Category Archives: Sleep Deprived Fun

Even in my morning desire to rage, I didn’t have the urge to smash it like a bullpen phone.

Welcome to another episode oF *CROWD CHANTS THE WORDS* SLEEP! DEPRIVED! FUN! WITH YOUR HOST, RO, THE RAYS DUCHESS OF THE ARIZONA TERRITORIES!

I HAVE THE TIARA TO PROVE IT.

NO REALLY, I DO. I WAS SERIOUSLY TEMPTED TO WEAR IT TO MY LAST STEROID TREATMENT YESTERDAY. I HADN’T HAD THE ENERGY TO BATHE THE DAY BEFORE AND BLOW OUT MY HAIR SO I STUCK MY RAYS CAP ON YESTERDAY AND ALMOST PUT THE TIARA ON OVER IT. I THINK I HAVE EXPERIENCED A LITTLE OF WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN A MANIC PHASE. I MENTIONED IN YESTERDAY’S POST THAT I LISTENED TO THAT GNARLES BARKLEY SONG CRAZY ALL THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL. JUST ON REPEAT. THE DRIVER WAS A SPEED RACER TOO, SO IT WAS A SERIOUSLY FUN RIDE TO THE HOSPITAL. I KINDA WISH I HAD WORN THE TIARA.

Davis just informed me on Twitter that I was yelling. I hate it when I knock caps lock on and don’t notice it. Was I yelling in this post? Well, it would fit. I’m feeling crazy again this morning as the hours tick by. I don’t know for sure when I woke up. I try not to check the time so I don’t obsess but then I needed an ibuprofin and I always note the time when I take one since I take the 600mg pill and I don’t want to overload my kidneys. When I checked the time it was 3:00am and I had been laying awake for quite awhile. *groan*

So I lay there some more and then just gave up and got out of bed. I ended up reading through all my short stories here when I grabbed the link to the archives page to send to my new neuropathic friend. (His title. I like it.)

My writing schedule has been killed these last two weeks with all the medical stuff that came up so suddenly. I don’t know how I’ve managed to get a post up every day for NaBloPoMo. I’m sure the last few don’t make much sense. At least this morning I’m co-hearing ok that’s me trying to use Dictate on the Mac to spell a word and it’s just not working. Coherent There we go! Oh, it’s ent not ant.

Did I already write that I see the neurologist today? Maybe I’m not coherent if I already forgot what I’ve written. I’ve mentioned it on Twitter so that might be where I wrote it. this is why I shut Twitter down when I’m working on the novel haha.

It’s only 5:12. My alarm is going off in just under two hours. At least it’s not a three hour infusion today with travel to and from the hospital mixed in. I’m hoping to talk to my friend Shupa this afternoon after I get home. I’ve been drawing on her strength the last few days without her knowing it. Sometimes you just reach out through the ether to people who understand what you’ve going through.

I can’t quite seem to get silly like I have in past sleep deprived posts. Hmmm.

You know what sucks? Steroids. usually they’re awesome. this go round? Not so much. usually they increase your apetitie. Oh God I can’t type that word hahaha. Apetitie. What? Ok is a brain lesion effecting my finger nerves? Appetite. Ok had to type it super slow. Anyway, usually food is awesome right? I love food. And in the past on steroids when the hunger would hit and it hits fast, it was fun to wolf down food and appease the hunger monster. I mean it comes on FAST. It’s like, you better feed me now bitch, or there’ll be hell to pay. but yesterday? Hunger hit, had to eat but the thought of food was disgusting. I had my usual lunch at about 3pm after I got home and had to clean up cat mess and it was like forcing down my turkey and radish sandwich that I usually love. Then I went and got a light massage, therapist going easy on me just to help relax the muscles but not exacerbate anything. I had told B before my massage that I had no idea what I might want to eat after so I’d just make PB & J. I mean one can always eat PB & J right?

When I got home I decided I wouldn’t eat. But then the hunger hit and there was no choice. I had to force down that PB & J. I am not enjoying this.

My vertigo is pretty bad. I think if my eyes worked, I’d be noticing some vision issues. It’s hard to explain what I feel since I can’t see, but I feel my eyes trying to do something. It reminds me of the nystagmus I had as a kid. That’s where your eyes vibrate. It used to happen to me at night when I turned the lights out to sleep. I’d have to turn the bedside light on and stare at it to make my eyes stop vibrating. That’s almost how they feel now.

So I don’t know how much success the steroids were. I don’t know if the doc will order another MRI. Several have asked me that. I didn’t have a second MRI in the past after steroids, but that was after being treated at the hospital, so who knows what Dr. v will want. I’m looking forward to this week being over but I am grateful I see him today.

I’m just plopping my hat on today. Don’t worry, I won’t put the tiara on. I am becoming one of those people who goes out with hair overdo for a wash. Nooooooo!!!! I just have not had the energy to shower after treatment this week and I can’t do it in the mornings because bathing takes all my energy. So…body spray it is! I hope I don’t stink. I don’t think I do. I haven’t sweat. It’s been really beautiful here weather wise.

So I’m just sitting here drinking coffee, flipping over to Twitter and carrying on conversations. The heater is on. the air from the vent in my den is so loud I have to adjust the volume of my screen reader when it turns off and on .

Oh no, the hunger wolf is prowling. I’d really rather have breakfast close to the time I’ll be leaving to my appointment but when this wolf gets hungry, it gets really hard to ignore, like a dog who is demanding attention. I think I only have one more bowl of Special K left in the box. *sob*

I’m going to get some green tea later with my prescription. My massage therapist said green tea is good to help the body adjust after high doses of steroids. I didn’t ask how he knows that. Maybe I should see if I can get ARod on the line for his tips. Bah ha ha! I assure you my phone is safe from harm. Even in my morning desire to rage, I didn’t have the urge to smash it like a bullpen phone.

Dammit hungry. Maybe I can manage a slice of bread with some peanut butter. Hmmm. Yeah that sounds good. I’ll go try and eat that and report back.

Ok, that was pretty tasty. I stuck a half a banana on there. Jayden was happy with this development. A taste of peanut butter and a half a banana? Nom.

Only problem is I forgot to take a Zantac this morning. Steroid heartburn sucks. Just popped one so hopefully it’s not too late.

I think I’m done rambling about nothing. I’m getting sleepy. Go figured. Three hours till I leave for the doctor. Tick Tock.

Today’s song of the day:

I really like how WordPress handles youtube videos now. Just plop the link in and WP does the rest.

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Filed under coffeeholic, doc, gratitude, humor as coping skill, iPhone, Jayden, mental health, NaBloPoMo 2014, num num food, rambles, random stuff, screen reader, silly girl, Sleep Deprived Fun, spoons, twitter me this, weather, youtube

I Chose to Keep Scully

Hi everyone!

{silence}

hello?

{crickets}

*Sigh*

Hello? (hello…hello…hello…)

Well, it looks like I’ve lost all my readers again. Serves me write for being a terrible blog poster. I haven’t even finished writing about my St. Pete trip. In my defense though, this summer hasn’t exactly been the smoothest as far as my health goes. You know what though? That’s not a great excuse for not writing, especially since right now I’m writing this post to force myself to stay put and not move my tortured body for a little while. Luckily my forearms don’t hurt. That’s when it’s really tough to write. My friend Liz inspired me to post an update, so that I shall do.

I’m forcing myself to rest my body because for the last month I have been purging and packing the apartment. B and I are moving into a rental house tomorrow. Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya! Tomorrow! Multiple musical notes emoji. That’s what I hear when the um, emoji that I assume has multiple musical notes is tweeted, mostly by Josh Groban. Ro, stay on point man.

Anyway, so I have been furiously working on the apartment getting it ready to move. The stuff in it, not the actual apartment. I’m learning how to become a minimalist, which is basically just, don’t keep every freaking little thing you ever owned in your entire life. Objects don’t have feelings. It is ok to throw them out. I um, Googled, “how to become a minimalist,” that’s how I know my teddy bear didn’t cry when I put him, it, in the garbage bag. That teddy bear is the only thing I regret throwing away. Out of the loads and loads of stuff I threw out or donated, I’d say that’s a win for me. It also really helps that anything that had no texture that brought back a good memory was thrown out. That means all papers and pictures, gone. Poof. I found a lot of great things I had forgotten I had and most of the things I kept filled one big Rubbermaid container and were trinkets from childhood and my teen years, like my Mulder and Scully Barbie dolls. I kept Scully but not Mulder. *Gasp* Oh hush, they weren’t in their box and the Scully doll looks cooler. What? Oh you thought the title was in reference to Vin Scully? No, this post has nothing to do with baseball for once.

OMG did you know cigarette smoke never goes away? I am so glad I quit smoking. I found a robe I love and even after washing it, I still smelled stale smoke. Yuck!

B is coming home in about forty-five minutes to take me to the house so I can check it out. It will be my first time there. I agreed to this house without ever stepping foot inside it. B looked at it from the outside twice and last night was his first time inside the house. We were on the phone as he did a walk through. I’m super excited! I am going to have my girl cave/writing studio/workout room/guest room! I can’t wait! I don’t know which of the two spare rooms it will be yet, either the green room or the purple one. (The owner of the house raised kids there. We’re the first renters.) I’ll pick the room today. I can’t wait! Oh, and the thing that sparked the move, washer and dryer. Inside. No more lugging laundry out in the heat!

I’ve set up some pretty major writing goals for myself after I get settled into my office girl cave quiet room. perhaps this is the first of many things I’ll be writing in the next couple of years. Here’s hoping!

Ok, must get dressed in leave-the-house clothes. Finally get to check out the house I’ve been dreaming of for a month! Jayden will have a yard with a wall. No javelina! Oh man I can’t wait! Now to make it until tomorrow night when I’m hoping to have showered off the day’s grime and be settling in to relax. We have movers thank goodness. I have movers coming from the University of Arizona through a company called Bellhops. They are an affordable moving company who sends college students to come do the heavy lifting for you. We’re just about all packed up and ready to go. Squee!

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Filed under Jayden, laundry, plugs, rambles, silly girl, Sleep Deprived Fun, spoons, twitter me this, writing

Tampa Bay Trip – Day Three: Don Zimmer and Opening Day

My feelings as I mentally map this post are mixed. Today is the day I write the Opening Day post. My First Opening Day and Don Zimmer’s last. He passed away peacefully last night and the evening became full of Don Zimmer memories from all over baseball. My eyes would dry and then another tweet would come through with another story, Dave and Andy would call a play and tell a story, pictures were imagined, Zim with Longoria’s fiance Jaime and baby Elle, Zim on the golf course with Jackie Robinson, my eyes were in a constant state of damp. The post-game show was a Life and Times of Don Zimmer and when they played the interview with Joe Maddon tearing up I couldn’t hold back the sobs. At the end of the show they interviewed Longoria and the heartbreak in his voice rang like a ball squared up just right before sailing out of the park. He and Zim were very close as was the entire Rays organization. Zim was their senior baseball advisor for the last eleven years. This was his sixty-sixth season in baseball.

This morning I read many wonderful articles about this baseball icon and I would like to share a few before I get to recounting my experience on Opening Day.

Don Zimmer, a baseball icon who was one of us, dies at 83 – Tampa Bay Times

Rays advisor Don Zimmer, widely seen as a baseball treasure, dies – Tampa Bay Times

Statement from Don Zimmer’s Family – Tampa Bay Times

Don Zimmer Tributes – Tampa Bay Times

Don Zimmer simply loved baseball – ESPN (Autoplaying media)

Don Zimmer was baseball icon: had fans everywhere, even an unusual place – Arizona Daily Star

I obviously did not know Don Zimmer. I heard several people last night say they could imagine him smacking them upside the heads and telling them to get on with it and call the game/play the game write about the game so that is what I will now do. It was not lost on me last night that I was due to write about my first Opening Day which was also Don Zimmer’s last.

So the morning of Opening Day 2014 wasn’t separated from March 30 by even a wink of sleep. Was it excitement that kept me awake all night? The fact that I had a sixty-five pound dog with me in the double bed? Jet lag? Looking back I’m sure it was a combination of all of it.

I was laying in bed when I heard the first seagulls start screaming. I remember laying there, checking my phone , thinking I should stay in bed and rest since I hadn’t slept but it was Opening Day!

I made some lukewarm coffee before feeding Jayden. I decided I would take him out on my own since Manda wouldn’t be at my room until around 10:30. Jayden found his litter box just fine but then we couldn’t find the room again. We walked around for awhile, not having much luck. The kids weren’t in the pool yet which was too bad since that was a great sound source. Luckily a jogger came buy and I called out when I heard the footsteps and heavy breathing. He stopped to help and I told him what room I was in. I didn’t like the idea of giving a passerby my room number but when I had tried to call the hotel, I got no answer. What was I supposed to do?

“This must be horrible for you,” he said as he led us to the pool area.

“No one likes getting lost,” I said. Um. Wow. Too late I wished I had launched into this amazing experience that was happening because I went blind. That was such a long story and honestly when the sighted say things like that, it’s just their own fear coming out. It wasn’t that he was saying it was horrible for me, he was saying it would be horrible if it happened to him. He probably didn’t know that was what he meant, but that’s what he meant. but I’m getting way off topic.

I thanked him for his help. (At least he didn’t try to take my arm or Jayden’s harness) I decided I might as well get ready for the day. Manda was going to bring Egg McMuffins! I showered in the tiny bathroom. How good that hot water felt. It was very odd to be standing in the shower and hear seagulls outside the window. Wouldn’t that have been a scary scene in The Birds? Ooh ooh The Birds and Psycho mashup!

By the time Manda got to my room I was in pretty ugly shape. Starbucks instant coffee on an empty stomach and no sleep is a very bad combination. Oh and nerves. Gee I wonder what exacerbated those? Lukewarm coffee anyone? We can’t forget the nerves. I remember telling her that I was being a bitch and apologizing and her saying something like this is you being a bitch? It was all rather blurry at that point.

The game was starting at 4:10. I remember having to tell myself not to convert it to Arizona time. Davis and Butch were going to pick us up at the hotel at 1:00 I think. We wanted to get there when the gates opened. Why did we leave so early? I don’t remember.

Butch! He was the next friend for me to meet and I couldn’t wait! We talked quite a bit on Twitter.

After I ate my egg McMuffins I felt a little better. Manda had brought a blue beaded necklace and some blue bracelets for me to where. I dressed in jeans and one of my new Rays Tank tops. I had gotten my hair cut into a bob before leaving so it was quick and easy to style and the stylist had put this blue chalk stuff in my hair. I was ready!

When the guys got to the room I met butch and we all started to get ready to go. We took Jayden to his litter box, piled into the Ro To Trop Mobile and hit the road. As soon as the car began to move I could feel myself relax. All the preparation had come down to this and we were on our way!

Thanks to the Rays, my group had parking passes and tickets to the luxury suite the team had given me for the first three games. Back when we planned the trip, I didn’t know the opening series was a four game series, so I had only planned on going to the first three. Davis’ wife Tina had to work so she would be meeting us at the Trop.

Aside:

I’m listening to the pre-game show and they just replayed Joe Maddon’s interview from last night. It’s a rare 4:10 pm EST start today, a Thursday, and I’m writing about a game that began at 4:10 EST on March 31. some of this is getting weird. Awww Joe and Dave choked me up all over again and then I laughed when Dave echoed the sentiment I wrote above about getting on with it and writing the post.

End aside.

Davis dropped us off near gate 4. That was the gate closest to the suite and where we had planned to meet up with Dave Haller, the Rays Director of Communications, who had organized my red carpet treatment. He did a tremendous job! Thank you for everything, Dave!

When I got out of the car I heard upbeat music. Immediately I felt the celebratory energy. The weather was perfect and I was at the Trop! I was so happy to check in on Foursquare haha.

We were there before doors opened so we stood around and talked while I took it all in. I asked if there was one of those planes flying around dragging a banner. Those are unmistakeable even when they aren’t seen. The music continued. Every so often there was someone talking on a loud speaker and distant cheers. The party was at the main gate, not where we were, which was fine by me. There were people milling around but it wasn’t loud.

I heard cheering closer and was told the Fox Sports Florida girls were nearby. You should have heard it when they saw Jayden. How can I describe this? Ok you know when you’re watching college football and the broadcast comes back from commercial and they lead in with the cheerleaders crowding around the camera and cheering? It was that. The girls swarmed me and cooed and then I was taking a picture with them and then some guy came up and they were gone. Talk about surreal. I think I’m going to set up an Instagram account just to post all these photos.

Aside:

9-6 Marlins. Are the Rays coming back? I finally went back to working on this post as a distraction.

End aside.

Soon after a male voice introduced himself and said he was from a news station. Wha? I plastered a movie star smile on as he asked if he and his camera guy could follow me inside and up to the suite and then ask me a few Questions. Um, Sure? Haha!

Julie, when did I meet you? Before or after all this? Ok I was going to write when I met every single person but that will give me grey hairs so just know you were all incredibly important to me haha! (Julie tweeted me May 6 after the Rays win and reminded me how I met her. After the media guys walked away I heard someone say hi to Jayden. “Who knows Jayden?” I asked, and that’s how we met. As soon as I read her tweet it came back to me so I had to edit this post for memory’s sake. By the end of the trip, lots of people called out Jayden’s name, but Julie was the first!)

The newsman and camera guy walked away and soon after Dave Haller was there. Dave!!! He had my personalized jersey with him! I had known the Rays were going to give me a jersey but had completely forgotten. It has the Number 3 on the back for Evan Longoria and the name is the trip’s hashtag, #RoToTrop. Actually i found out later that it’s in all caps. #ROTOTROP. That is important in a future post. If a person didn’t read this post, they won’t get the joke. Bwah ha ha! Dave talked to us briefly and then said he would meet us inside the gate when doors opened. The newsman and camera guy were back not long after.

“Where’d you get that jersey?” the newsman asked. I explained. “Would you mind taking it off and putting it back on so we can film it?”

That really happened. It really did. I had put the jersey on unbuttoned on top of my tank top. I did as he asked so they could create their broadcast. I think the broadcast is online somewhere. I’ll try and get those details before I post this. Ok Heather to the rescue hours later. The segment is here. She said there are two links, and you have to click an arrow to get to mine. It’s so not blind friendly.

(9-6 Miami in the 8th)

Finally the gates opened! We went through the security check and the woman said she was calling ahead to my section to let them know a service dog was coming. I was aware of the camera crew behind me but I just tried to focus on walking into the Trop for the first time. Just after we walked in the doors I heard my name. It was Dave Haller and he was telling me someone was there waiting for me but I didn’t hear him.

“Who?”

Brandon Gomes.”

I don’t remember the sound I made but it was probably that sound you make in your throat when you are shocked . Then I was hugging him. My first Ray! I was laughing with happiness and I could hear people all around and then my friends wanted pictures so we posed and I got to keep touching him, haha! I wanted a picture with my phone so I could post on Facebook for my friends and Family. I bent over trying to hear my phone so I could bring up the camera and hand it off. I remember Brandon Gomes saying, “she’s pretty good with that thing.” *Squeal* I was no longer mentally thirty-five. I was fifteen meeting a player from my favorite baseball team. Was this really happening? All too soon I had to leave Mr. Gomes who I started calling “my lover”. I don’t know why hahaha! Maybe because I unabashedly kept touching him?

We had to go up in an elevator. Did you know they have elevator attendants? So cool! We got to the floor where the suite was and walked down a narrow hall. I suddenly had the fear that Jayden would do something really bad and it would be caught on camera. I was aware that everything i said to him was being recorded. Weird!

When we got to the suite Jayden turned right and we started exploring. On the wall where the door was, there was a sink. This was the back of the suite and there were bar tables with barstool chairs. There was a table with hotdogs and fixins and there were sodas and bottled waters. Towards the front of the suite, there were two rows of stadium seats. These couldn’t be accessed from the right side. The room was enclosed on three sides with the front being completely open to the field. Along the front row of seats was a handy shelf to set drinks. I made my way to the left side of the suite and there were two steps to go down to reach the front row of seats. I went down the steps and stood at the bottom, thinking about the fact that the field where my beloved team plays was right down there! The suite was along the left field line behind third base where Longoria plays and up a few levels. The Rays dugout is on the first base line so the sightlings could look into the dugout.

The newsman was there all of the sudden asking if he could interview me so my friends and I could enjoy the suite. thinking back on this, it’s still almost not believable. This kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me! I don’t remember what he asked me exactly. Something about how I became a Rays fan, how long I had been blind (“since she couldn’t see”), etc etc. I was instantly roasting under the light they shined in my face and I bumped the mic at one point while gesturing with my hands.

After they left I needed water. Someone went and got me a bottle and Manda was showing me the nice spot next to the first chair on the first row of seats. It was a perfect spot for Jayden. I put his mat down and had him settle there and I sat in the chair, taking off the jersey top so I could cool off. What a whirlwind!

I think Manda and I took Jayden to find the relieving area before the game started. Davis and Butch were busy running tickets down to other people who would be joining us in the suite. There was a nice fenced off area with grass for Jayden. Grass? Wow. Haha. He had also used a grassy patch near a tree back before we had gone into the Trop. He left his mark everywhere.

We made sure to be back inside for the festivities . They would be raising the 2013 Wild Card banner. I didn’t want to miss any of the Opening Day ceremony.

I got all settled into my seat with my jersey back on, my little radio and cowbell at the ready, Jayden wearing his Mutt Muffs and waited for everything to begin.

The first thing was that they did a bunch of video and audio highlights. It was so cool to hear things I had heard so many times at home coming through the speakers at Tropicana Field. The stadium rang with the clanking of cowbells. I wonder if I ever stopped smiling.

I can’t remember what made me decide to record a voice memo but I’m so glad I did. I got a recording of the National Anthems, both Oh Canada and the Star Spangled Banner. On the recording is the announcement of the entire Rays “staff” if you will. Right before the starting lineup, Don Zimmer was introduced and the place went wild. He was there down by the dugout in a golf cart, and as each player left the field the player stopped and talked to Zim. I am so grateful I was in the same building as a living legend.

If you would like to hear this voice memo, click here. I listened to it this morning and am totally embarrassed by how I sound but that is the sound of unbridled joy. Even though it makes me blush, I’m so glad I have it and I’m happy to share. Warning, the cowbells and screaming is quite loud haha! Listen at your own risk.

I had pointed to where I thought everything would be on the field and got confirmation from a sightling. As the game began I put on my radio and listened to Dave And Andy just like I would at home, my head turned toward where I heard the action go. I was in the zone, listening to my radio guys, listening to the barking sound effects from District K-9 when Price got a strike-out. I heard beer and ice cream calls in person that I always hear on the radio and I heard the whistling of Yunel Escobar at short. I was there. It was Opening Day and I was at Tropicana Field. I was the luckiest damn girl in the world.

If you managed to listen to that voice memo, you heard my friend Tina saying I was making her and Butch cry in the row behind me. I was full of good emotions and the music that played when the banner was raised was the soundtrack of my happiness. Until Evan Longoria came to bat, of course. There is nothing like hearing those electric violins loud and in person. I could feel the base in my heart as the song and man that started it all came to the plate. I can’t remember if he got a hit. I want to say he did but maybe that’s just the romantic in me.

One of the friends I got to meet in the suite that night was Aviatrixx (her Twitter name). She brought her three year-old daughter with her. She had asked me before I left Tucson what she and her daughter could bring for Jayden. I told her I trusted Nylabone and Goughnut products so she gave me a Romp and Chomp. This thing is so cool! It’s a Nylabone with a space inside to put what looks like a Slim Jim inside. It was the perfect gift for a dog who was bored at a baseball game! He loved it and there were enough refills for the rest of the games and some “O bones” as I started calling them when we got home. I need to order some refills for his birthday next month. Thank you, Aviatrixx!

Nothing else specific stands out about the game. R.A. Dickey pitched for the Toronto Blue Jays and the Rays won. I do remember it wasn’t a close game so it wasn’t tense. It was just plain old fun! My record for Rays games attended was now 1-3. It was my second David Price start. He is now 1-1 in games I’ve attended hehe..

When we got back to the hotel, everyone hung out for a bit while I fed and relieved Jayden. After they left I hung out on Twitter a bit, did a good foam roll session, called B, listened to my book and fell into a blessed sleep. I hope my next Opening Day is well rested!

(The Rays lost today’s game.)

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Now I definitely know I don’t want to be drunk and blind

Not that there has been any doubt. When I got out of the hospital after going blind my uncle asked If I wanted to drink and I said, “then I’d be blind AND falling on my ass.”

It’s pretty scary when you have a hard time walking under your own power and you kind of rely on your legs and stuff to help you negotiate the world around you that you can’t see because when you can’t see the horizon you need the rest of you to tell you which way is up and when you’re drunk, this doesn’t work too well.

Wait wait wait, back up, drunk? What?

Yeah no, not drunk on alcohol, drunk on the remnants of anesthesia. Rejoice! The teeth finally came out! The poisonous teeth and even though it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since they were cracked and pried from my skull, I already feel better. Yes yes yes yes yes! Surgeon’s office called Thursday with the insurance approval and I got the first available appointment yesterday. yes!!!

Ok, deep breath. Really did just take one. I’ve been awake since 2:30am because I got too much sleep yesterday and that kills my “non-military regimented sleep schedule”. First I had the nap thanks to a needle in my arm and then I had a nap on my bed at home later while my body adjusted to the vicodin it had never experienced plus the half a cup of coffee I nursed in bed that wasn’t enough to keep me awake. I couldn’t even have water before the surgery. I had to wake up without coffee. Any time B asked me the night before if I was nervous I just said only about waking up without coffee.

The no water was actually harder though. My throat was so dry and I felt like there was a lump there. I gargled when I brushed my teeth and I was allowed a sip to take morning meds but I’m used to twenty ounces of water in the mornings so I was parched like fall foliage.

B and I got to the surgeon’s office ten minutes before my 10:45am appointment. It was nearing 11am when I said to B they probably schedule you for 10:45am so you won’t be late for your 11am appointment and then I had an internal rant about how we punctual people are being punished thanks to the chronically late. It was then that I noticed I was getting anxious. I was ready to get this over with, I had survived the no coffee and now it was time to face the fact that they’d be knocking me out and crunching five teeth out of my head. Ok to be fair they probably only had to crunch two out, the two impacted wisdom teeth. The top wisdom tooth was just a leftover root of the tooth that broke while I ate Lucky Charms years ago before i had dental insurance and the other two were the bottom front teeth that I ruined with a steal tongue ring all those years ago when I didn’t listen to my dental hygienist friend and replace the balls with acrylic. Those teeth have been loose for years so they probably popped out no problem. So I’m sure there was only crunching on two teeth but man my neck and shoulders feel it today. What did they do to me while I was asleep? I had the idea to start a voice note on my phone in my pocket but I felt too much like an NSA spy so I didn’t do it. I mean what if the surgeon and his assistants discussed deep life issues?

They had told me at the consult that the anesthesia would be just like when I had the colonoscopy so I was expecting to come out of it asking questions, not with the remnants of my dream about manipulating gravity.

When they were hooking me up to the hard monitor and such, the pitch of the beep beep beep kept changing when I moved. At one point they all left the room so I started playing with the beeping, slowing down and holding my breath so the beeping got slow and then taking a quick deep breath to speed up the beeping. I’m weird, but it distracted me from the fact that I had left Jayden in the lobby with B and this patient who had been seriously interested in him. (Jayden, not B.)

The main assistant was the woman who did the brunt of my consultation and I remembered her telling me she’d be there the day of surgery. She told me her name was Leah but said I probably wouldn’t remember but I said I would because my friend Amanda has a guide dog named Leah and Leah the woman asked if Leah the dog was a good dog and I said yes.

So I kept waiting for Leah yesterday and she finally got there and I got happy and she rubbed my shoulders. Everyone there was so personable and they made the experience less than scary, just like the people at the colonoscopy. Medical professionals are awesome. I should know, I used to be one. I made them all laugh when I heard a woman say, “heart rate is…” she trailed off and I said, “elevated”. I was nervous haha.

So Leah asked if anything had changed since I was there and I said no and she asked when I was there and when I told her she said, “Oh, the day before I found out I was pregnant!” So we had a squealy girlie moment and she empathized with the no coffee since she can’t drink coffee now either. “At least you get to have some when you get home,” she joked.

Then the surgeon was there and he started my IV and I told Leah to make sure nothing fell down my throat and she said they’d put in a throat cup and then I was waking up from my dream about manipulating gravity. And freezing. I was shivering so hard and it’s a good thing my mouth was full of gauze. I tried to talk. Ha!

The rest was a whirlwind. They brought B and Jayden in and were giving B instructions because obviously I was way too out of it. I was still thinking about gravity and wondering why I couldn’t talk and was that my lip? Holy crap that’s my lip! Is there a baseball where my chin should be?

They got me to a wheelchair and Jayden gave me a once over and they were wheeling me out and to B’s car and Leah and B helped me to the car and Jayden got in and I looked at Leah and muttered through gauze,” ngats ong te aby.” and I gestured at my stomach. Leah was awesome! I think I might send the office a card or something.

I barely remember the drive home. I tried to take a picture of myself but the camera wouldn’t work. It was probably drunk user error.

B and Jayden helped me in the house and then we took Jay out to pee and then I collapsed on the couch and I told B I wouldn’t move until he got back from getting my prescriptions and some mac and cheese. But pain started setting in right after he left so I got up to look for the codeine I still had from the dentist but I couldn’t find it so I took two Tylenol. That could have been bad because the vicodin the surgeon gave me has Tylenol in it. I did my drug research this morning now that I’m coherant. It was fine though. I was still cold so I changed into warm house clothes and climbed into bed, using Gamma’s cane to get around and when B got home he brought everything into the bedroom. I took a Vicodin and we discussed that I also had prescription Advil and I was to alternate the two every two hours. This has held the pain no problem and even when I slept last night, I magically awoke when it was time for the next dose. I’ve hardly felt any pain at all, thank God! I also noticed last night that the pressure in my lower jaw is gone and the vertigo is already subsiding! Those teeth were poison! I swear, medical and dental needs to be covered by the same money. Even flossing was easier without those two wisdom teeth pushing everything together.

I settled into bed and Jayden sat right by the bed even though his bed was right there in the corner. He wouldn’t leave my side. So I pulled is bed right next to me and he curled up. Such a protective boy!

I had started coffee right when we got home and had a cup by the bed that literally took me hours to drink. I got hungry and got up and as I walked out of the room B said, “whatcha doin, you ok?” Such a protective boy!

Eating hard boiled eggs with a partially numb mouth was a bad idea. It was hard to tell what was egg white and what was cheek. I had two cups of apple sauce after that (apple sauce is crack on a sore mouth yum) and when I put my book on it wasn’t long before I turned it off and went to sleep. B woke me at 4:30 since he was going to get some dinner and I was like oh it’s time to feed Jayden! So I got Jayden fed and relieved and then got back into bed. I dictated some tweets and then ate a big thing of Stouffer’s mac and cheese and listened to my book and took my meds every two hours and went to sleep at 10:30 and then magically woke up at 12:30 for my next dose and then again at 2:30 for my next dose but then I couldn’t sleep again so I finally got up at 4 am and I’ve been up ever since. I just checked and it’s 10:18am. I think I’ll get back into bed soon.

Jayden was adorable when I got out of bed at 4am to get some caffeine since a caffeine headache was breaking through the meds. Jayden got up on the couch and methodically sniffed my jawbone. He knows it hurts in there. I swear to God it was like he was making sure I was ok! Either that or it just smelled different and interesting.

When B got up and was heading to work I asked him something, I can’t remember what, and he needed me to repeat it since I now sound funny. You know the beaver from Lady and the tramp? I sound like that now. Ok maybe not quite to that extreme. 😉

It’s time for Jayden to pee and split a banana with me and then I think I’ll retire to listen to the book and the character who manipulates gravity.

Speaking of gravity”

Random Coolness

Tucson is Epicenter of Meteorite Strike

That explains the boom I heard last night that rattled the bedroom window. I didn’t say anything to B because I thought it was just the drugs talking. When he cane in later and read the story of the mysterious boom on his phone I sat up in bed and exclaimed, “that’s what that was!?” B was bummed he hadn’t heard it.

Oh PS – Yesterday was Mom’s birthday! I used to drink a daiquiri or five on her birthday, then when I got sober I switched to some kind of food she would have liked but yesterday there was no eating Greek food or blackened chicken but she did used to like Stouffer’s mac and cheese! I also found out on Twitter today that she shared a birthday with Michael Dorn a.k.a Worf.

PPS – Georgie called as I was previewing this post. She had seen my posts on Facebook and was calling to check on me so we traded wisdom teeth stories. I wish I had asked her if she heard the boom last night. When we hung up my jaw ached. It is hard to talk without those lower teeth. I have to work harder to get the words out. Fun!

PPPS – How are all my run-on sentences? That’s how I think when I’m sleep deprived. Or maybe all the time. Is it time for my next dose? Not yet.

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From the Desk of my Sleep Deprived Cat Audio

So every time I write a sleep deprived post, which is a really odd tradition to have but I seem to have made it a tradition because as soon as I decided to say screw it and get up at 5:30 this morning after laying awake since at least 4:00 I thought, I’ll need to write a post. I also always seem to write really rambly run on sentences in these. I planned on starting this post another way but then a described movie started in iTunes even though I swear I set them all to skip when shuffle so I had to go do that in iTunes. It was The Glenn Miller Story, have you seen that?

Right, so I meant to start off this post by saying I always look back on the previous sleep deprived post when I write one of these. In the last one, I wrote about how I had to have a colonoscopy because of my recurring diverticulitis and I was all doom and gloom about it, being pretty sure there’d be nothing they could do about it, that they were just ruling out something more serious, my life was already messed up so throw more at me oh woe is me cry me a river pour me another. Well guess what? Yeah, gastro doc said, “everything looks fine, you only have a small area of diverticula, keep taking the fiber and probiotics and you should be fine.”

Hmmm, will it really be that simple? Well that was back in April, the bum hose and I’ve been taking the supplements as suggested since and I’ve been fine. I even found the probiotics he recommended on Amazon for way cheaper than they were at Walgreens. I signed up to have them delivered every month and saved even more. So all my woe is me talk was just silly.

So this morning I was laying on the couch for a bit with Timmy and he was purring like crazy so I decided to grab a quick voice note.

In that I mention that his front paws are declawed and I say I don’t believe in that. I just want to clarify what I meant. I just can’t knowingly cut off a cat’s first knuckle. My mom and I always trained our cats not to claw the furniture. I’ve lost that battle in this apartment since B never trained Fi not to claw furniture so there was no point in trying to train Spinelli. So yeah, that’s what I meant by not believing in declawing. When I listened back on that I thought that was an odd choice of wording haha.

At one point I jingle Timmy’s bell collar and it made me think of Carin and Steve. Bells!

Timmy totally sounds like a pidgin at one point. I’m not sure if it’s really as funny as I thought or if I’m just delirious from sleep deprivation.

I totally couldn’t stop the recording at the end. the ol’ two finger double tap no longer works in iOS 7.0.3 I guess.

So how bout that for some sleep deprived fun with cats? First time I’ve put audio in one of these I think. I haven’t slept well the last few nights. Nature calls and wakes me up and I can’t get back to sleep for awhile. This morning I just gave up. I realized after I’d already had coffee that I forgot to use my meditation bells. Gah! Reading that last post, I sure remembered them then! Grrr. Just hope I sleep tonight.
I wrote this post much later in the day than normal for this category. It’s 1:33pm, do you know where your feet are?

I write the word “so” too much.

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From the Desk of My Somewhat Sleep Deprived Mind

I’m going to make a sleep deprived label I’ve decided. Yep, it’s that time again so I went and did a search for my sleep deprived posts and they’re getting up there. Best to have a label, yeah? It’s currently 6:04am as I begin this post. I’ve been up for awhile and I should have seen this coming. The other morning I realized I was awake and after some time, finally checked the time. Time. Let’s write it again. Time. It was 2:30. Whoa baby! How bout no? I lay there thinking I needed to put the meditation bells on. I have this app called AmbiSci 300 and it’s got all sorts of ambient sounds. The meditation bells are perfect for lulling me back to sleep. I just stick my phone under my pillow. It takes some time but it works.

That time I fought to get back to sleep because I was fighting an infection and knew I needed my rest. This time, damn that was only a few days ago I think, I just gave up. Did that make sense? No. But do these posts ever make sense? I decided when I checked the time and it was 4am, that that was late enough to just get up and make coffee since it was pretty obvious it was time for another sleep deprived day. I usually sleep really well though I had to laugh when I read the last sleep deprived post that my doctor had asked how I was sleeping and I told her fine only to not sleep that night.

Speaking of the doctor, I love her but I’m seeing her too much lately. Did I see her last Monday? I think so yeah. I told her it was much nicer to run into her at Joe’s Crab Shack than to be constantly seeing her at the office. I’m just falling apart, ya’ll!

I have a meet and greet with my new gastro doc in April. Yep, a gastro doc. I get to have a hose in me bum. What? A colonoscopy. Weeeeeee! I had more diverticulitis even though I’m doing absolutely everything I’m supposed to in order to prevent it. Nothing with seeds. No nuts. No tomatoes unless diced. I’m even avoiding lettuce after reading that it’s difficult to digest. I take a fiber supplement. I exercise regularly. Still I got the pain. That’s just not normal, doc says. I was expecting her to say I had to have the bum hose when I got that last attack. Now It’s just the damn waiting. Hurry up and wait. It’s not even like there’s probably anything that can be done anyway. They’ll just go in and make sure nothing more serious is going on and then that’s it. Maybe I’m being too cynical but at this point in my life, after living sick for so many years I’m just like whatever dude, throw more at me. Might as well. My life is already incredibly limited and messed up, why not give me more? Bring it! Hey, maybe I’m given all the stuff that others wouldn’t be able to handle so they don’t have to handle it. Not that I believe that any of us are given anything on purpose, but sometimes it’s nice when I’m giving myself a pep talk out of depression to think that maybe I’m preventing someone else from going through what I go through even though I know that’s not true. It’s not like I went blind so you wouldn’t have to and it’s not like I have MS so you don’t have to and it’s not like I have to get a bum hose so you don’t have to because guess what? Even if you’re the healthiest person alive, you’ll still have to get a bum hose one day if you stay on top of your screenings bwah ha ha ha!

My cat, Timmy, is snoring on the couch next to me and Jayden is on the floor at my feet which is odd because usually he’s on the couch with me. All the animals are like, what are you doing up? And Jayden is probably like, when the coffee is on, I’m usually not hungry and my bladder is usually relieved so wtf? Yes, my dog thinks wtf ok?

So if the narrator you’ve always thought should narrate your memoir says you should write your memoir when you tell her that you want her to narrate it but then you’d have to write it, you have to write it, right? I also got to thinking, now that my blog is hosted, if I die, it’ll go away. That’s a terrible thought. If I die, will someone figure out where I’m hosted and pay it? Hahaha! So then I thought back to Lorelei King tweeting me to “do it, baby!” and I was like, well at least that would be a legacy but then who am I to leave a legacy? I’m no one. If I wrote my memoir, would you read it? People have told me from the beginning of my blindness that I needed to write my story. However what voice has stuck with me? The negative one. I need to shut that voice up. Maybe if I wrote a memoir I could be somewhat self supporting because damn, relying on something other than myself for income really sucks. Then again, authors are going broke since people only want to pay ninety-nine cents for a book on their stupid electronic devices so really, can anyone make money selling books anymore unless they’re Stephen King?

Alrighty then I think that’s about all I have. I think I’ll publish this thing and then go add a sleep deprivation label of some sort. It’s 6:25am, do you know where your teeth are?

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From the Desk of My Sleep Deprived and Hopeful Mind

I suppose it’s time for another sleep deprived stream of conscious post. And now I have to Google “stream of conscious”, because I can never remember if that’s correct. See it’s a good thing I turned to Google since it’s actually “stream of consciousness”. I think I knew that deep down but then I thought well conscious works too. I mean I’m conscious. I’m sleep deprived but I’m awake.

I woke up at around 2:30am. Mafia Guy Bladder woke me up and I checked the time because my body felt awake. You know those times? When you wake up and your body feels awake so you’re like oh it must be time to get up soon but you check the time and it’s only 2:30am? I could tell I wouldn’t get back to sleep. YOu just know. I gave it the old college try though. Lay there for an hour and then just wanted coffee.

What’s with the saying, “gave it the old college try”? Don’t we use that when we fail at something? Yeah I gave it the old college try but it just wasn’t meant to be. So are we referencing failing college?

The Rays gave it the college try but it wasn’t meant to be. They won last night but were eliminated when the A’s beat the Rangers. I don’t feel like talking about that.

I went to the doctor yesterday and had an anxiety attack. Yes! Yes? Yeah, I was happy about it. You know when your car is making a funny noise and you take it to the mechanic and it stops making the noise? I didn’t want that to happen. I mean I know my doc and she would believe me when I told her about the anxiety and depression but I’m just glad she got to see it. I had scheduled my appointment for 1:10, her first appointment after lunch. Paratransit got me there about 12:50 and they had to unlock the door to let me in. Receptionist said they’d call me up in a bit to check me in when it was time so I used the restroom, came out and sat down. I heard another paratransit and then I heard a white cane and a woman checking in. A slight pang of fear went through me, wondering if they signed her in ahead of me but I thought they knew that duh, I was there, right? Wrong. They called her back first even though I heard her say her appointment was at 1:20. Normally this kind of thing wouldn’t bother me. I know it’s usually a wait at the doc but at mine it’s never that bad. The problem is that taking paratransit means you’re always watching the clock. I thought I scheduled it fine, just like I always do. My return window began at 2:10, an hour after my scheduled appointment. It would have been fine, if it hadn’t been (for those meddling kids) a Monday first of all and then I later found out that they were implementing a new computer system as well.

By 1:30 I hadn’t been called back yet and I felt the anxiety well up. I gave myself a pep talk. If I miss my ride, it’s fine. It’s not going to harm me. I might wait awhile but it’s going to be fine. Stop panicking. Stop it. Oh crap there’s the tears. Well, at least she’ll see what I’ve been going through. When they took me back to do vitals the M.A. tried to help calm me down. I did a little and she said I’d be done by 2:10, the doctor was just finishing up and she’d be right with me. I sat in the room and time ticked by and I started dreaming of grabbing stuff and throwing it. When the doctor came in and saw me she said my dog looked worried. Not, oh hey what’s wrong, why are you crying. Your dog looks worried. My doctor is brilliant. Get me talking about my dog. Calm me down. I love that woman. She assured me I’d be done in time and we were just wrapping up when the driver got there. When you hope the driver will be late, they never are.

Long story short she checked my heart, it sounded fine, she ran through questions and I’m starting Lexapro. I couldn’t get it yesterday. Insurance problems. But of course, right? It’ll be a low dose. I’ve been on it before; it’s what they gave me when I went blind to help me ease into the adjustment. I probably should have just stayed on it. Oh well, lesson learned. I was also cleared to exercise again so yay! There is hope. I feel hope.

I do have to laugh though. She asked me if I’m sleeping. Oh yeah! I sleep great! It’s 4:40am as I write this and I’ve been awake for two hours haha!

I’m going to take a break from this for a minute. I’m hoping to record some blabbering later since I got a new mic so I don’t want to just write everything that’s on my mind and have nothing left to blabber about.

Well that wasn’t much of a break since Twitter is kinda slow. Speaking of Twitter, I has a funny. I’m going to include this in the audio too but this is just too good. Yesterday on the way to the doctor I was on the paratransit and wanted to send a tweet so I started typing in Fleksy listening with my Bluetooth headset. Unfortunately Voiceover just isn’t very loud on the Bluetooth and the paratransit van was noisy so I didn’t really hear Fleksy correctly. I tweeted the following:

@Raynaadi – I’m getting notion sink on this transport wide. #vomit

I didn’t know this until I got home and checked my mentions and Steve asked if I meant to tweet that or if it was an autocorrect fail. I thought with Fleksy you couldn’t have autocorrect fails but apparently that only works if you can really hear Voiceover well. Lesson learned, next time I’ll turn spell mode on when surroundings are loud. It sure made for a great belly laugh though when I really really needed a good belly laugh. I favorited the tweet for future laughs. I’ll definitely include it in the audio though since it’s funny to hear Voiceover say it.

It’s 4:54. I think I’ll edit and see what we’ve got.

I heard a Twitter mention and a DM. Wow both! I also have that Call Me Maybe song in my head. I started thinking about the Rays rookies dance number and now that song is in my head. *Shakes fist* damn you James Shields! I’ll get you! And your little meddling kids too! Or dog. Kids? Dog. Ding don the witch is dead! Another mention, shiny! Ok, that’s a wrap. A 30. It’s 5:16am. Do you know where your slippers are?

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From the Desk of My Depressed and Semi-sleep Deprived Mind

Disclaimer: This is not a happy post. I’m just putting this hear before I post this as a warning in case you’re unstable around politics like I am.

***

I’m not sure if I’ll title this post From the Desk of My Sleep Deprived Mind part three or not since I didn’t wake up at like 1:30am or anything. I did however, wake up at 4:00am, I just didn’t get out of bed until 6:00am. Do you ever do that? Wake up at an ungodly hour and lay there thinking, “if I fall asleep again now, I’ll get another three hours. Ok, so now if I fall asleep again I’ll get like two and a half hours, oh now it’s just kinda pointless, oh but I’m comfy, hey the air conditioning kicked in if I’m gonna sleep it’s now or never to that air, quick, snuggle up. Oh the air is off again. Now I’m thinking about all my fears again do I really want to do this? I could make coffee and read Twitter. But if I fall asleep now I’ll get another two hours, everyone is gonna die before me and I’ll be alone! Alone! Alone! Oh screw it just get up.” Or is that just me?

Yeah…I’m in a lot of fear in my life. I do morning writing upon awakening every day so this morning I chatted with myself about that fear a little bit. I’m not gonna write that all in public cuz that’s a rather private conversation between God and me but basically I’m having a hard time trusting that I’ll be ok. It really did hit me while trying to get back to sleep that everyone in my life is older than me. I have this horrible fear that I’m going to be left completely alone, with no one. No one! Do you know how scary that is?

I know a lot of this is coming from the change in the family dynamic since Gamma had to go to the home. The family sold her house recently and I don’t think I’m ok with that. That house was the last place we all were before everyone started dying. Now there’s no house where we all were. That’s just sad. I’m so glad that I didn’t know the last time I was at her house was the last time. I left there our last Sunday together oblivious and happy and then….

I haven’t been the same since. And the politics don’t help. That stuff is everywhere when you’re on social networking. I can filter a lot using my Twitter client called YoruFukurou but a lot still slips through. It’s like when I stopped listening to talk radio because even though I listened to the shows I related to they still played sound bites of the other side. I still had to hear it. And even the side I relate to and agree with more or less drives me crazy. It’s all crazy. But the side I don’t lean towards? They hate women! And I’m a disabled woman! Even worse! I’m a drain on my country! I’m worthless! I need help and I can’t support myself! Do you know how hard it is to hear that other side that I don’t lean towards? Why am I being evasive? Maybe I just don’t even want those words on my blog. I’ll just say if we don’t elect the same President I’m really just gonna lose it. You will have to lock me up. I’m gonna freak out. I am so terrified and that other party is a big, no huge, no gigantic part of that. Do you hear me? That side? Look at what you’re doing to the people you want to govern! Look at me! Up until like a month or two ago I was one of the most well adjusted people I knew and now I’m close to a shell of a freaking human because I’m not a rich old white guy who can support myself and who’s healthy. I have parts that side wants to assign laws to. Heart, calm down, I’m sorry, calm down heart. I’m a sick woman. Yes, I am being melodramatic, but this is how this all makes me feel and I can’t get away from it because even though I don’t follow the people who believe that stuff they still tweet it! Ok I’m gonna cry I need to stop talking about this.

It’s all worsening my depression to the nth degree. Old time readers here know how I feel about that word, depression. You know if I use it, it’s getting kinda nasty for me.

I’m not one to throw around the word depression or depressed lightly unless I’m really in a depression. When I feel it coming on I fight it, I try and keep it down, I try and soul search and inventory and fix it. Sometimes it goes away quickly so for me, that was just a case of the blues. When it hangs around for weeks and then a month and then more than a month and I find myself crying easily, it’s a depression full blown and I hate to admit it but then I admit it and it starts to lift.

Share your pain with another and cut it in half. Share it again and cut it again. Slowly, ever so slowly, it begins to help. I’m reaching into my memory vault and trying to remember the things I learned in therapy while adjusting to blindness. I officially was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder which just makes me laugh. Adjustment disorder. Alrighty then. So do “normal” people just adjust in a day to life altering changes? I think names just have to be assigned to things. I just don’t like the word disorder. I think I’ve blogged about this before.

Anyway wow, so how did all that come out? This is what happens when I’m sleep deprived. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe it’s my version of a loose tongue with the drink since I don’t drink. Sometimes when I vomit out a word post I wonder if I’ll actually put it up on the blog but I always do. It’s partly that sharing to cut the pain in half thing but also because every time I post this kind of stuff someone always thanks me for sharing. The best way to get out of oneself is to help another.

Ok, so it’s 7:06 now. I only started writing because I caught up on Twitter and didn’t know what else to do. I need to refill my coffee but that will require moving. I wonder what I’ve written? I love the stream of conscious writing. That’s what my morning writing is like. I have over a year’s worth of daily writing. It’s never this much though. I think maybe because I do it first thing, before I’ve really woken up and had time to put thoughts in my head.

I wish this was more of a funny post like the other two sleep deprived posts. I was a lot more sleep deprived in those posts though, so maybe this is the equivalent to only like three beers and those other two were more like eight to ten beers. Yes, I am comparing my lack of sleep to beers. When I don’t sleep enough I do feel inebriated. How bout some coffee and reading back on this to see what I’ve got.

Wow, that was intense. I ended up vomiting out that political stuff while I went and read through. I think that’s been stuff I wanted to spew for awhile. Please, if you comment, please don’t try and change my mind on the politics. Please don’t. I’m not talking lightly about how badly the politics is affecting me, so please don’t. I don’t want a debate in the comments, that’s not why I’m writing all this. If you disagree with me, just move on. I don’t think my readers are the type to troll the comments like on big sites but for my peace of mind I had to throw that in there.

I know deep down that this too shall pass. I haven’t been well and that’s a big part of the depression. The only time I see people is when I go to the gym and I haven’t been well enough to go for awhile. Jayden is fantastic company but he can’t talk to me and he can’t hold me. I know this is a rough patch and things will get better, but I’m just not sure better is enough anymore.

Was about to publish when I thought maybe I got all this out now since I’m planning on getting some audio later and it would have sucked to cry in that. See? Silver lining still there.

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From the Desk of My Sleep Deprived Mind – Again

Luckily it’s been nearly two months since I last wrote you from this desk. Carol said the last time was really funny. I somehow doubt I’ll manage to be as or more funny since I mentioned it and now the thought at topping myself is in my head. Bullocks.

Last time I had an hour and a half I think to go on, this time, a big ol’ wopping zero in the sleep department! Weeeeeeee! Don’t you love that commercial? I thought it was so annoying when it first came out but now I go weeeee weeeeeeee weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! right along with it.

Huh? I don’t know.

Right before I decided to splatter a text document with my crazy thoughts I got spammed on Twitter. We members of the Twitter spam army like to retweet, ok computer now you can auto correct that word and I’ll go change it from retreat. Hahaha after I gave the computer permission to correct the word to retreat, I went and checked and it had corrected to “rewet”. What? Um. Really? Well then. Let me just go open a website. No just kidding.

Where was I? Oh yeah. So I got this spam right before I decided to vomit into text edit and it read, with my comment added in the RT:

@Raynaadi Bloody fascinating! RT @{Like I’d leave the username here} @Raynaadi With these help it’s actually so simple to become moving to another internet swarm http://{First rule of spam army, always remove the link}

Don’t you love when someone who speaks a foreign language uses Google translate to spam you? I wonder if some of the tweets the Americans translate into Spanish for the baseball players sound funny.

@{Spanish speaking baseball player} Thought I you pretty game on the beach with the bases. Go #Rays!

Craptastically dumb me, why didn’t I check the time when I started writing this? Ok it’s 4:12am now and I wrote that and chatted with Erik a bit click clack goes the calculator buttons in my head and I’m guessing I started this at 4:06am. That’s what I’m calling it. Calling a time, oh my, that sounds like T.O.D. Look out!

I pause to drink coffee I just brewed after deciding I wouldn’t be going back to bed any time soon. I’ve only had a few sips so no blaming the caffeine for my weirdness ok? Deal? Ok.

Just chatted with Erik quite a bit. He’s moving to Baltimore for his swanky new job. Orioles/Rays anyone? Yeah that’s what I’m talking bout bra. Yes, I called you bra. That’s what all the cool guys say. Except they aren’t cool. And I’m not a guy. I wear a bra because I’m a girl and I’m not talking about wearing guys who’s friends are calling them bra.

Haha I just read the last sleep deprived post. At the end I think I might organize my documents. That didn’t happen. I did that last week haha! It also mentions looking at the stat counter to see if the post would yield any good search results. I haven’t checked that either. I’m not going to o that now. Maybe later. So, next sleep deprived Ro, when you read this, did I check the counter?

I also mentioned the Twitter conversation about sparkling vampires with a stranger and how we hadn’t followed each other. We did start following each other and I chatted with her briefly this morning. You just have to love Twitter. I know I do. Where else can you tweet about baseball and coffee and sparkling vampires and flybys and SEO and gold bikinis and the word horngry? Oh and purple.

In the other post I looked at word count. I should check this one. Drum roll? 673 it says. We’re not even close to the last post. Great. Now I need to think of more slush to write. Maybe I’ll proof read and see if I care to edit.

Went through and drank coffee and talked to Erik and checked Twitter. When I first got up at like 1:45 no one was up but my friend Aaron was up so we chatted and I checked some things on his site and then the east coast started waking up and people started tweeting and Erik got online so I’ve been entertained. I was just about to start reading cracked.com when people started showing up to talk to. Then I decided to upchuck all over my blog.

Jayden got up as soon as I came out. Well not as soon as, but he came out when he heard the keyboard. It’s the Pavlovian keyboard. It means mom is on the couch.

I wonder if I didn’t sleep because I was too lazy this week. I probably shouldn’t try and understand why I didn’t sleep. It happens.

It’s now 5:47am. The east coasters and Canada have started to wake up so there’s been more chatting on Twitter. I almost forgot to mention here that pain isn’t what kept me up. It was in the last insomnia post, but not now. The med I’m on is really doing the trick as far as pain is concerned.

I saw my doc on Saturday night. At Joe’s Crab Shack. She stopped by the table to say hi. I had to restrain myself from asking if she’ll mail a lab sheet since she wants to check my thyroid again in three months. Something tells me she doesn’t want to talk shop while she’s about to feast on crabs. I wanted to know what she was going to eat. I’m weird.

I wonder if I’ll nap at all today. I didn’t last time I couldn’t sleep. I remember trying, but no go. It might be different today since I haven’t slept at all since before the alarm went off at 7:30am yesterday.

Ok, we’re up to 1,048 words now. Before this sentence that is. I think we’re about done, don’t you? It’s 5:57am. Do you know where your dentures are?

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From the Desk of My Sleep Deprived Mind

This is the first time my insomnia has been so bad that I’ve decided to just give in to it and get up. Usually I just lay in bed, listening to the swirling thoughts in my head as the pain in my body competes with my thoughts until I finally drift away. Not this morning though.

I think I’m going on about two hours of sleep. I flipped over at one point, exposing my unplugged ear and B’s music woke me up. He needs music to sleep and it’s been getting louder and louder at night. I finally checked the time after tossing and it was 1:30. I decided to try and get up for a bit. Didn’t the insomnia articles used to suggest getting out of bed? Isn’t that supposed to help?

I often read tweets in the mornings from people who can’t sleep so I thought I’d give it a go. After thirty minutes I tried to sleep again. It was deliciously warm in bed. We’re under a freeze warning so I threw a huge crochet blanket on the bed for added warmth. Unfortunately the monkeys in my brain still would not shut up and eventually the pain reached critical mass and all I could think about was coffee.

I still fought getting out of bed, being about to rise and then thinking against it. My mind would wander some more, like thinking about how the wireless didn’t work yesterday when the weather was rolling in and how Carol fixed it by suggesting I power everything down so it could all come back up together. I imagined the modem and the router being lost in the mist like in Gone with the Wind and they couldn’t find each other.

“Mr. Router? where are you? Mr. Router!”

“Ms. Modem, over here, can you hear me?”

“I hear you, oh Mr. router I hear you but I can’t find you! We can’t go on like this!”

“I know, Ms. Modem, we just have to pray they power us down and back up and finally clear away this mist…”

Yeah, the thoughts in a sleep deprived brain.

What else let around my cranium that is fit for public consumption? Naturally now I can’t remember. There was some really good and creative stuff, too. Oh well.

I finally got up just after 3am after trying to sleep for an hour. The first time I got up, Jayden didn’t budge. I had moved his bed away from the wall so he’d be warmer and he was curled up as close to my bed as he could get. The final time I got up however, He was like, “yeaaaaaaaah! Food! Food! Food!”

Oh honey, no. I’m so sorry but no. Notice it’s dark out? Most times if I wake up earlier than normal, I’ll feed him like always, first thing. But this wasn’t waking up early, this was like why bother having slept in the first place?

It’s now 3:55am. I read Twitter again after getting up for the second time, after making coffee. There were maybe five tweets. One thing I noticed is that both times I tweeted, I instantly got spammed. Do the spammers think sleep people and/or drunks will more easily fall for spam links? I’m sorry, but if you click on spam in Twitter, you deserve your virus.

I did my morning writing. I didn’t do my morning writing yesterday because the broken internet consumed me. Is that why I couldn’t sleep? I process so much in my morning writing. I bet it’s a combination of that and life stuff.

I think the last time I was awake at this hour was when I stayed at the Diner until they opened again after the old Friday night. That was good times. Or when I stayed up all night at the young people’s conference in northern Cali. But those were fun times being awake at this time. Not exhausted and freezing times.

I just had, “no woman, no crime” in my head. Is that how it goes? No woman no crime, no woman no crime! Is that it? Oh lack of sleep delirium, you’re actually somewhat fun now that I’ve had some coffee.

I wonder if this post will yield any good search results. I used to get the funniest search queries back when I wrote a lot about random things.

I had a funny thought when I refilled coffee but it’s gone. I’m conversing with a stranger on Twitter about sparkling vampires. That’s one of the best things about Twitter. Someone I followed retweeted someone who said they had never seen any of the Twilight movies and were proud of it, or something. The person I follow wrote, “double ditto”. So I retweeted and wrote, “triple ditto?” Then the stranger and I continued chatting about Twilight and I had to convince her, him? Not sure, that I’ve never seen the movies because I mentioned the sparkling bit and then we launched in to more possible plot points that probably are not in the plot at all. We haven’t even begun following each other. Sometimes you end up following strangers like this, sometimes you converse briefly and then poof! They’re gone like Keyser Soze.

Do you ever write a name like Keyser Soze and then go Google the spelling? Good thing I did. I had Keyser as Kaiser. One of the spellings had some funny sounding character in Soze though.

How many words have I written in my sleep deprived stupor? Let’s ask my online word count tool since Text Edit doesn’t have a word counter. Oh my! 978 words? Oh dear. Well, if you’ve stuck with me this long, kudos. This is as long as my short stories. Too bad I can’t seem to write fiction lately. That would have been nice to do during these wee morning hours. Instead I’ve written what? Something to bait the searchers? Time will tell. Yes.

Ok, I’ll edit and post and then get back to cleaning up labels on the blog I started last night and then maybe start the daunting task of organizing my documents folder. Good times! Who needs sleep?

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