Category Archives: mental health

Hanging with Ro Episode Thirteen – Sleep Mic New Deprived

This is long, an hour or so. I am very sleep deprived so that made for some really rambling and silly audio. You can feel free to save it to listen to instead of the Presidential debates tomorrow night.

The audio starts a little iffy with some clipping but I made an adjustment and after that it sounds pretty good. Yay for a new mic!

Topics include but are not limited to:

* The @MuggleHustle Twitter account

* Jim Gaffigan and Hot Pockets

* Coffee and murdering a coffee maker

* Baseball

* Find out if I’m a Scientologist

*Too much Twitter, sorry

* Quick Fleksy settings/dictionary demo

* Should we have a Hanging with Ro music game?

There’s more but my brain is about to shut down from lack of sleep. Go listen if you want to know what else, k? K.

Hanging with Ro Episode Thirteen

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Filed under baseball, coffeeholic, cool product, demo, hanging with ro, iPhone, Jayden, mental health, mom, music, politics, quirky words, rambles, random stuff, screen reader, silly girl, Timmy, treat for me, twitter me this

From the Desk of My Sleep Deprived and Hopeful Mind

I suppose it’s time for another sleep deprived stream of conscious post. And now I have to Google “stream of conscious”, because I can never remember if that’s correct. See it’s a good thing I turned to Google since it’s actually “stream of consciousness”. I think I knew that deep down but then I thought well conscious works too. I mean I’m conscious. I’m sleep deprived but I’m awake.

I woke up at around 2:30am. Mafia Guy Bladder woke me up and I checked the time because my body felt awake. You know those times? When you wake up and your body feels awake so you’re like oh it must be time to get up soon but you check the time and it’s only 2:30am? I could tell I wouldn’t get back to sleep. YOu just know. I gave it the old college try though. Lay there for an hour and then just wanted coffee.

What’s with the saying, “gave it the old college try”? Don’t we use that when we fail at something? Yeah I gave it the old college try but it just wasn’t meant to be. So are we referencing failing college?

The Rays gave it the college try but it wasn’t meant to be. They won last night but were eliminated when the A’s beat the Rangers. I don’t feel like talking about that.

I went to the doctor yesterday and had an anxiety attack. Yes! Yes? Yeah, I was happy about it. You know when your car is making a funny noise and you take it to the mechanic and it stops making the noise? I didn’t want that to happen. I mean I know my doc and she would believe me when I told her about the anxiety and depression but I’m just glad she got to see it. I had scheduled my appointment for 1:10, her first appointment after lunch. Paratransit got me there about 12:50 and they had to unlock the door to let me in. Receptionist said they’d call me up in a bit to check me in when it was time so I used the restroom, came out and sat down. I heard another paratransit and then I heard a white cane and a woman checking in. A slight pang of fear went through me, wondering if they signed her in ahead of me but I thought they knew that duh, I was there, right? Wrong. They called her back first even though I heard her say her appointment was at 1:20. Normally this kind of thing wouldn’t bother me. I know it’s usually a wait at the doc but at mine it’s never that bad. The problem is that taking paratransit means you’re always watching the clock. I thought I scheduled it fine, just like I always do. My return window began at 2:10, an hour after my scheduled appointment. It would have been fine, if it hadn’t been (for those meddling kids) a Monday first of all and then I later found out that they were implementing a new computer system as well.

By 1:30 I hadn’t been called back yet and I felt the anxiety well up. I gave myself a pep talk. If I miss my ride, it’s fine. It’s not going to harm me. I might wait awhile but it’s going to be fine. Stop panicking. Stop it. Oh crap there’s the tears. Well, at least she’ll see what I’ve been going through. When they took me back to do vitals the M.A. tried to help calm me down. I did a little and she said I’d be done by 2:10, the doctor was just finishing up and she’d be right with me. I sat in the room and time ticked by and I started dreaming of grabbing stuff and throwing it. When the doctor came in and saw me she said my dog looked worried. Not, oh hey what’s wrong, why are you crying. Your dog looks worried. My doctor is brilliant. Get me talking about my dog. Calm me down. I love that woman. She assured me I’d be done in time and we were just wrapping up when the driver got there. When you hope the driver will be late, they never are.

Long story short she checked my heart, it sounded fine, she ran through questions and I’m starting Lexapro. I couldn’t get it yesterday. Insurance problems. But of course, right? It’ll be a low dose. I’ve been on it before; it’s what they gave me when I went blind to help me ease into the adjustment. I probably should have just stayed on it. Oh well, lesson learned. I was also cleared to exercise again so yay! There is hope. I feel hope.

I do have to laugh though. She asked me if I’m sleeping. Oh yeah! I sleep great! It’s 4:40am as I write this and I’ve been awake for two hours haha!

I’m going to take a break from this for a minute. I’m hoping to record some blabbering later since I got a new mic so I don’t want to just write everything that’s on my mind and have nothing left to blabber about.

Well that wasn’t much of a break since Twitter is kinda slow. Speaking of Twitter, I has a funny. I’m going to include this in the audio too but this is just too good. Yesterday on the way to the doctor I was on the paratransit and wanted to send a tweet so I started typing in Fleksy listening with my Bluetooth headset. Unfortunately Voiceover just isn’t very loud on the Bluetooth and the paratransit van was noisy so I didn’t really hear Fleksy correctly. I tweeted the following:

@Raynaadi – I’m getting notion sink on this transport wide. #vomit

I didn’t know this until I got home and checked my mentions and Steve asked if I meant to tweet that or if it was an autocorrect fail. I thought with Fleksy you couldn’t have autocorrect fails but apparently that only works if you can really hear Voiceover well. Lesson learned, next time I’ll turn spell mode on when surroundings are loud. It sure made for a great belly laugh though when I really really needed a good belly laugh. I favorited the tweet for future laughs. I’ll definitely include it in the audio though since it’s funny to hear Voiceover say it.

It’s 4:54. I think I’ll edit and see what we’ve got.

I heard a Twitter mention and a DM. Wow both! I also have that Call Me Maybe song in my head. I started thinking about the Rays rookies dance number and now that song is in my head. *Shakes fist* damn you James Shields! I’ll get you! And your little meddling kids too! Or dog. Kids? Dog. Ding don the witch is dead! Another mention, shiny! Ok, that’s a wrap. A 30. It’s 5:16am. Do you know where your slippers are?

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Filed under assistive technologies, baseball, coffeeholic, doc, funnies, gratitude, humor as coping skill, Jayden, mental health, rambles, random stuff, screen reader, Sleep Deprived Fun, treat for me, twitter me this, Voiceover, workouts

Just when you think you’re getting better, you murder the coffee maker

After I murdered a cell phone a number of years ago, I am really good about not throwing electronics. Does a coffee maker count as an electronic? It’s an appliance, so perhaps not. So I think I’m still good in the not throwing electronics department.

Today was not a good day. Mr. Coffee thoroughly tipped me over after an unexpected change of plans let the veil of depression try to lower once more. It was creepy really, feeling it try and come back. I am hyper aware of my mental health lately after clawing my way out of the last horrible and paralyzing depression.

Today we were supposed to meet my uncle and aunt for lunch after they picked Gamma up. Gamma’s birthday is Monday so we were going to celebrate today. I was really looking forward to it. My uncle called at about ten this morning to let me know that Gamma had a bad night last night and didn’t want to go out today. He said he’d call me back since his house phone was ringing and it was most likely her. I hung up with him and continued listening to comedy on ootunes as I had been doing before he called.

B got up not long after that and I told him and said I was just waiting for my uncle to call back and give me more details. As time wore on I could literally feel my mood darken. I don’t remember ever feeling that before. I could feel the depression trying to seep back into me and I tried to fight it. B and I decided to do our normal Saturday thing and he stepped out for a minute to get lunch and I prepared my afternoon pot of coffee to have with lunch.

That’s when it got bad. Thank you, Mr. Coffee, for nothing. I had just bought that coffee maker a month ago after the last one barely made it a year. A year is at least better than a month. Today when I pushed the brew button nothing happened. It had been making a strange sound here and there but I thought it was just that noise that sometimes happens when there’s pressure between the hot plate and the decanter. I pressed the off button and the on button again. I tried moving plugs. Nothing happened. I lost it. I snapped. Completely snapped.

I had the presence of mind to take the glass part out of the thing before I slammed it down into the sink. I just kept slamming it in the sink and water and coffee grounds went flying. I was sobbing and raving and banging on the counter and I picked the thing up and cursed at it and went to throw it in the bathtub but then I told myself I’d just have coffee grounds in the tub so I set the thing back on the counter and began tearing at it, pulling it apart, ripping apart the plastic pieces. If I didn’t have animals to worry about I would have shattered the glass part. I collapsed on the kitchen floor after shoving the thing in the trash. I leaned against the cabinet, wet and messy with coffee grounds and sobbed.

I thought, I need to clean this up before B gets home. Then I thought, no he needs to see what I’ve done. I won’t hide. Hiding won’t help. So I went and sat on the carpet. Jayden tentatively came to me and just sat by my side. My breathing began to slow but tears still ran down my face. My uncle called.

I hid that I was crying. I wouldn’t hide from B but I would hide from my uncle. He said they had been to see Gamma. He apologized for not calling me back sooner. I could hear my tone was clipped and I think I sounded angry. I eventually sent him an email explaining that I had just murdered a coffee maker before he called and I was hiding my crying. He hasn’t written back. I hate to add to the stress that him and my dad are under. The last thing they need is to worry about me.

I got out my backup coffee maker that doesn’t make great coffee but it’s better than nothing. I set it up on the dry part of the counter and made a pot and was sitting on the couch after having gathered the courage to turn on the Rays game when B came home.

He acted like it was completely normal to come home to a beat up kitchen and destroyed coffee maker. He didn’t bat an eye at the fact that he couldn’t set his stuff down on the counter since it was covered in water and coffee grounds. I asked if he would call the men in white coats and he said he is the men in white coats and I agreed because he is. He said this is normal. It’s normal to beat up the kitchen? Yes, when you’re under the stress you’ve been under. He laughed. I relaxed.

It is normal. But I don’t like it. And I don’t want things to escalate. I thought of my friend who knew she needed help when she beat up the refrigerator. Is it coincidence that I already have an appointment with my doc on Monday? I think not.

I asked B if he thought I should get on some meds. He quietly said it couldn’t hurt. After a bit I asked if he had been afraid to say that, afraid I’d get mad. No, he wasn’t afraid of that. I asked if he had been wanting to suggest I go on meds. He said no, he would never tell me what to do. I said I value his opinion. He said nothing works unless you come to it on your own. Ah…how right he is.

He suggested a few different medications to talk with my doctor about. I don’t expect it to be a quick fix and I don’t expect to not still have to work on my mental health. When I first went blind I was put on meds to help me get through the adjustment period and I think I might need that now, though maybe more long term. I’ve been having some scary cardiovascular symptoms which I am finding out can be anxiety. I’m sure my doc will check for other things too but it is sure sounding like anxiety. Or too much coffee. Or both. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

So perhaps Mr. Coffee does deserve my thanks. Perhaps this shoddy coffee maker that only lasted a month was just the catalyst I needed to admit to myself that I need some chemical help to get through this latest upheaval.

I’m still switching brands though. B just called from the store. I’m going with a Hamilton Beach decanterless model. Let’s hope it lives a nice long life.

Oh, funny aside. Remember the first time I explained how not to spill coffee on electronics? I no longer use that wireless keyboard but of course I’m hanging onto it. Last night I moved it from behind my laptop and put it on the breakfast bar with the intention of taking it to the bedroom with me when I went to bed so I could put it in a drawer for safe keeping. I forgot it.

The breakfast bar is near where the coffee maker is kept. The coffee maker I murdered today. Guess where a lot of the flying water and coffee grounds ended up? You guessed it. The breakfast bar. So that poor little keyboard has survived brewed coffee and now unbrewed coffee and it still works. It’s an Apple product so that explains it.

Oh, and have you ever tried to clean up a kitchen after throwing around dry coffee grounds that mix with water? Yeah. Have you ever lay on the beach? You know how it’s impossible to wash off all the sand? It’s like that. I must admit though, scrubbing the kitchen after I ate and talked to B and decided to go on meds and calmed down was rather cathartic.

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Filed under apple Inc, birthday, coffeeholic, doc, family, Gamma, humor as coping skill, Jayden, mental health, misty eyes

Doggy Diaries – How a bath helped the human

Deciding to use a mobile groomer to get Jayden a bath took a lot of pressure and stress off me. It meant I wouldn’t have to try and figure out good paratransit times and I wouldn’t be abandoned like the last time I took Jayden for a bath. I know a lot of dog owners bathe their dogs at home but I just don’t have the energy for that so I let the professionals do it.

When I decided to go the mobile route, I googled “mobile dog groomers” and started shopping. The first result was just very meh, the second one sucked me in. K-9 Kruiser is a locally owned and operated company and their message was very personal and clear. They love animals plain and simple. They even have a bio page for all their groomers and one of them has a cat named Jayden! That cinched it.

Figuring out the grooming issue was just one of the things I had to get accomplished and that depression I was in was paralyzing me. The thought of trying to get all this stuff scheduled was just too much and it sent me into a panic. Finally deciding to use a mobile groomer eased the stress a little bit and when I finally made the call, a huge burden was lifted. The website said to leave a message since they don’t answer calls while on the road. This was perfect! I could make a phone call and not have to talk to anyone. After I left the message I actually fist pumped in victory. Hurdle jumped. Then I burst into tears. That was a week ago. This week I’m much more emotionally stable, I’m happy to report.

I felt great after scheduling that and taking care of some more phone calls. Then towards the end of last week the other shoe dropped. We were notified of paving happening in the parking lot on Monday. I freaked out. What if this caused a problem with the groomers coming and parking the van in the lot? I called the office and they couldn’t really assure me it would be fine. I just had to turn it over and wait and see. I called Monday to find out if the striping would be done by noon since that’s when the grooming was scheduled. She said it should be fine since they were starting early in the morning.

The groomer was actually early yesterday but luckily we were ready. It was so nice to not have to leave the apartment and show up an hour early for an appointment. The groomer had her associate with her so he and I stood right outside the van while she groomed Jayden. He got totally hyper towards the end and started bouncing around the van, something I will dissuade next time. He didn’t get hurt but he could have. That’s just my paranoia.

After she was done she came with us into the house to brush Jayden’s teeth. I normally do that but figured I’d make this a full service grooming. Jayden pulled towards the door and I thought maybe he had to pee but once we got inside he was just excited and wanted to go for a run. The groomer got to see how he is when not on duty and she laughed as Jayden ran laps in the house.

After she left I was exhausted and apparently so was Jayden. He didn’t want to be touched. I’m thinking he was overstimulated. He finally lay down by my feet and passed out and later he was himself again.

He is so soft and smells so good! He was a little too fluffy for my liking yesterday but today he feels normal again. I can’t stop burying my face in his fur haha!

I’m glad we don’t have to do that often but it’s sure nice when we do! Today I managed to schedule even more appointments. Calling the groomer last week was the first baby step towards clawing out of such a dark place. I’m feeling better physically too, which is another huge part. We’re back to our dry heat here. Heaven!

Oh right, the main reason I wrote this up today. Apparently Blogger is forcing the switch to the new interface yet again. Supposedly they fixed it, so we’ll see. If I don’t post here again for awhile, that’s what’s up.

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A post with thoughts and links and stuff

As I was reading Twitter this morning I opened a lot of links. Some days there is just some really good stuff being tweeted and today was one of those days for me. I started thinking I might get a blog post out of it all and decided I’d write it up after the Rays game. The game ended up going to extras and lasting five hours before the Rays lost in heartbreaking fashion. I’m not sure but I think I ended up with one or two more links to discuss because the game was so long. Day games tend to mess me up during the week so you can imagine what a long extra innings game does.

I took care of some phone calls and then sat down to write. I went into Safari history and started pulling up all the sites I want to link to. As I was doing it I thought, Safari is gonna freeze. Ok, it’s gonna freeze when I pull this one up. Ok, maybe I should write the post and grab the links as I go. Oh, but so far so good, open up one more. Busy. Busy. Busy. Darn. So now I’m going one page at a time. Happy, Safari?

About a year or so ago, I got a new follower on Twitter. I checked out her bio and was curious about why she followed me. At the time she was a writer for the New York Post I think it was. She followed a ton of people and had even more followers. I checked out her timeline and was intrigued so I followed back. I’ve had a few quick Twitter conversations with Mandy Stadtmiller and she’s definitely one I enjoy following.

If you’ve read here recently you’ll know that I’ve been in a pretty deep depression. It is slowly lifting but it’s definitely not gone. This morning Mandy wrote 50 Reasons Not To Kill Yourself. I really enjoyed this and related and felt not alone. Go check it out, and see if you spot anyone you “know”. You never know when the things you tweet might end up in an article somewhere.

Another link that caught my attention was Is Pirating Books Ever OK? The article mentions people who pirate digital copies of books they own in print. They reason that they have already paid for the book once, so why should they have to pay for it again? No one is going to scan in every page of their print book just to get a digital copy. One of the arguments mentioned was that people burn their CDs to put on their iPods, so how is pirating digital books any different?

I’m really not sure how I feel about this. Honestly my first thought was, all that money I spent replacing all my Harry Potter books. I think two of them were gifted to me but I can’t even begin to think how much those seven books cost on CD. That was back before I discovered Audible. I think I finally got wise at some point and bought two of the books on CD from Amazon, but by the logic of this article, I could have pirated those books and felt ok with it since I had all the books in print form before going blind.

I also recently read tweets by a couple of authors I like discussing their books going on sale for Kindle. One author’s book was on sale for $1.99. To me that was insulting. That’s not much better than just having the book pirated. To me it’s like leaving a server a five cent tip when the service has been dreadful. That gets more of a point across than no tip at all.

Also, what if a book is only available for purchase in abridged format when the author’s original work is available untouched, but not for sale? I’m not sure that happens in formats other than audio, but it’s food for thought. I’m all for authors and writers earning money for their hard work. I am more than happy to pay for books I want but I’m not paying for abridged books. I think in some situations, pirating isn’t a bad word. Regardless though, please support your writers when you can.

Speaking of books, I loved this article about the husband of E.L. James, writer of the Fifty Shades trilogy. It’s really interesting to hear about the phenomenon from the man who is “not Christian Grey”, who helped his wife with editing and who decided to follow his own dream and write a book as well. I’m curious about his book since he helped James with editing and I said I wanted to edit the heck out of it when I reviewed it here.

While I was reading the trilogy I discussed the music in the books with a friend also reading them. I know one of us mentioned wanting to hear the music and the other said there must be a list somewhere online. I don’t think either of us ever looked. Never fear, iTunes is here! That album has classical pieces from the book. I cracked up when I read some of the reviews on that page. People are acting insulted that these beautiful pieces are being lumped in with such smut haha! Hmmm, how about capitalizing on something that is raking in the dough? How bout exposing people to music they might never have checked out otherwise? I love it. I just love the contempt prior to investigation and the judging people do of these books. I can say that because I was one of those people before my friend practically tied my hands behind my back and made me read them. I might just download that album. I love classical music so why not?

I’m not sure how to transition from Fifty Shades to Apple so I’ll just jump right into these next few links. Unless you don’t read any kind of social networks and probably not even blogs or anything on the internet, you’ll know that Apple just revealed the iPhone 5 yesterday. I followed the event on Twitter just because I was already reading Twitter at the time. Sure the phone sounds cool but if I were to get it, my Otterbox case wouldn’t fit it. No, that isn’t the only reason I’m not gonna run to the iPhone 5 but it’s part of it. The new design is a taller and thinner model. Taller and thinner model? I swear I didn’t have that sentence in my head before it just came out but it’s pretty funny. Ok so anyway, all the accessories I have for my iPhone 4 won’t work with it. Although really that’s just my Otterbox, since I can no longer use my docking speaker with my phone since putting the case on it. I use my iPod with the docking speaker in my room for books now. I digress…the main reason I’m not getting it is I can’t afford it and I like my iPhone 4.

Twitter was rather fun yesterday with everyone discussing the phone, the people contemplating running out to get it, the people lamenting not being able to get it since they weren’t up for an upgrade etc etc. I sat back, happy with my iPhone 4 and wondering what will be in the upgrade I do get in a few years.

There can be a lot of pressure from fellow iThing users. You’re not going to upgrade? Really? Why not? I actually got into bit of a tiff on Twitter when I waited awhile to update to iOS 5. I didn’t feel the need at the time and had heard the update was buggy. So I waited. I finally updated to get people off my back about it and because there was an app that wouldn’t update without iOS 5. iOS 6 is coming out soon and I plan to wait on that as well. Maybe not as long, but I’m not gonna wait for a really long download time while everyone else is getting it. I’m content to let everyone flock to the App Store and I’ll grab it after the crowds subside.

I’m guessing the poster of this post on AppleVis was feeling the same pressure but it did make me laugh, especially the replies. One commenter pointed out that the law requiring one to upgrade their iPhone has not yet been passed. Perhaps those pressuring people to upgrade should read this article about getting off the upgrade treadmill. I don’t really know anyone who fits the type of person described in that but I do know of some people who like to hurry and get their hands on shiny new tech immediately. While I roll my eyes at them I have to admit that part of me is also jealous at their ability to afford to get on the preorder list haha! I’m currently saving for a new Macbook and this article helped me know my decision was the right one. I’m not upgrading just to upgrade, I’m doing it because I want the accessibility features in Mountain Lion and my Macbook won’t run it.

I think I fall somewhere in between people who use majorly outdated stuff and those who have to have the latest and greatest. When it comes to apps I have to dive right in, for sure. I was shocked recently when a friend who got an iPhone didn’t immediately start playing with Fleksy when he downloaded the trial version of the typing app. This leads me to the last thing I wanted to share. This article explains more about how Fleksy came into being. I didn’t know that the developers originally wanted to improve on auto correct and eventually developed the amazing typing application that has blind iPhone users singing their praises. Since I began using Fleksy to type on my iPhone, I started using my phone so much more for other things. Knowing I wouldn’t have to expel so much mental energy to type a tweet if I wanted to reply, I began reading Twitter on my phone more often. Using Fleksy has made me more confident with the on screen keyboard, so entering usernames and passwords isn’t nearly as daunting as it was before. Basically, I got Fleksy so I could type faster but the result has been that I use my phone much, much more, making the money I spend on it totally worth it. Before all I ever really did on it was make calls and listen to baseball games. So I really enjoyed the above linked article! I have a feeling that company is going to go far.

So, those were the thoughts I had today after opening those links. I certainly didn’t expect to still be writing this post at 5:30pm. The Rays game was not supposed to last five hours! I suppose I’ll go edit now and see if this monster turned out interesting at all.

So speaking of auto correct, the word “suppose” there at the end was corrected to “supple”. No computer, I was done writing about Fifty Shades.

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Filed under apple Inc, assistive technologies, Audio books, baseball, cool product, iPhone, mental health, music, plugs, proud geek, twitter me this

Hanging with Ro Episode 11-11.3 – No Clue What to Call It

After the post I wrote this morning in my full depression and semi sleep deprived state I talked to Georgie and that helped a little bit but then I just got overwhelmed all over again so I started playing with my audio recording software while I waited for my friend Chupa to call. After talking with her I felt a LOT better. I listened to the hour long recording I had done testing all kinds of things and I didn’t like how it turned out. So I tried again and Episode 11.1 was born.

I didn’t like how that turned out so I tried it a different way and Episode 11.2 was born. I wasn’t going to do any more but then I hoped to capture the storm if it got bad so Episode 3 was born. Below are the links. I honestly can’t really remember what all topics are included. My depression, music, Twitter mistakes, baseball, Evan Longoria, the usual riff raff of whatever. I’m exhausted now and the storm didn’t come, though it sure sounded like it was just after I ended the third recording. I really need to figure out how to edit the beginning and end of these where Voiceover can be heard controlling Audio Hijack.

Enjoy at your own risk.

Really quiet Episode 11.1

Much louder Episode 11.2

Quieter, experimental and hoping for the storm Episode 11.3

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Filed under baseball, evan longoria, fellowship, hanging with ro, mental health, music, random stuff, screen reader, silly girl, twitter me this, weather

From the Desk of My Depressed and Semi-sleep Deprived Mind

Disclaimer: This is not a happy post. I’m just putting this hear before I post this as a warning in case you’re unstable around politics like I am.

***

I’m not sure if I’ll title this post From the Desk of My Sleep Deprived Mind part three or not since I didn’t wake up at like 1:30am or anything. I did however, wake up at 4:00am, I just didn’t get out of bed until 6:00am. Do you ever do that? Wake up at an ungodly hour and lay there thinking, “if I fall asleep again now, I’ll get another three hours. Ok, so now if I fall asleep again I’ll get like two and a half hours, oh now it’s just kinda pointless, oh but I’m comfy, hey the air conditioning kicked in if I’m gonna sleep it’s now or never to that air, quick, snuggle up. Oh the air is off again. Now I’m thinking about all my fears again do I really want to do this? I could make coffee and read Twitter. But if I fall asleep now I’ll get another two hours, everyone is gonna die before me and I’ll be alone! Alone! Alone! Oh screw it just get up.” Or is that just me?

Yeah…I’m in a lot of fear in my life. I do morning writing upon awakening every day so this morning I chatted with myself about that fear a little bit. I’m not gonna write that all in public cuz that’s a rather private conversation between God and me but basically I’m having a hard time trusting that I’ll be ok. It really did hit me while trying to get back to sleep that everyone in my life is older than me. I have this horrible fear that I’m going to be left completely alone, with no one. No one! Do you know how scary that is?

I know a lot of this is coming from the change in the family dynamic since Gamma had to go to the home. The family sold her house recently and I don’t think I’m ok with that. That house was the last place we all were before everyone started dying. Now there’s no house where we all were. That’s just sad. I’m so glad that I didn’t know the last time I was at her house was the last time. I left there our last Sunday together oblivious and happy and then….

I haven’t been the same since. And the politics don’t help. That stuff is everywhere when you’re on social networking. I can filter a lot using my Twitter client called YoruFukurou but a lot still slips through. It’s like when I stopped listening to talk radio because even though I listened to the shows I related to they still played sound bites of the other side. I still had to hear it. And even the side I relate to and agree with more or less drives me crazy. It’s all crazy. But the side I don’t lean towards? They hate women! And I’m a disabled woman! Even worse! I’m a drain on my country! I’m worthless! I need help and I can’t support myself! Do you know how hard it is to hear that other side that I don’t lean towards? Why am I being evasive? Maybe I just don’t even want those words on my blog. I’ll just say if we don’t elect the same President I’m really just gonna lose it. You will have to lock me up. I’m gonna freak out. I am so terrified and that other party is a big, no huge, no gigantic part of that. Do you hear me? That side? Look at what you’re doing to the people you want to govern! Look at me! Up until like a month or two ago I was one of the most well adjusted people I knew and now I’m close to a shell of a freaking human because I’m not a rich old white guy who can support myself and who’s healthy. I have parts that side wants to assign laws to. Heart, calm down, I’m sorry, calm down heart. I’m a sick woman. Yes, I am being melodramatic, but this is how this all makes me feel and I can’t get away from it because even though I don’t follow the people who believe that stuff they still tweet it! Ok I’m gonna cry I need to stop talking about this.

It’s all worsening my depression to the nth degree. Old time readers here know how I feel about that word, depression. You know if I use it, it’s getting kinda nasty for me.

I’m not one to throw around the word depression or depressed lightly unless I’m really in a depression. When I feel it coming on I fight it, I try and keep it down, I try and soul search and inventory and fix it. Sometimes it goes away quickly so for me, that was just a case of the blues. When it hangs around for weeks and then a month and then more than a month and I find myself crying easily, it’s a depression full blown and I hate to admit it but then I admit it and it starts to lift.

Share your pain with another and cut it in half. Share it again and cut it again. Slowly, ever so slowly, it begins to help. I’m reaching into my memory vault and trying to remember the things I learned in therapy while adjusting to blindness. I officially was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder which just makes me laugh. Adjustment disorder. Alrighty then. So do “normal” people just adjust in a day to life altering changes? I think names just have to be assigned to things. I just don’t like the word disorder. I think I’ve blogged about this before.

Anyway wow, so how did all that come out? This is what happens when I’m sleep deprived. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe it’s my version of a loose tongue with the drink since I don’t drink. Sometimes when I vomit out a word post I wonder if I’ll actually put it up on the blog but I always do. It’s partly that sharing to cut the pain in half thing but also because every time I post this kind of stuff someone always thanks me for sharing. The best way to get out of oneself is to help another.

Ok, so it’s 7:06 now. I only started writing because I caught up on Twitter and didn’t know what else to do. I need to refill my coffee but that will require moving. I wonder what I’ve written? I love the stream of conscious writing. That’s what my morning writing is like. I have over a year’s worth of daily writing. It’s never this much though. I think maybe because I do it first thing, before I’ve really woken up and had time to put thoughts in my head.

I wish this was more of a funny post like the other two sleep deprived posts. I was a lot more sleep deprived in those posts though, so maybe this is the equivalent to only like three beers and those other two were more like eight to ten beers. Yes, I am comparing my lack of sleep to beers. When I don’t sleep enough I do feel inebriated. How bout some coffee and reading back on this to see what I’ve got.

Wow, that was intense. I ended up vomiting out that political stuff while I went and read through. I think that’s been stuff I wanted to spew for awhile. Please, if you comment, please don’t try and change my mind on the politics. Please don’t. I’m not talking lightly about how badly the politics is affecting me, so please don’t. I don’t want a debate in the comments, that’s not why I’m writing all this. If you disagree with me, just move on. I don’t think my readers are the type to troll the comments like on big sites but for my peace of mind I had to throw that in there.

I know deep down that this too shall pass. I haven’t been well and that’s a big part of the depression. The only time I see people is when I go to the gym and I haven’t been well enough to go for awhile. Jayden is fantastic company but he can’t talk to me and he can’t hold me. I know this is a rough patch and things will get better, but I’m just not sure better is enough anymore.

Was about to publish when I thought maybe I got all this out now since I’m planning on getting some audio later and it would have sucked to cry in that. See? Silver lining still there.

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Filed under coffeeholic, faith, Gamma, in the news, Jayden, mental health, misty eyes, politics, rant, Sleep Deprived Fun, spoons, twitter me this

Stress is a four letter word

Stress is such a terrible thing. To me, stress means fatigue inducing emotion wrecking sad inculcating negative thought provoking misery.

I take great pains to reduce stress in my life. When I was diagnosed with MS, the neurologist told me to cut out stress. Ha! It worked for awhile, not working and stuff but when I went back to work, the stress angered the MS and changed my life forever.

For the most part, the blindness has done for me what the doctors wanted. Strange as that might sound, now that I’ve adjusted to life without sight and have an amazing guide dog by my side, life is, for the most part stress free.

Except that…unless I win the lottery and buy a deserted island, there will always be stress. Unfortunately it’s not just me and my dog surviving in this terrible world. I didn’t even realize it this week that I had let stress begin to get the better of me. It’s such a sneaking foe, lurking around every corner, like a cat waiting for its prey, ready to pounce when I let my guard down.

Half the time I don’t realize that things will bring me stress until it’s too late and that’s what has happened this week, I think. I’m so tired. So incredibly tired. From the marrow of my bones to the top layers of my skin I ache with exhaustion.

Usually I can push through it. Yesterday I got the laundry ready to do today, just one lowly load but there’s no way I can push through it today.

I wish I could describe what it’s like. I know there’s no way to convey just what it feels like and I’ve had healthy people tell me they understand but it’s impossible. Unless maybe you imagine your worst ever flu. Take away the sniffles and coughing and you might get close. I feel like I’m walking in quick sand. I feel like there are tethers on my arms. I feel like when I’m sitting, like a giant hand is pushing me down so that even the softest surfaces hurt and add pressure to my bones as though no padding lives between the joints.

My eyes feel like they have sand in them and thank God I can keep them closed, because leaving them open hurts. I lay down and can’t sleep. It’s comfortable at first and then the not moving creates an ache. As soon as I move I can’t get comfortable again so I give up and move again.

I think that’s the worst part. Being so exhausted moving makes me want to pass out but sitting still is just as bad.

I sat out on my patio for a bit and if I try really hard, the sounds of traffic can almost be turned into the breaking of waves on a beach. I imagine white sands stretching for miles. The birds chirping could be sea birds. The breeze could carry the hint of salt spray. The relaxing image is almost believable until a siren goes by, or a motorcycle speeds through the intersection and suddenly I’m on the hard wooden chair again.

What I wouldn’t give for a vacation to a little cottage on a beach somewhere, just Jayden and me, where he can run and chase the gulls, where I can stand and feel the water lapping my ankles, toes sinking into the sand, turn my face towards the sun and feel the cool wet spray of the might of the ocean and breathe deep, hearing no sounds of people and cars and sirens and destruction, where no drama can touch me, where there is no human presence. Just Jayden and gulls and sand crabs and waves.

But alas, I’m not rich. That sort of heaven will never happen. I’ll never get to experience a true sense of stress relief, only what I imagine in my mind, which works briefly.

I might sound depressed. And maybe I am a little. Sometimes I try so hard to pretend everything is perfect, that no strife touches me, that nobody feels pain, that I can help…

Like Ashley Wilkes said to Melanie in his letter, life will never be that simple. Oh what it would be like to be a lady before the war, where the only worry was whether the corset could be tied to seventeen inches and which beau would court at the barbecue. Was life ever really that simple? I doubt it.

Now that I’ve written this out I’m not sure I’ll put it on the blog. I don’t want to bring anyone down. Oh wait, there I go again, thinking about others before thinking of myself. Maybe I need to post it. Maybe I need to know that others might read and maybe relate or just offer a kind word.

Sometimes I feel like my cyber life is where I find peace. I said last night that Twitter brought me comfort and I wondered what that meant. Friends said it’s because I follow the right people and have love and support there. Yes. Just like the love and support of the Blogger family. Not to say I don’t have love and support in the non cyber world, but it takes so much less energy to type than to talk. And when I type I just get to focus on my side of things. It all gets to come out. Does that make sense?

I suppose really the whole point of my wanting to write this down is to remind myself that stress will kill me. I must not let it creep around the corner and pounce.

Tomorrow I get to pick the sparks and write a story. I’ll get to dissolve into a piece of fiction. My escape.

I think the birds are outside singing merrily to lure me out again and imagine my beach scene…

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Filed under Jayden, mental health, random stuff, spoons, twitter me this

Ho’ws your happy vitamin?

When I applied for disability the first time, when only one eye was blind from MS, I saw a psychiatrist who mentioned new studies about auto immune diseases and Vitamin D. He said many believed that those with auto immune need more Vitamin D than what is considered “within normal limits”. I ran it by my doctor at the time and I happened to have a great tan. She said that judging by my tan, I was probably getting enough, but she tested me anyway. I was “within normal limits”.

I recently had lab work and I am now Vitamin D deficient, so my doctor has put me on a supplement of 1,000 mg daily.

I decided to look up the symptoms of Vitamin D deficiency and holy cow. Fatigue, muscle weakness and pain, sleep problems, depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder and on and on…

The article specifically mentions MS as a disease where low Vitamin D gets nasty.

And guess what? If you use sunscreen 15 spf or higher, you’re not getting your sunshine vitamin. 15spf. That’s a low sunscreen. Even if you’ve got a nice tan, you might still be deficient. The article even says that people with darker skin have a harder time absorbing Vitamin D. And tanning beds don’t count; they don’t put out the right kind of light.

So how’s your fatigue? How’s your mood? PMS really bad? Muscle weakness? How are you sleeping? Do you wear sunscreen? Do you get migraines?

Go read this. Do it. Do it for me. Let’s conquer the spoons. I don’t care if you don’t have an auto immune. Vitamin D is important for women. It might even help with certain kinds of cancer. Take a calcium supplement with Vitamin D? Great, but it still might not be enough.

Don’t just run out and get supplements without a physician’s advice. But take a look at the link. Today is the second day I’m on the supplement and I can’t wait to see what it might improve.

Oh yeah, Vitamin D aids in weight loss. There, did that motivate you?

Go give it a read. That’s not the only information on it, so check out the other links on the page.

I’m happy I’m getting more happy vitamin!

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Filed under doc, mental health, spoons

MH – Tribute to mental health professionals, and an early series end

I’ve decided to end the mental health series early, without completing thirty posts. I have to take care of my own mental health, and this month has really gotten me down.

I really agonized over this. Thinking to myself that it would be selfish of me to let my own feelings stop me from doing an entire month, that since everything I’ve learned so far has affected me so dramatically, that it was even more important to get awareness out there.

But I had to think back to a conversation I had with Carol about a month ago. We were talking about our capacities to be of service and how we’re limited do to our respective disabilities. Carol made a really good point. She said something like, there are plenty of people in the world who can help. We don’t have to be the one to save everyone.

That really stuck with me and I’ve been working really hard over the last few months to set limitations, to take care of myself first. I cannot transmit something I haven’t got, meaning I’m not being of service if my heart isn’t in it, if I’m not mentally sound enough.

And I’m not mentally sound enough to continue digging up information for posts. I think we got some really great guest posts. I think all of the guest bloggers really gave us a personal glimpse into mental illness. I want to keep it that way. I don’t want to post half hearted attempts to find something to post about and give my own skewed opinions, through a haze of my own blue filter.

This leads me to want to send a tremendous thanks to those mental health professionals who can. Those people who went through the grueling schooling and training to be able to listen to others for hours on end, those people who are able to push away their own thoughts and opinions to reach out and help another.

Someone very close to me is a social worker. What he goes through…what he sees…the things he has to fight for, trying to fight for the rights of his clients in a system that cares more for the dollar than for human life. I already had a deep respect for him and others in the field, but it wasn’t until I started trying to write a post each day about mental health, that I realized the depth of what these people go through on a day to day basis. I only touched on it. I only took a small glimpse into that world. Mental health professionals do it every day. They are there to council us, to hold our hand, to be our advocates. It takes a special kind of person to fit that role, and I know I am not it.

So I close this series now, on that note. I know it’s the right decision for me. Hopefully if there has been any theme to what I did post, it’s that help is out there, people have recovered. I can say with certainty that most people who work in mental health are prepared and ready for those of us who need their help.

The rest of May is still mental health awareness month. You can still go learn something. Go Google something you’ve always wondered about. Make yourself aware. And remember that we never know what someone “out there” might be going through when we think they’re rude or a little ‘off’.

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Filed under awareness month, mental health