Category Archives: funnies

#NaBloPoMo – Another edition of Keyword Gems. Is your search query here?

I knew I had one fairly easy post for NaBloPoMo and I’m cashing it in today. I don’t have time to write something from scratch, so I’ll bring you another edition of ‘They Landed Here’, which I’ve been titling, “Keyword Gems”. These are search queries I save that made me laugh at the time of finding them on my stat counter. In case you find that you’re one of the people searching for these terms, don’t worry, I have no way of finding out who you are. Stat counters don’t work that way.

Below each query is the thought I had at the time of saving the search term. Hope you enjoy! Oh yeah, I copied this idea some time ago from VomitComet. Check out their “You are Here?” label for hours and hours of laughter!

***

Remember the rapture?

20 May www.google.com 86 year old man says the world ends tomorrow

20 May www.google.com what’s up with the world ending thing tomorrow?

21 May www.google.com.au so i heard about the end of the world, oh wait

Now back to our regularly scheduled search queries.

3 Jun www.google.ca doggy positions

*Is my mind just in the gutter? This made me LOL for real.

2 Jun www.google.com.ar describe a commercial

* A british voice speaking that is actually a little green gecko telling you you can save fifteen percent or more on car insurance

1 Jun www.google.com evan longoria’s marital status

*I get these search queries a lot. Evan, inquiring minds want to know. (Though I’m pretty sure with the media the way it is, we’ll know he’s engaged before his parents do.)

6 Jun www.google.com use iphone to see blind person

*I think you can just use your eyes to see us.

7 Jun www.google.co.uk the song about carole

*Just had to save this one for Carol. I wonder if the E on the end of your name was a mistake? Maybe there is a song about Carole.

7 Jun www.google.ca what I want need to know about short story

*How I learn know to write.

8 Jun www.google.com but I asked her to put the dog away

*And she didn’t??? Dude.

20 Jun www.google.com I don’t know how to crochet and I want to crochet a blanket

*Probably need to learn how to crochet, then…

21 Jun www.google.com “can i put my laptop in the freezer”

*Is it scary?

23 Jun www.google.com.au what would happen if there was no guide dogs?

*A lot more white canes would be sold.

24 Jun www.google.com should stay in the market? 2011 june

*Huh?

25 Jun www.google.com.au how to want to write again

*If you find out, will you let me know? Update: There’s this great book: “The Artist’s Way”. Read it. It makes you want to write again. *

25 Jun www.google.com is evan longoria a jerk

*Absolutely not. I’m biased, but we’ve all got the same information on the guy.

25 Jun www.google.com sam fuld catches videos

*Sam Fuld catches everything.

27 jun www.google.com.tw “rock paper scissors” umpire test

*They appeal to first and…paper beats rock. Strike three.

30 jun www.google.com Mom did cal is that sentence rite

*Your mom did cal? As in, California? That’s a lot of doing. Or perhaps you meant calculus. I’m thinking you also meant, right or correct. (This search query landed the searcher on another keyword gems post. I thought that was kinda funny.)

4 Jul www.google.co.uk. do you agree with guide dogs

*Not all the time but usually my guide dog knows what is best for me.

15 Jul www.google.com.vc WHY DID CAT WENT ON THE ROOF?

*Maybe his litter needs changing.

29 Jul www.google.com “Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven!” movie

*”Seven” was a movie with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman. This search though, sounds like a “Friends” episode.

22 Aug www.google.com “my sighted boyfriend”

*Yeah, I’ve got one too.

11 Oct www.google.com 30 year ols women laying in the sun

*Well almighty then.

7 Nov www.google.com Hear+the+sleigh+bells+jingle,+jingle,+fingers+freeze+and+then+they+tingle.

*Yeah that’s about how I felt about that song, too.

2 Comments

Filed under crochet, evan longoria, funnies, guide dogs, NaBloPoMo 2011, plugs, Sam Fuld, They landed here, writing

Workouts, spoons and gravity

Workouts are back in full swing again after my schedule and fatigue levels put it on hold for a bit. The funny thing about exercise and spoons is the whole vicious cycle thing. When I don’t do it, the fatigue worsens. When I’m too fatigued, I can’t do it. Chicken? Egg?

So it’s difficult when a wrench is thrown into the works which keeps me from exercising because it sets off the vicious cycle. Lose lose.

When I get back to the gym, I take it easy for the first two times or so and then I’m so rejuvenated that I dive in head first and go balls to the walls. That’s what I did yesterday and ouch today. Lactic acid anyone?

I love it though. While my upper body is screaming in protest at me today, I’m loving it. What started as conditioning to get ready for guide dog school has become a way to replenish the spoon drawer and boost my self esteem big time.

I’m sooooo close to my target weight of 150. I fluctuate between 155 and 157 at every weigh in. These last few pounds are just pesky little creatures, probably because I still enjoy In and Out burger.

I love that I’m not ashamed to admit my weight to the world. I mean, I lied on my driver’s license. Who doesn’t? If I were to get a new ID today though, I’d tell the truth. So awesome!

I used to think 150 was way too heavy for a girl. Now that I know more however, I understand the difference between muscle weight and fat. I have a lot of muscle on my body, something I’ve never had before and I love it. I love the strength I have today, in spite of my illness. I used to feel so weak all the time and just took it as par for the course.

What I’ve learned though, is that the more strength and muscle I have, the less likely I am of falling and the more ability I have to fight, should that kind of situation ever arise. Of course I hope it never does, but knowing I have the ability to defend myself has taken so much fear out of being a blind woman out in the world and all its evils.

Why am I rambling about this? I don’t know. I was pouring coffee and my arm cursed at me for daring to make it perform in such a way and I decided to write. I’m also trying to get back in the habit of writing on a more regular basis, and it’s been fun to track my weight and success in the gym, so I decided to do a little update.

Should I finally reach 150, you’ll probably hear my screaming from the gym all the way in Florida.

As I read this back, I remembered I wanted to admit I did fall somewhat recently but it was too funny. I’ve only fallen twice since going blind. The first time was at a meeting with a friend. I misinterpreted her “ok” as “sit” so I did. On the floor. That taught me to always feel for a chair first.

The second time was a few weeks ago. I was sitting on my desk chair backwards, adjusting the back cushion straps and when I stood up something happened I wasn’t going to stay upright. I thought the couch was there so I gave into the law of gravity and let it take me, expecting to sit on the arm of the couch. Instead, arse met carpet between the couch and the coffee table. All I could do was laugh.

I definitely still get clumsy, but I shudder to think how much worse it would be if I didn’t have strength and conditioning training. Yikes.

2 Comments

Filed under accomplishment, Adjustment to blindness, blind blunders, coffeeholic, funnies, spoons, workouts

A hockey version of Who’s on First in my house tonight

A hockey game is on and they are tied at one in overtime and B was talking about how there’s nothing better than playoff hockey and I asked who’s playing.

The Montreal Canadians.

The Montreal what?

Canadians.

I know, but what?

The Montreal Canadians.

Oh they are called the Montreal Canadians?

Yeah, thought we were gonna have a who’s on first thing going on here.

Maniacal laughter ensued on my part. My stomach hurts I was laughing so hard.

For those unfamiliar with the Who’s on First reference, here ya go.

1 Comment

Filed under funnies, random stuff, sports, youtube

A screen reader funny

Those of you with screen readers, I’m sure you’ve experienced typing while your hands are on the wrong keys, only to discover it too late. It happens to me periodically in chat, especially since I don’t have my keyboard echo there.

Tonight I was chatting with Erik and I think that, not only was one hand misplaced, my wireless keyboard was acting up, so when I pressed enter and went back to read what I wrote as I always do, this is what I heard: (there’s a swear word heard clearly)

my next ppproooooject is goiiiiingggg  sssitte, not starrrrting wrriite it up sinthing today, talk  about trac investigate all of it like i didnore i talked shit about it

I laughed sooooo hard I just had to blog it. What cracked me up the most was that it was like, “nonsense nonsense nonsense talk shit about it”. Like when you’re watching the spanish station and they are speaking spanish and suddenly throw in an english slang word or something.

If you don’t have a screen reader, but you have an Apple, turn on Voiceover if you know how and listen. It cracked me up, but maybe it’s just me. Jaws people, how does it sound?

3 Comments

Filed under apple Inc, funnies, screen reader, silly girl, Voiceover

The craic was not 90 at the GnR show in Dublin

B came across this video on one of his music forums. *Warning* you can hear swearing.

The story goes that on September first, Guns n Roses was over an hour late getting on stage for their concert in Dublin, Ireland. The fans began booing them straight away and throwing beer bottles on stage. Axl has enough and says they’ll leave if another bottle is thrown, which promptly happens. Venue staff get up and try to calm the crowd and the guy says please don’t throw anything at Axl. B said the crowd began throwing bottles at the venue guy.

I don’t blame an artist for leaving if the crowd is going to throw bottles at him, but maybe he should have been on time. It’s good craic to hear the fans complaining, though.

4 Comments

Filed under funnies, music, youtube

Funny phone call

I got a phone call today from Saavi, telling me my name on the waiting list for adjustment to blindness counseling came up and did I still want services.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

I called back and spoke with the new counselor who I’ve met while working out. He answered the phone, I said hello and told him I just had to laugh. He laughed too and I think it was a little awkward for him to call, but he had to since he’s getting through the long waiting list for services. He knows from our chats at Saavi that I am quite adjusted so I’m sure it was funny for him to have to call me.

Think Saavi is a little busy? Um yeah. Most of their waiting lists are long, unless it’s like for O & M that is so very necessary for the blind and visually impaired. It’s hard on them, being a non-profit, getting government funding. I’m glad I don’t have to take that spot away from someone who does need counseling. Hopefully with this new staff member, things will start to move a little more quickly.

Isn’t that funny though??? Anyone think I need counseling for adjustment to blindness? In fact, I think I’d make a damn good peer counselor. 😉

6 Comments

Filed under Adjustment to blindness, funnies

Careful of those typos

On my ACB email list, we were talking about that new show on USA that has a CIA agent who’s blind. I wrote:

“It would be cool to lay a CIA agent.”

Oops. Yeah, um, meant “play” one….hahahaha!

I’m usually pretty good at catching typos. Guess I was in a hurry. Someone replied and asked what I meant and then asked if the actor is blind. I didn’t catch the first question. I said I didn’t think eh was blind, that it would e cool if they actually cast blind actors, that it would be cool to play a CIA agent. This morning someone replied, “that’s not what your last message said”. So I scrolled down through the old messages and caught what I had written. Lots of laughter ensued. Oops!

3 Comments

Filed under funnies, random stuff

The time is 4:42am

Georgie and I were on the phone yesterday and she was telling me about an app her boyfriend put on his iPhone. Apparently it turns the phone into a digital clock that stays partially illuminated so you can leave it by your bed at night and be able to glance at the time. If you touch the phone, it audibly announces the time, just like a blink’s watch.

So Georgie was awoken from a deep sleep when her boyfriend touched his phone. “The time is 4:42 am,” she heard as she was jolted out of slumber. “Why is Ro here in the bedroom?” she asked.

3 Comments

Filed under apple Inc, funnies

Dream CAPTCHA

Hahahaha oh I want one. Check out Carin’s post about dream CAPTCHAs. Hahahaha!

1 Comment

Filed under CAPTCHA, funnies, plugs, random stuff

For ‘Silence of the Lambs’ fans

My friend Chupa and I are huge fans of the movie. We would always quote different parts of it, one of our favorites being when Buffalo Bill asks Kathryn Martin if she’s about a size 14. When he discoveres that she is he says, “oh good, good”. It’s really creepy and we would find ourselves inserting that phrase into just about any kind of conversation and instantly start cracking up.

This morning she left a link to ‘It Rubs the Lotion on It’s Skin’ on my FB wall and I cracked up, laughing so hard I cried, trying to do that silent laughter so as not to miss anything. It’s brilliant!

I don’t know how many times I saw the movie and read the book when I was a sightie, but now I’ve got the described mp3 and the audio book and both have been listened to numerous times. I can’t get enough of it and probably never will. It’s definitely one of my alltime favorite books and movies.

And the song just topped it off.

1 Comment

Filed under Audio books, fellowship, funnies, random stuff, youtube