I rang in the new year anywhere other than my bed haha! I ended up not going though because it would have just been too loud for Jayden and for me. I like my hearing, thank you very much.

The drive up was uneventful. I listened to Josh Groban non-stop. B started telling me about snow on the ground next to the highway the closer we got to Flagstaff. Snow! When we arrived at the hotel the temperature change was quite drastic and the breeze bit my skin as we walked to the lobby. Inside I quickly put my Rays hoodie on.

The room was great! It had a little kitchen with a full size coffee maker. I brewed the coffee they provided but it wasn’t good so we’d have to hit a Starbucks so I could get some instant.

We relaxed for a bit in the room and after I fed and relieved Jayden, we headed to the casino to eat. B had to pick up a player’s club card which was the ticket to the show. Sitting in a diner at a casino at 5pm is super creepy. Unless it was just this particular one. It sounded like the most depressing place. There was no laughing, no idle chatter, no music and I kept hearing what sounded to me like a zombified game of Marco Polo.

As we ate I listened and finally got that people were walking by the diner saying, “Kino,” and the staff at the diner parroted them back in a very lackluster voice. Alrighty then.

Then B noticed the band walking right by the diner! He named each member as they passed. The drummer was last, the only original member of Quiet Riot and B said he was the only one with an entourage. Me: Really? B: Yeah, two people.

They were carrying their own bags and everything. Life as a washed up old hair band? It was still cool though.

As we were walking onto the actual gaming floor to get B’s pass, a security guard stopped us. I couldn’t hear what he was saying so he spoke up. He was asking if Jayden had paperwork. I blurted that I have an ID for him but I think the guy could tell I was shocked at the question. He said something like, “what are those dogs called, I can never remember.”

“I’m blind and he’s my guide dog.”

He let us go then. It was bizarre.

The game floor was so smokey! It rather disgusted me and I couldn’t believe I used to do that. I guess I have become the grumpy ex-smoker haha! It’s not so bad outdoors but inside there? Whew!

B got his pass and we went back out into the cold. Wow cold. I mean, cold!

We headed back towards the hotel and I used Siri to locate a Starbucks. Now I had real coffee and was good to go. We hung out for a bit and B tried watching that awful duck show. He switched to New Year’s stuff and there was a year in review show that was rather interesting. We never watch TV other than sports, so it was an experience haha! They discussed things I had only read about on Twitter. Pop culture anyone? It’s lost on me.

After B left I decided on a whim to record a voice note and it morphed into a Hanging with Ro episode. It had been awhile since I recorded myself being a goofball haha!

Ok so now for Hanging with Ro Episode 14. How perfect is that? Episode 14, ringing in 2014. Whoa. *opera voice* Spoooooky! *end opera voice*

So there are two files. This first one is the longest. I think it’s around forty minutes or so. I had no idea where it was going when I started haha! Topics include but are not limited to:

*Breaking the rules with Jayden

*Being out on New Year’s Eve. I just remembered the last time. It was 2005/06 and Georgie and I went to an AA New Year’s event. We were both in our first year sober and we were so scared we’d get hit by a drunk driver.

*Muttmuffs

*B stands for…

*Getting distracted and laughing at the TV

*Seriously? That’s CNN? Anderson Cooper giggling.

*Remotes hate me.

*2013 year in review. Colorado to see Chupa and my first Rays game. Feeling fabulous in Colorado.

*Hip pack humiliation.

*Bad summer, bad health oh who’s singing?

*Josh Groban. How I love the Josh Groban.

*We need to move. Teeth. Not move teeth. Ow.

*Gamma

*I don’t get TV.

*I make a cup of instant coffee but not in the closet.

*I sing la la la and the Josh Groban love begins with gusto.

*Flagstaff smells good.

*I try and describe the Grand Canyon.

*More Josh Groban drool only this time with songs on the iPad. I’m pathetic.

*Ok Josh maybe I didn’t hear that right from you I can’t be certain because you all talked a lot.

*Wow I was sniffling already. I got totally sick the next day.

*The song that made me cry in the car is a Stevie Wonder cover.

*Here is the translation to the song I was swooning over.

*I tell you to look up this clip on youtube so here it is.

*Ok wow I really am happy being me, trust me.

*Who’s outside the window?

*I wish I could shut up my humming.

*I waste time trying to play a song. I didn’t realize I had lost my wifi so I couldn’t get it from the cloud. Here’s the other Brave song by Sara Bareilles. You’ll probably recognize it from those Microsoft commercials.

*I wrap up this portion finally haha!

New Year’s Eve Part 1

And we’re back. This one is about sixteen minutes.

*I’m paranoid it’s not recording.

*Two minutes away from 2014.

*Loud upstairs neighbor.

*David DeJesus is mentioned. Baseball must be on the brain.

*Sleepy girl

*Midnight in New York phone call.

*A totally lame Arizona midnight but at least I checked the time at the exact right moment.

*Evan Longoria. He is seriously mentioned in every single one of my audios. You’d think I do nothing but talk about that man!

*I talk about the Phoenix trip I had forgotten to mention in my year review. Who got to go on the field at Chase Field? Thank you David Price!

*Phoenix killed me though. Well not really since I’m alive but you know.

*Disappointed girl in a Vanderbilt shirt.

*Dave and Andy!

*Learning from mistakes.

*Sleepy iPad scrolling. More talking about Josh Groban. Here’s the song I talk about where his voice becomes part of the instrumental. I really think that’s one of my favorites.

*Finally come to my senses and wrap it up. I also mess up a New Year blessing haha!

New Year’s Eve Part2

I was up when B got back. Just after I stopped recording, fireworks started and there were a lot of people outside the hotel. When I took Jayden out I couldn’t believe how cold it was! Wow. When I asked Siri she said, “brrrr, it’s twenty-two degrees.” B and I talked about the show and then I tried to sleep and failed miserably.

The next morning I woke up way too early and sat on the strange uncomfortable couch waiting for B to get up. Even he couldn’t sleep late. That hotel was so noisy!

We took our time getting ready and headed out to the Grand Canyon. I was sneezing a lot and wished I had taken some of the cold meds I brought with us. The Canyon was about an hour and a half from the hotel. On the road leading to the Canyon, there was suddenly a huge heard of elk! Do they roam in heards? Is it spelled that way? Hmmm.
Anyway, B had exclaimed, “deer! Wait, those are too big to be deer.”

“Are they elk?” I asked.

He said I was probably right and explained that a few crossed the road and several were on the side grazing on grass. Cool!

We parked and found the restroom and I had a total panic attack in there because it had hand dryers that sounded like freaking wind tunnels and they hurt my ears and Jayden was affected by them too and holy crap it was good to get out of there.

We made our way to where B could see the canyon and I listened to all the accents around us and children and different bird sounds. It was very cold and breezy. I did not feel well. There was much more walking than I had expected. I mean it’s a huge hole in the ground. It doesn’t seem like you should have to walk very much to find an edge. It had been sixteen years since I’d been there so couldn’t remember. I wanted to get to a good spot to get a picture with Jayden and me in front of the canyon but it was going to involve steps and there were too many people and yeah. Blah.

I snapped some pictures with my iPhone and sent one to Twitter and apparently it was lovely. Let me see if I can find the tweet. Ok I can’t find it so I asked Twitter. Might just have to upload it again. I should really figure out Word Press pictures haha. Here’s the picture. Thanks, @L_Squared!

So I just got sicker and sicker as we went back to the hotel. I collapsed for a bit and then we started trying to figure out food. The only two places that were open on New Year’s Day were The Outback and Sizzler. Sizzler? They still have those? That was my first ever job. I was a salad bar keeper. Fried shrimp entered my brain and that was all I could think about. So we went there and there was actually a huge snow drift in the parking lot! I had my fried shrimp but I was so miserable I hardly remember it. Bread pudding for dessert. I thought a rap in my head: I had dinner, at the Sizzler with my mister, on New year’s Day, while I had a fever. Wow. Um. Yeah hi. I won’t quit my day job. Oh wait, I don’t have one.

We went back to the hotel and I did some packing up and crashed. That was pretty much it! It was a really good time and I’m glad we did it. I felt pretty good there in Flagstaff, minus being sick of course. It was like how I felt better in Colorado. High elevation and cold, I tell ya. I used to think I’d like to live in Flagstaff but I don’t think so. Just too cold and there’s an odd feeling there. Just like in Sedona when I went with B several years ago. We both feel it in northern Arizona. Just an odd feeling. It’s a nice place to visit though!

Happy 2014 everyone! I hope you enjoyed the audio if you listened.

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Filed under apple Inc, baseball, coffeeholic, Dental Health, evan longoria, Gamma, gratitude, hanging with ro, holiday, Jayden, Microsoft, music, new year, num num food, plugs, random stuff, sicky sick, silly girl, sobriety, spoons, twitter me this, Voiceover, weather, white cane, wow, youtube

Now I definitely know I don’t want to be drunk and blind

Not that there has been any doubt. When I got out of the hospital after going blind my uncle asked If I wanted to drink and I said, “then I’d be blind AND falling on my ass.”

It’s pretty scary when you have a hard time walking under your own power and you kind of rely on your legs and stuff to help you negotiate the world around you that you can’t see because when you can’t see the horizon you need the rest of you to tell you which way is up and when you’re drunk, this doesn’t work too well.

Wait wait wait, back up, drunk? What?

Yeah no, not drunk on alcohol, drunk on the remnants of anesthesia. Rejoice! The teeth finally came out! The poisonous teeth and even though it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since they were cracked and pried from my skull, I already feel better. Yes yes yes yes yes! Surgeon’s office called Thursday with the insurance approval and I got the first available appointment yesterday. yes!!!

Ok, deep breath. Really did just take one. I’ve been awake since 2:30am because I got too much sleep yesterday and that kills my “non-military regimented sleep schedule”. First I had the nap thanks to a needle in my arm and then I had a nap on my bed at home later while my body adjusted to the vicodin it had never experienced plus the half a cup of coffee I nursed in bed that wasn’t enough to keep me awake. I couldn’t even have water before the surgery. I had to wake up without coffee. Any time B asked me the night before if I was nervous I just said only about waking up without coffee.

The no water was actually harder though. My throat was so dry and I felt like there was a lump there. I gargled when I brushed my teeth and I was allowed a sip to take morning meds but I’m used to twenty ounces of water in the mornings so I was parched like fall foliage.

B and I got to the surgeon’s office ten minutes before my 10:45am appointment. It was nearing 11am when I said to B they probably schedule you for 10:45am so you won’t be late for your 11am appointment and then I had an internal rant about how we punctual people are being punished thanks to the chronically late. It was then that I noticed I was getting anxious. I was ready to get this over with, I had survived the no coffee and now it was time to face the fact that they’d be knocking me out and crunching five teeth out of my head. Ok to be fair they probably only had to crunch two out, the two impacted wisdom teeth. The top wisdom tooth was just a leftover root of the tooth that broke while I ate Lucky Charms years ago before i had dental insurance and the other two were the bottom front teeth that I ruined with a steal tongue ring all those years ago when I didn’t listen to my dental hygienist friend and replace the balls with acrylic. Those teeth have been loose for years so they probably popped out no problem. So I’m sure there was only crunching on two teeth but man my neck and shoulders feel it today. What did they do to me while I was asleep? I had the idea to start a voice note on my phone in my pocket but I felt too much like an NSA spy so I didn’t do it. I mean what if the surgeon and his assistants discussed deep life issues?

They had told me at the consult that the anesthesia would be just like when I had the colonoscopy so I was expecting to come out of it asking questions, not with the remnants of my dream about manipulating gravity.

When they were hooking me up to the hard monitor and such, the pitch of the beep beep beep kept changing when I moved. At one point they all left the room so I started playing with the beeping, slowing down and holding my breath so the beeping got slow and then taking a quick deep breath to speed up the beeping. I’m weird, but it distracted me from the fact that I had left Jayden in the lobby with B and this patient who had been seriously interested in him. (Jayden, not B.)

The main assistant was the woman who did the brunt of my consultation and I remembered her telling me she’d be there the day of surgery. She told me her name was Leah but said I probably wouldn’t remember but I said I would because my friend Amanda has a guide dog named Leah and Leah the woman asked if Leah the dog was a good dog and I said yes.

So I kept waiting for Leah yesterday and she finally got there and I got happy and she rubbed my shoulders. Everyone there was so personable and they made the experience less than scary, just like the people at the colonoscopy. Medical professionals are awesome. I should know, I used to be one. I made them all laugh when I heard a woman say, “heart rate is…” she trailed off and I said, “elevated”. I was nervous haha.

So Leah asked if anything had changed since I was there and I said no and she asked when I was there and when I told her she said, “Oh, the day before I found out I was pregnant!” So we had a squealy girlie moment and she empathized with the no coffee since she can’t drink coffee now either. “At least you get to have some when you get home,” she joked.

Then the surgeon was there and he started my IV and I told Leah to make sure nothing fell down my throat and she said they’d put in a throat cup and then I was waking up from my dream about manipulating gravity. And freezing. I was shivering so hard and it’s a good thing my mouth was full of gauze. I tried to talk. Ha!

The rest was a whirlwind. They brought B and Jayden in and were giving B instructions because obviously I was way too out of it. I was still thinking about gravity and wondering why I couldn’t talk and was that my lip? Holy crap that’s my lip! Is there a baseball where my chin should be?

They got me to a wheelchair and Jayden gave me a once over and they were wheeling me out and to B’s car and Leah and B helped me to the car and Jayden got in and I looked at Leah and muttered through gauze,” ngats ong te aby.” and I gestured at my stomach. Leah was awesome! I think I might send the office a card or something.

I barely remember the drive home. I tried to take a picture of myself but the camera wouldn’t work. It was probably drunk user error.

B and Jayden helped me in the house and then we took Jay out to pee and then I collapsed on the couch and I told B I wouldn’t move until he got back from getting my prescriptions and some mac and cheese. But pain started setting in right after he left so I got up to look for the codeine I still had from the dentist but I couldn’t find it so I took two Tylenol. That could have been bad because the vicodin the surgeon gave me has Tylenol in it. I did my drug research this morning now that I’m coherant. It was fine though. I was still cold so I changed into warm house clothes and climbed into bed, using Gamma’s cane to get around and when B got home he brought everything into the bedroom. I took a Vicodin and we discussed that I also had prescription Advil and I was to alternate the two every two hours. This has held the pain no problem and even when I slept last night, I magically awoke when it was time for the next dose. I’ve hardly felt any pain at all, thank God! I also noticed last night that the pressure in my lower jaw is gone and the vertigo is already subsiding! Those teeth were poison! I swear, medical and dental needs to be covered by the same money. Even flossing was easier without those two wisdom teeth pushing everything together.

I settled into bed and Jayden sat right by the bed even though his bed was right there in the corner. He wouldn’t leave my side. So I pulled is bed right next to me and he curled up. Such a protective boy!

I had started coffee right when we got home and had a cup by the bed that literally took me hours to drink. I got hungry and got up and as I walked out of the room B said, “whatcha doin, you ok?” Such a protective boy!

Eating hard boiled eggs with a partially numb mouth was a bad idea. It was hard to tell what was egg white and what was cheek. I had two cups of apple sauce after that (apple sauce is crack on a sore mouth yum) and when I put my book on it wasn’t long before I turned it off and went to sleep. B woke me at 4:30 since he was going to get some dinner and I was like oh it’s time to feed Jayden! So I got Jayden fed and relieved and then got back into bed. I dictated some tweets and then ate a big thing of Stouffer’s mac and cheese and listened to my book and took my meds every two hours and went to sleep at 10:30 and then magically woke up at 12:30 for my next dose and then again at 2:30 for my next dose but then I couldn’t sleep again so I finally got up at 4 am and I’ve been up ever since. I just checked and it’s 10:18am. I think I’ll get back into bed soon.

Jayden was adorable when I got out of bed at 4am to get some caffeine since a caffeine headache was breaking through the meds. Jayden got up on the couch and methodically sniffed my jawbone. He knows it hurts in there. I swear to God it was like he was making sure I was ok! Either that or it just smelled different and interesting.

When B got up and was heading to work I asked him something, I can’t remember what, and he needed me to repeat it since I now sound funny. You know the beaver from Lady and the tramp? I sound like that now. Ok maybe not quite to that extreme. 😉

It’s time for Jayden to pee and split a banana with me and then I think I’ll retire to listen to the book and the character who manipulates gravity.

Speaking of gravity”

Random Coolness

Tucson is Epicenter of Meteorite Strike

That explains the boom I heard last night that rattled the bedroom window. I didn’t say anything to B because I thought it was just the drugs talking. When he cane in later and read the story of the mysterious boom on his phone I sat up in bed and exclaimed, “that’s what that was!?” B was bummed he hadn’t heard it.

Oh PS – Yesterday was Mom’s birthday! I used to drink a daiquiri or five on her birthday, then when I got sober I switched to some kind of food she would have liked but yesterday there was no eating Greek food or blackened chicken but she did used to like Stouffer’s mac and cheese! I also found out on Twitter today that she shared a birthday with Michael Dorn a.k.a Worf.

PPS – Georgie called as I was previewing this post. She had seen my posts on Facebook and was calling to check on me so we traded wisdom teeth stories. I wish I had asked her if she heard the boom last night. When we hung up my jaw ached. It is hard to talk without those lower teeth. I have to work harder to get the words out. Fun!

PPPS – How are all my run-on sentences? That’s how I think when I’m sleep deprived. Or maybe all the time. Is it time for my next dose? Not yet.

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Filed under Adjustment to blindness, birthday, coffeeholic, Dental Health, dream, Gamma, Jayden, jayden quirks, mom, num num food, silly girl, Sleep Deprived Fun, sobriety, twitter me this

Who’da thunk a trick from the old drunk days would come in handy in sobriety?

When I was an active alcoholic, there was about six months or so when I stayed in hotels a lot. No, I was not a hooker haha. I lived in a house with a bunch of people and the guy I was dating lived with his mom, so if we wanted privacy, we stayed in hotels. I was a waitress at the time so I always had cash in my pockets, making it too convenient to pay for a room every day.

If you’ve stayed in a lot of hotels or even just one once or twice a year, I’m sure you’ve noticed that the water pressure in the showers is sorely lacking. To me there’s nothing worse than a light drizzle in the shower. I want a downpour.

On Monday my apartments had all new toilets and shower heads installed to help with the conservation of water. I tried the shower head and could tell I wasn’t going to like it. B showered the next day and reported that yes, the water pressure sucks. I put off bathing since these days I try to only bathe once or twice a week. Bathing exhausts me and standing in the shower with vertigo? No fun. I’ve been taking baths but my body temp was getting too high so there was just no winning. Today I braved a shower since B was home.

Now what I don’t understand about these water conserving shower heads is this: if it takes you twice as long to rinse your hair, are you not using the same amount of water?

I was afraid of this since it’s hard enough to keep my arms above my head and now it would take twice as long. My hair is long right now since it’s just easier to maintain when long so my arms were aching just thinking about rinsing shampoo out of my hair twice and then rinsing the conditioner. I wrote “long” too many times and I’m not going to fix it. Bwah ha ha!

Luckily the old hotel living experiences came rushing back and I thought to try and twist the shower head. Could it possibly have a massage setting? Bingo! Using the massage setting condenses the stream of water into a much narrower set of jets thus increasing the water pressure and aiding with the rinsing process.

I thought about using it to actually massage my sore shoulder but let’s not get too excited. We are conserving water after all and it would take a lot more to actually massage my sore shoulder. Often ideas come to me in the shower but I think this is the first time I’ve had an idea to write about the shower in the shower.

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Filed under NaBloPoMo 2013, random stuff, sobriety, spoons