Category Archives: doc

From the Desk of my Sleep Deprived Cat Audio

So every time I write a sleep deprived post, which is a really odd tradition to have but I seem to have made it a tradition because as soon as I decided to say screw it and get up at 5:30 this morning after laying awake since at least 4:00 I thought, I’ll need to write a post. I also always seem to write really rambly run on sentences in these. I planned on starting this post another way but then a described movie started in iTunes even though I swear I set them all to skip when shuffle so I had to go do that in iTunes. It was The Glenn Miller Story, have you seen that?

Right, so I meant to start off this post by saying I always look back on the previous sleep deprived post when I write one of these. In the last one, I wrote about how I had to have a colonoscopy because of my recurring diverticulitis and I was all doom and gloom about it, being pretty sure there’d be nothing they could do about it, that they were just ruling out something more serious, my life was already messed up so throw more at me oh woe is me cry me a river pour me another. Well guess what? Yeah, gastro doc said, “everything looks fine, you only have a small area of diverticula, keep taking the fiber and probiotics and you should be fine.”

Hmmm, will it really be that simple? Well that was back in April, the bum hose and I’ve been taking the supplements as suggested since and I’ve been fine. I even found the probiotics he recommended on Amazon for way cheaper than they were at Walgreens. I signed up to have them delivered every month and saved even more. So all my woe is me talk was just silly.

So this morning I was laying on the couch for a bit with Timmy and he was purring like crazy so I decided to grab a quick voice note.

In that I mention that his front paws are declawed and I say I don’t believe in that. I just want to clarify what I meant. I just can’t knowingly cut off a cat’s first knuckle. My mom and I always trained our cats not to claw the furniture. I’ve lost that battle in this apartment since B never trained Fi not to claw furniture so there was no point in trying to train Spinelli. So yeah, that’s what I meant by not believing in declawing. When I listened back on that I thought that was an odd choice of wording haha.

At one point I jingle Timmy’s bell collar and it made me think of Carin and Steve. Bells!

Timmy totally sounds like a pidgin at one point. I’m not sure if it’s really as funny as I thought or if I’m just delirious from sleep deprivation.

I totally couldn’t stop the recording at the end. the ol’ two finger double tap no longer works in iOS 7.0.3 I guess.

So how bout that for some sleep deprived fun with cats? First time I’ve put audio in one of these I think. I haven’t slept well the last few nights. Nature calls and wakes me up and I can’t get back to sleep for awhile. This morning I just gave up. I realized after I’d already had coffee that I forgot to use my meditation bells. Gah! Reading that last post, I sure remembered them then! Grrr. Just hope I sleep tonight.
I wrote this post much later in the day than normal for this category. It’s 1:33pm, do you know where your feet are?

I write the word “so” too much.

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Filed under Amazon, cats, coffeeholic, doc, Fi, iPhone, iTunes, mom, plugs, random stuff, silly girl, Sleep Deprived Fun, Timmy

Let the Updating Begin

Ro? Who’s that? Oh wait, is that the chick with the guide dog named Jayden? Yeah, I remember her. She kinda disappeared though, didn’t she?

Hola one reader I have left haha. My friends on Twitter know I’m alive but for those of you who read here and for future me, the posting has been sparse, I know. I haven’t been well most of this year so far. Even the book posts had become daunting, trying to think enough through brain fog. So as a result, I’m behind on book posts and general updating.

I had to have a colonoscopy last month because I kept having recurring episodes of diverticulitis even though I thought I was doing everything necessary to prevent it, avoiding nuts and seeds, exercising though that had become sporadic due to the pain of the diverticulitis blah blah blah.

After the attack in March my doc made me see a gastroenterologist and he wanted to do the colonoscopy to check me out. He said surgery might be an option so I was preparing for that possibility. He started me on daily fiber and probiotics to make sure everything wasn’t inflamed for the procedure and I instantly started feeling better.

The preparation for that procedure was horrible! I had to drink stuff the night before and couldn’t eat the whole day before, then I had to drink stuff the morning of and I won’t go into the gory details but I was most definitely emptied out.

B and Jayden came with me and the nurse said when B led Jayden away once I was on the gurney, Jayden kept looking back like, but, um, what?

I was a little nervous about the anesthesia but the nurse explained that it’s a very light drug, not a narcotic, you go under quick and come out quick. When the doc injected the IV, the nurse said I should be feeling sleepy. I said, “I’m not feeling sleepy at all.” Then I woke up. They made sure my vitals were good then went and got B and Jayden. Jayden was so happy to see me he put his front paws up on the gurney even though he knows that sort of behavior is forbidden haha! B said Jay slept in the lobby but when he woke up he kinda freaked out a little bit. One of the medical staff was telling B and me how terrified of dogs she was since she grew up in the Philippines and there are a lot of wild dogs there that chased her when she was a child. She actually pet Jayden and he licked her hand. She was telling all her coworkers, “did you see me pet the dog!?!” It was so cool!

I was so glad that thing was over and the doctor told me afterwards that he didn’t see the need for surgery, just keep on fiber and probiotics. Yay! Probiotics tip, get them on Amazon. Much cheaper! Oh and he said the nuts and seeds thing doesn’t hold true anymore. He said eat what I want, just stay on fiber and probiotics. Oh, almonds, oh, tomatoes, oh, happy!

So that hurdle was cleared just in time for the next one, a massive staff infection. I’m the luckiest girl in the world! Again, I’ll spare you the gory details but here’s a tip, if you get an eruption of painful boils on your arse, take that arse to the doc and fast. I ended up getting a shot of antibiotics in said arse, a culture sent to the lab, a nasal ointment to kill the staff that lives in the nose and a course of oral antibiotics. I grossed out the nurse practitioner and made my doc exclaim, “ouch!” when she came in and saw me. Fun! We were all a little nervous that it was the antibiotic resistant strain of staff but it wasn’t, thank God.

Antibiotic tip, always always always take the full course prescribed. Always. These bugs are getting resistant to antibiotics because people stop taking them when they feel better and they leave one little bug in their body that learns how to adapt to our medicines and then tells its friends. So please, always take your full course and don’t push your doctor to give you antibiotics for things like colds. It’s possible I have success with antibiotics because I only take them when absolutely necessary too. If you take them all the time, eventually they won’t work in your body. Also, if you get boils, be very very careful with the stuff that comes out of them. If it happens to be staff, it is highly contagious. I was grateful I used to work in medicine and knew how to care for contagions.

All this staff stuff went on a week before I was getting on a plane to go to Colorado to visit Chupa and go to a Rays game. That’ll be it’s own post or two coming soon with links to photos, audio and video. I wrote on Twitter last night that I’d write at least a post per day until I was caught up with book and trip posts. If it’s on the internet, it must be true. All the illness and then the trip took its toll on the MS and my body but I think I’m bouncing back, knock on wood.

Oh before I wrap this up, I want to give kudos to Jay and his terrific work when we went for the meet and greet with the gastro doc. We took paratransit for that one and the office was under construction so not only was it a brand new place that neither of us knew, there was walking between buildings and following medical staff. Jayden did excellent work as usual. I’ve thrown a lot at him the last few months and he’s done nothing but keep me safe and sane through it all. Good boy!

Edit: The staff had nothing to do with the colonoscopy. The boils started before that procedure.

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Filed under Amazon, doc, Doggy Diaries, humor as coping skill, Jayden, sicky sick, silly girl, spoons, twitter me this, working dog

From the Desk of My Somewhat Sleep Deprived Mind

I’m going to make a sleep deprived label I’ve decided. Yep, it’s that time again so I went and did a search for my sleep deprived posts and they’re getting up there. Best to have a label, yeah? It’s currently 6:04am as I begin this post. I’ve been up for awhile and I should have seen this coming. The other morning I realized I was awake and after some time, finally checked the time. Time. Let’s write it again. Time. It was 2:30. Whoa baby! How bout no? I lay there thinking I needed to put the meditation bells on. I have this app called AmbiSci 300 and it’s got all sorts of ambient sounds. The meditation bells are perfect for lulling me back to sleep. I just stick my phone under my pillow. It takes some time but it works.

That time I fought to get back to sleep because I was fighting an infection and knew I needed my rest. This time, damn that was only a few days ago I think, I just gave up. Did that make sense? No. But do these posts ever make sense? I decided when I checked the time and it was 4am, that that was late enough to just get up and make coffee since it was pretty obvious it was time for another sleep deprived day. I usually sleep really well though I had to laugh when I read the last sleep deprived post that my doctor had asked how I was sleeping and I told her fine only to not sleep that night.

Speaking of the doctor, I love her but I’m seeing her too much lately. Did I see her last Monday? I think so yeah. I told her it was much nicer to run into her at Joe’s Crab Shack than to be constantly seeing her at the office. I’m just falling apart, ya’ll!

I have a meet and greet with my new gastro doc in April. Yep, a gastro doc. I get to have a hose in me bum. What? A colonoscopy. Weeeeeee! I had more diverticulitis even though I’m doing absolutely everything I’m supposed to in order to prevent it. Nothing with seeds. No nuts. No tomatoes unless diced. I’m even avoiding lettuce after reading that it’s difficult to digest. I take a fiber supplement. I exercise regularly. Still I got the pain. That’s just not normal, doc says. I was expecting her to say I had to have the bum hose when I got that last attack. Now It’s just the damn waiting. Hurry up and wait. It’s not even like there’s probably anything that can be done anyway. They’ll just go in and make sure nothing more serious is going on and then that’s it. Maybe I’m being too cynical but at this point in my life, after living sick for so many years I’m just like whatever dude, throw more at me. Might as well. My life is already incredibly limited and messed up, why not give me more? Bring it! Hey, maybe I’m given all the stuff that others wouldn’t be able to handle so they don’t have to handle it. Not that I believe that any of us are given anything on purpose, but sometimes it’s nice when I’m giving myself a pep talk out of depression to think that maybe I’m preventing someone else from going through what I go through even though I know that’s not true. It’s not like I went blind so you wouldn’t have to and it’s not like I have MS so you don’t have to and it’s not like I have to get a bum hose so you don’t have to because guess what? Even if you’re the healthiest person alive, you’ll still have to get a bum hose one day if you stay on top of your screenings bwah ha ha ha!

My cat, Timmy, is snoring on the couch next to me and Jayden is on the floor at my feet which is odd because usually he’s on the couch with me. All the animals are like, what are you doing up? And Jayden is probably like, when the coffee is on, I’m usually not hungry and my bladder is usually relieved so wtf? Yes, my dog thinks wtf ok?

So if the narrator you’ve always thought should narrate your memoir says you should write your memoir when you tell her that you want her to narrate it but then you’d have to write it, you have to write it, right? I also got to thinking, now that my blog is hosted, if I die, it’ll go away. That’s a terrible thought. If I die, will someone figure out where I’m hosted and pay it? Hahaha! So then I thought back to Lorelei King tweeting me to “do it, baby!” and I was like, well at least that would be a legacy but then who am I to leave a legacy? I’m no one. If I wrote my memoir, would you read it? People have told me from the beginning of my blindness that I needed to write my story. However what voice has stuck with me? The negative one. I need to shut that voice up. Maybe if I wrote a memoir I could be somewhat self supporting because damn, relying on something other than myself for income really sucks. Then again, authors are going broke since people only want to pay ninety-nine cents for a book on their stupid electronic devices so really, can anyone make money selling books anymore unless they’re Stephen King?

Alrighty then I think that’s about all I have. I think I’ll publish this thing and then go add a sleep deprivation label of some sort. It’s 6:25am, do you know where your teeth are?

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Filed under coffeeholic, doc, humor as coping skill, I might be a writer, Jayden, plugs, rambles, random stuff, sicky sick, Sleep Deprived Fun, spoons, Timmy

My Week in Five er, Six Songs

A fun sounding writing prompt came up yesterday but I wasn’t sure I’d do it. this morning a song popped in my head and I started thinking of other songs to fit into a five song playlist to describe my week. I picked last Monday to today. Can you guess the song before clicking the link? All the links are you tubes and they open in a new window.

Last Monday I had to go to the doctor and she wants me to have a procedure. It’s just a procedure and not surgery, but I hope the gastroenterologist isn’t like this surgeon.

Tuesday I tried to gather enough energy to get ready for an out of town guest. I tried to find a good song about out of town guests but all I found were songs about weddings. Huh? B’s dad was here for a visit Wednesday and we hung out until Friday afternoon when he and B drove up to Phoenix for Spring Training. He flew out this morning (B just got home and said his dad missed his flight. It was crazy in Phoenix this weekend with the World Baseball Classic and Spring Training and apparently it’s spring break this week too.) and B will be back today. (Yeah, he’s already back. Can YOu tell I started this post awhile ago?) I got to prepare some food for myself that I don’t normally eat much of when I eat with B, so I thought I’d find a song about cooking. It’s fun to sing while you cook. My shrimp was dead.

I was sad the night B and his dad left so after I cooked dinner I treated myself to another season of my favorite comedy. Happy making! The show kept me company for the weekend.

The rest of the time, I listened to my favorite sport. If you don’t know what that is without clicking the link, you don’t know me at all!

Last night I went to bed early so I could get up early this morning to get ready for Jayden’s wellness check vet appointment. (He earned a clean bill of health again!) I told B on the phone last night I felt really old going to bed so early and this morning my hips hurt and my knees were popping as I was getting ready and the song that came to mind let me know I had to follow the writing prompt and write this post. I could not find the original recording of that song on youtube, so I picked that cover out of the several I listened to. It reminded me of my dad sitting around singing country songs and playing his guitar while I was growing up.

Ok, bonus round. Back in my karaoke days my friend L did this song and I’ve tried to find it for years but never knew the artist or enough lyrics. The other day I found myself singing it to Jayden, replacing the word “ladies” with his name. I finally remembered I have the Sound Hound app and after humming the song to it, I finally found it! Don’t worry, the subject matter does not pertain at all to my life. 😉

How many songs did you guess? Leave me a comment and tell me. I won’t know if you lie, but your dog will. Huh?

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Filed under apple Inc, baseball, cool product, doc, family, Jayden, music, num num food, plugs, vet visit, youtube

Smoke Free One Year

When I was a smoker, I tended to be a bit of a closet smoker. I tried keeping it from my family and you’ll notice if you’re a long time reader here, that I kept it off my blog, too.

I was always ashamed of smoking, especially since my mom died of lung cancer. Smoking is also such an enormous waste of money. I’m happy to say, though still rather embarrassed to admit that I smoked, that I have been smoke free a year today!

I don’t know how many times I tried to quit over the years. I tried the patch, the lozenges, the gum, nothing ever worked. The longest I went was four days. I tried quitting on July 4, 2011 (what better day to get independence from nicotine?) and caved on the seventh over writing stress. I begged B to stop and get me smokes. In my sighted days I tried to quit and one time the urge to drink was so strong I decided to smoke instead.

I knew the last chance for me would be Chantix so I asked my doctor if she thought I could handle the drug. I was afraid of the mental side effects we all hear about and had known someone who wanted to kill herself on the drug. She admitted she already had severe depression before she started Chantix so I figured I’d be ok since I only had depression in spurts. My doctor and I are pretty sure that my murder of the coffee maker about ten months after I quit smoking had a lot to do with the chemical changes in the brain that nicotine causes. It might have been a good idea to go on Lexapro sooner, but hindsight and all that.

So I started Chantix at the end of 2011. My doctor said to pick a quit date and start Chantix a week before that. I didn’t do that though since in the past, quit dates had never worked for me. Not long after starting the medication the urge to smoke became less and less and I would rarely smoke a whole one. Finally I gave my last unopened pack away and finished the ones I had. The next day was the seventh and I haven’t touched a cigarette since!

All my previous attempts at quitting armed me with a lot of knowledge. I knew what my triggers were and I told myself there was no excuse to smoke, none. I made everyone promise to say no to me if I asked them to get me smokes. Being blind in this case was an added bonus since I couldn’t hop in the car though nothing kept me from calling a cab, so I told myself that wasn’t an option.

I armed myself with a new crochet project, made sure I had plenty of audio books, avoided the phone since that was a huge trigger for me, and gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted but for no more than two months.

I told myself I would gain twenty pounds and that was ok. Basically I eliminated every excuse that every smoker has for lighting up. When Gamma fell and broke her hip a month later, the fact that I got through that without picking up a cigarette proved to me that I could get through anything.

I didn’t keep the eating up for two months haha. After I finished the Super Bowl snacks I get every year, I was done with the junk food. I still sucked on hard candy but even those didn’t last long. I developed a taste for flavored coffee creamer though and after I went through a big bottle in five days I realized I had to limit myself on that haha! I rarely have a cup with creamer now.

I did put on that twenty pounds, but the exercising before hand kept my shape pretty much the same. My jeans got too small though. A year later I can fit back into them but they’re still a little snug.

I didn’t stay on Chantix as long as is recommended. It made me incredibly sick to my stomach so after being quit a month I asked my doctor if I could go off it. She said if I thought I could stay off the smokes, to go ahead. I felt pretty confident because I was loving being a non-smoker and loving the money I saved even more.

So that’s my story. I was a smoker and I hated to admit it. Now I’m a non-smoker and I’m damn proud! I just hope I quit in time…I’ll always have that fear now. *Fingers crossed*

PS – The closest post to the day I quit last year was the ninth and I totally lied, saying I had a stomach thing. Um, how bout no? I had started a stop smoking drug that made me sick and I didn’t want to admit it hahahaha!

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Filed under accomplishment, anniversary, coffeeholic, doc, Gamma, gratitude, mental health, mom, on this date, sobriety

Health Update and a Tasty Pasta Salad

I got too busy today to be able to dedicate time to the follow-up to yesterday’s post so I’m going to save that for tomorrow. Instead I’ll write an update on my latest medical stuff and share a “recipe”.

I saw my doctor today as a follow-up to my Urgent Care and ER visit. She didn’t tell me much that I didn’t know from doing my own research but it was good to hear it all from her and get positive feedback on the food choices I’ve been making during the last week or so. That first week was all about recovering and eating just enough to stay nourished while allowing my system to fully repair itself. I had to stay away from high fiber foods which I hadn’t been too sure about but my doctor explained why today. I won’t be writing that here since I’m going to be talking about food haha! Long story short, everything checked out and I’m good to go.

So since I was limited on what kinds of things I could eat and since the Urgent Care freaked me out when they thought it could be gallbladder, I’ve decided to prepare most of my own foods now. I’ll admit, it has just been easier to eat what B eats and he likes to eat from restaurants and such. This is ok for the most part because I have really figured out how to eat fairly healthy from restaurants where you get a big choice. However B also likes his fast food and I won’t be eating that anymore. So on those nights, I’ll either heat up some progresso soup if I don’t feel like cooking or like I did today, I’ll make something.

I’ve never been one who likes following recipes unless they’re my mom’s old recipes. I’ve always just created food. So after deciding to make this change I ordered a nice pasta pot from Amazon that has a built-in colander for easily straining pasta and a steamer basket for veggies and such. I hardboiled eggs the other day and it’s a breeze just lifting out the colander and putting it into an ice bath. I love this thing!

I got spiral pasta, I can’t remember the proper Italian name. I’ll be switching to whole wheat pasta but I couldn’t do high fiber right away so I’m using this box up first. The first thing I made last week was a cup of pasta and a can of tuna with the steamed mixed veggies. I like the stir fry mix with snow peas and water chestnuts. Yum!

Tonight though, oh this was delicious! I boiled a cup of pasta and tossed it with some olive oil and garlic salt and set it aside. I steamed the mixed veggies and some frozen shrimp. When that was done I tossed it in with the pasta, some more garlic salt, a handful of unsalted peanuts and some black olives. Oh, so tasty! I chilled it and when B got home with his Burger King, I enjoyed my chilled pasta salad. It was so good!

It is so easy too. I mean the first time I did that pasta and tuna mix I didn’t expect it to be as good as it was. I can’t wait to try something else tomorrow since I’m making B his hotdogs haha.

One of the things I really want to do is simmer some chicken in broth or even cream of mushroom soup, shred it and add that cold to pasta. I never realized how much I enjoy cold pasta salads and there’s just no limit to what you can create!

Oh, and I lost six pounds in two weeks haha. I’m really not trying to lose though I can stand to lose some after this crazy year has really messed up my exercise routine. The combination of the three day liquid diet and now this change in what I eat and the weight is pouring off. Nothing like a little health scare to really make me change my ways! I was eating fairly healthy before but I was definitely doing too much fast food. No more!

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Filed under doc, mom, NaBloPoMo 2012, num num food

It Smelled Like Going Blind

“The sense of smell can be extraordinarily evocative, bringing back pictures as sharp as photographs of scenes that had left the conscious mind.” – Thalassa Cruso

This is long so grab some coffee or tea or chicken broth.

Saturday night I took B out for steak dinner for his birthday. It was pretty good but I didn’t know this particular restaurant cooks green beans in over salted bacon grease. When I felt nauseous after laying down Saturday night, I blamed the few fork fulls of the disgusting greens I had eaten while trying to convince myself they didn’t taste that bad. I guessed I had just eaten too much of them because I din’t think a plain filet and plain mashed potatoes would make me feel so sick. My extremities had also begun to hurt but I thought that was just because I was due for my nightly nerve pill.

Sunday morning I woke up with the worst headache of my life. I also had a pain on the right side of my abdomen near my belly button. Again I blamed it on the food and thought maybe the Lexapro might be partly to blame because some of the side effects are headache and slowing of the erm, lower digestive system. I wasn’t awake for very long before I decided to drink some mil of magnesia and see if getting things moving a little faster would ease the pain. It didn’t and only seemed to bring the nausea back and increase the headache.

B got up a little while later and when he turned the TV on the sound went straight to my brain. The pain was as bad as that of driving at night with a migraine when light from oncoming cars enters the eyes. It wasn’t hard to decide to go lay back in bed so I shuffled into the bedroom, switched on my white noise maker and climbed into bed. That was where I spent all of Sunday.

I never spend entire days in bed. Even when I have bad MS days, I just lay on the couch. It has to be really bad to keep me in bed for an entire day. I even ate in bed. I couldn’t stand sitting up on the couch long enough to do anything. When I first got into bed the headache was so bad I didn’t even put on my audio book. I just pulled the covers tightly around me as cold began to set into my bones and my body began aching even more. The headache and body aches distracted me from the abdominal pain, that’s for sure. Probably around noon the headache began to ebb after lots and lots of fluids and some ibuprofen. Every blow from the referee’s whistle as B watched football in the living room still cut through my white noise machine and dragged long fingernails down the chalkboard in my head. I decided to stay in the bedroom to keep the headache from coming back.

As the day wore on I had moments of intense cold under the covers and then moments of feeling ok. I was able to take Jayden out like normal but that was about it. Luckily I was able to tolerate my audio book so I just lay in bed and read and Jayden snoozed beside me on his bed.

Eventually I knew I had to be running a fever. I was freezing but my skin felt warm even to me. When B came in to check on me, he felt my forehead and agreed so I got up to get the thermometer. I still don’t have one that talks so B had to read it. It was 100.6. It had been so long since I had had a fever that I almost forgot what to do for one. Oh yes, Tylenol, wipe the skin with a cool cloth, ok, yes, fluids, lots of fluids, bring the fever down, the MS doesn’t like fever, the MS can get royally pissed off and start making my immune system attack me if I run a fever, bring the fever down, bring it down.

I wet a washcloth and wiped my face and the cloth became warm where it touched my skin. I grabbed my ice pack and took it and the washcloth back to bed and swallowed two Tylenol. I lay in bed with the ice pack on my stomach and alternated the cloth on my forehead and behind my neck. I was freezing. Then soon I wasn’t. I finished my book and began another. I was warm. My body had begun to melt the ice pack. I kicked the covers off. I was uncomfortable but the fever was beginning to break. I checked it again. 100.2. Down four tenths. I went to sleep after telling B I was calling my doctor in the morning.

Unfortunately she had no available appointment so I found an urgent care and B came home around noon to take me. They got me back quickly and a nurse practitioner examined me after I described the pain as a four on a scale from one to ten unless the spot was touched then it was higher. At first she thought kidney but she told me she was going to thump my back and when she did it didn’t hurt. So she checked my abdomen and the pain was too high to be appendix so she thought maybe gallbladder which freaked me out. She asked if I had weight fluctuations which I have my whole life and if I’d recently eaten a high fat meal. I explained about the filet the night before and the green beans but she said the fatty meat she was thinking of was more like a prime rib. She then suggested going to the emergency room for an ultrasound to check my gallbladder since they didn’t have the proper equipment there to do that. At this point I started getting a little more scared. She wanted to check the urine sample I had given before settling on a possible gallbladder problem but that came back normal so it was the emergency room. Joy.

She asked which hospital and I named the one I had been to for my two big MS flairs and she sent all my info there and said they were expecting me so off we went. We signed in and a man asked B for the envelope please and I cracked a joke about him sounding like an award show host but no one laughed and my mood darkened and we sat and they called me back to triage somewhat quickly and then had me sit in the lobby again. It wasn’t too crowded but I could feel the anxiety starting to try and boil up. Thank God I’m on Lexapro. I mean really, thank God. The Ellen Show was on the nearby TV so I just tried to focus on that. It didn’t take too incredibly long for them to call me again and Jayden jumped up the minute he heard my name, which made me laugh.

This time we were led deeper into the emergency department to my room and as we walked, memories flooded back to me, memories of the last time I had been there, the smells were the same and instantly I could picture the emergency department since that is the last place I saw. It smelled like going blind. I began to cry as I walked between Jayden and B. The nurse let us to my cot and told me to undress from the waist up and put the gown on and then she left and I lost it when B asked if I was in pain. I told him it smelled like going blind and he said it all came rushing back to him too. We had a moment there, standing in the tiny cubicle, wondering what came next.

There was a whole lotto waiting. I texted and tweeted and emailed and B watched ESPN. It made me think of House after B said they had cable. Honestly how can you not think of House when in a hospital? It was specifically the cable though and if you’re a House fan, you’ll know why.

After a bit everyone came in at once. The doctor, two med students and a nurse to draw blood and start my IV. Why they ran a bag of saline through me is beyond me, probably because they could get fifty bucks from Medicare for it. The doctor asked some questions and examined me and when I said the nurse practitioner at the urgent care suspected gallbladder he palpated just under my ribs and it didn’t hurt. He found where it hurt and the medical student said, “that’s too low to be gallbladder.” Yes, Thirteen, you are correct. The doctor said my pain was between my appendix and gallbladder which was curious and he wanted a CT scan. I said I was there for an ultra sound. I wonder if he rolled his eyes. He said that wouldn’t do any good since he didn’t want to focus on the gallbladder. They all left and we waited some more.

The bag of IV fluid was ready to come out not long after and I don’t mean out of my arm. I pressed the call button and told the voice on the speaker that I needed the restroom but was hooked to an IV. Fifteen minutes later no one had come so I just had B get the bag off the hook and the bag was empty. I shoved it in my pocket, grabbed Jayden and B helped us find the restroom. After that we waited some more and then the radiology tech came to tell me to take the remainder of my clothes off and she’d be back soon to take me for the scan. We waited some more and then I left Jayden with B when they came for me. I told him to stay and be a good boy and I’d be right back and as soon as we were out of ear shot I started crying. I knew he must be wondering what on earth was going on. If hospitals are scary for children, how must they be for dogs?

I told the woman that I went blind in this hospital, about going into the MRI machine with a little vision left and coming out with none. She was stunned and said I wouldn’t go blind this time. I laughed and said I’m already blind. She said I wouldn’t go any blinder and I laughed and she complimented my sense of humor. I should have thanked her for being the only person with a sense of humor in the entire emergency department.

The scan was quick, just a transfer to another table and then an electronic voice gave me breathing instructions. When I was brought back I was very happy to see Jayden. B said he did fine, he looked after me for a bit when I was taken, then B gave him some kibble and he lay down. I was happy B had done this. When I first handed the leash to him after the CT scan lady left I told him the kibble was in my bag and to give him a few pieces. I’m glad he took it upon himself to give Jayden some after I was gone. I like to make experiences as positive for him as possible and he is very highly food motivated. He was allowed to eat more than I was. When we left the urgent care I was given strict instructions not to eat or drink anything. B thought it was because of the ultrasound I was originally going to have but I told him it was probably in case I needed emergency surgery and that’s what it was. After the CT scan we didn’t see any matter of nurse or doctor. I knew Jayden would need a bathroom break because it was already well after his normal feed and relieve time. I just said screw it and crammed the empty IV bag back in my pocket and out we went. A nurse tried to stop me, saying they prefer the patients to stay in the hospital but I said no one had been to see me in hours and I am the one with the rights, not B, not my dog and he could be denied re-entry since we were unable to make arrangements with the hospital. It was well beyond the time he needed a potty break and I was taking him. I honestly don’t know how true what I said was but I was refusing to be separated from my dog. I was mobile and didn’t even have any medication in me and obviously the hospital thought I was find since no one had been by to check on me. So we marched out and Jayden peed a river. Poor guy. B decided he would run back to his office and grab his phone charger. He had left it since he had expected to return to work after the urgent care. I said that was a good idea and I bet him I still wouldn’t have any information by the time he returned. We got back to my cubicle and I proceeded to listen to the NLCS game seven between the Giants and Cardinals. I ran through obedience with Jayden, feeing him a decent portion of kibble, grateful I had thought to grab his afternoon snack and bring it along with his collapsable water bowl. I gave him some water out of my bottle and felt happy that of the three of us, he was fed, watered and relieved.

B called when he was heading back from the office and I still hadn’t seen the doctor. A nurse had poked her head in and said, “oh you’re back, the doctor will see you soon now that you’re back.” Really? You’re going to put this on the five minutes it took to let my dog pee? B called after that and I told him what she had said and he laughed. We hung up and just before he got back the doctor finally came in and told me I had diverticulitis That is a Mayo Clinic link I found this morning that is really useful. the doctor briefly told me to take my antibiotics, just drink some clear liquids over the next few days and then switch to easy to digest foods. Make a follow-up with your doctor etc. I asked if I could exercise and he said give it a few days. Then he was gone and soon B was there and I told him. I was very relieved not to be having surgery and I’m familiar with diverticulitis since my dad was diagnosed with diverticulosis when I still lived at home. That just means you have the sacs and could suffer from diverticulitis. Back then they thought that seeds and popcorn played a part but according to that Mayo Clinic link, they no longer believe that. It sounds like it might be my poor choices in the past that could have brought this on since I live pretty healthy these days. I did recently take time off from exercise while the weather had me in pain and it sounds like lack of exercise can bring this on as well. I believe I had it last year also, when the nurse practitioner at my doctor’s office diagnosed me with a kidney infection even though the urine wasn’t conclusive. She based it all on the fact that I jumped when she thumped my back. I told her I jumped because I wasn’t expecting it, not because it hurt. So the two nurse practitioners I’ve seen are zero for two though at least this last one thought it was something serious enough to warrant an ER visit. I see my doctor in two weeks for a follow-up. It was the soonest she could see me.

We waited at least another thirty minutes and then the discharge nurse finally came in. B and I had already worked out that we’d take care of getting my antibiotics and broth and everything today since we were both exhausted by the time the hospital was going to let me go. The nurse went on and on about nearby twenty-four hour pharmacies and I just nodded in agreement rather then explain that we had already made our plans. He handed me the discharge papers and told me my prescriptions were stapled on top, the first one being oxycodone. I began shaking my head vigorously and telling the nurse I didn’t need that, I hadn’t even taken ibuprofen and the doctor had said nothing about pain medication but the nurse just said if I didn’t want it, don’t fill it. B exclaimed, “no wonder so many people are addicted to pills!” and I agreed, both of us beginning to rant and then realizing it wasn’t the nurse’s fault. We got the heck out of there and I swore I’d never go back. I’m obviously not filling the prescription for oxycodone. However that must be the hospital to go to if you’re a drug seeker since I didn’t even ask for Tylenol and they handed me a narcotic. Disgusting.

While we were walking to the car Jayden suddenly stopped and relieved himself. B was like, “he’s going! He’s going! Do you have a bag?” Do I have a bag. Silly man. First rule of guide dog handling, always have a bag. I theatrically pulled a bag from my pocket and snapped it open. Jayden immediately moved as far from the mess as he could and B asked why. “He’s ashamed when he goes in harness,” I explained. I wasn’t angry with him at all. He had done a lot of walking in the hospital and I was just glad he waited until we got outside. We got home at eight o’clock and I fed and relieved Jayden and then we went to bed. I was so relieved to be home in my own bed with Jayden and my cats and my man. I had had awful visions of being stuck in the hospital for days. What. A. Day.

This morning I woke up starving. I hadn’t eaten anything since Sunday. A little over an hour ago B brought me some low sodium Swanson’s chicken broth, some bouillon and apple juice. He was going to call me from the pharmacy so I turned to Google to compare bouillon to liquid broth and ran across my favorite fitness site and a liquid diet with calories article. Score! It recommended both forms of broth so I got both. I got the low sodium Swanson’s since the article recommended low sodium when possible. I tell you, that Swanson’s chicken broth tasted so incredibly delicious after not eating since Sunday! I chugged some apple juice before it was even cold and thought, well this isn’t so bad. My belly felt full and I tasted something other than water and coffee. I laughed at myself and thought, ask me again tomorrow if this isn’t so bad. Luckily I can drink coffee and tea with no cream which is how I drink it anyway but I’ve mostly only wanted water since the coffee makes me a little nauseous. After a few days of the liquid diet I can start introducing low fiber foods and then after that get back to a normal fiber intake. I find it odd that a diet low in fiber contributes to the problem yet while recovering from it fiber must be avoided.

It was quite an ordeal but we all made it through ok and I didn’t have to go under the knife. Jayden didn’t seem phased by it in the slightest. After the smells brought back all the memories of my last visit and the not so pleasant experience this time, I think I’ll be looking for a new hospital. I just hope I won’t need one for a very long time.

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Filed under cats, coffeeholic, doc, humor as coping skill, Jayden, mental health, misty eyes, sicky sick, working dog

My First Week on Lexapro – The Drug Might Have Saved a Leaf Blower Man

Today is a week since I began taking 10mg of Lexapro daily to help with my depression and anxiety. I know I’m not yet feeling the full effects of the drug since it takes about a month for this kind of thing to really build up in the system but the placebo effect is strong in this one. Tell me this pill is going to make me feel better and just the knowledge that relief will come will make me feel better. It’s like when you’re starving but you know you’ll eat soon, you can make it, but if you don’t know when your next meal is coming it’s harder to make it through.

I feel like my hands have been freed and I can reach my tools again. I know how to cope and get through life but I couldn’t reach out and grab that knowledge. It was like the depression and anxiety were shackles binding my wrists. I now feel like those shackles have been loosened enough for me to get one hand free. Life is looking up, just knowing that my brain chemistry will be getting back on track.

The first few days I was a little apprehensive. I wasn’t told about side effects and I didn’t look them up. A friend told me she had headaches on Lexapro so wouldn’t you know, I started having headaches. I looked up Lexapro and headaches and sure enough, lots of people have had that problem though headache isn’t listed as a side effect. I found a forum were several people said the headaches went away after a week or so for most so I had hopes that they would for me too and they have. I started taking Advil when I felt a headache coming on and now I don’t even need that. I also experienced some pretty bad nausea when I ate but luckily that has gone as well. Too bad, I need to lose some weight after being so inactive. 😉

This week I returned to the gym. My doctor cleared me to exercise when I saw her last week and I’m so grateful. I know exercise will help with the depression as well and now that the weather has chilled out and I feel better physically, I feel like I’m in the home stretch. It was so great to get back and see my friends this week and today Jayden flirted with a new guide dog in the restroom.

Yesterday was a huge test of my psyche. I don’t do well with loud noise. If the police were ever to need to flush me out of a building all they would need to do would be to cause a lot of noise and I’d come out willingly. Yesterday morning I was relaxing, reading Twitter, contemplating doing a home workout, sitting on the couch with Jayden, when this God awful noise started. I thought it might be a leaf blower but the sound was more shrill. Turns out it was indeed a leaf blower. I began to live tweet about it and last night I copied the tweets to include in this post since I’m pretty sure something would have happened had I not been medicated. So, here are the tweets:

Noise outside, no clue what it is, combo leaf blower/wee wacker? OMG my head is gonna split open. Help! 8:39am

This could be a headline: “Blind woman accused of murdering a leaf blower in AZ” 8:47am

Reminder, a leaf blower is an inanimate object. Can it be considered an appliance? 8:50am

I’ve been known to murder appliances. Ok seriously, this dude needs to move the eff off. 8:51am

Why is he focusing on my apartment? I think he wants to kidnap me. Like Wanda Sykes’ comedy skit. 8:52

(Reply to friend asking me to just be sure to get out of prison by Opening Day) I just want to break his stupid appliance. Not him. That’ll be a slap on the wrist. 8:52am

My dog is starting to get stressed. What do I do? This dude won’t effing stop! 8:56am

Just when I think he’s leaving, he comes back. This is insane! 8:57am

I think he’s finally moving on to torture another apartment. Do I dare hope?9:00am

Hey leaf blower man, you’re lucky I’m medicated now. That’s all I have to say. He’s finally gone far enough, I hope. 9:09am

(Reply to friend telling me her old landlord threatened a leaf blower man with a gun) Oh geez! I would obviously never threaten this guy but he was out here much longer than normal. My head, oh my head. 9:13am

As you can see, the leaf blowing went on for a good half hour. He kept coming back to my door. I have no idea why he kept coming back and I was so tempted to open the door and scream at him or call the office and scream at them. Luckily I did neither. The stress of it exhausted me though and I ended up putting on comedy on ootunes to try and relax and recover. I ended up doing this for about six hours though I had no idea that much time had passed. I included two more tweets here to show how much time had gone buy:

Catching up on Twitter and I’m a little nervous to find out how that 23 mile skydive went. 3:13pm

Oh, apparently my nerves were all for not as the jump was aborted. 3:15pm

I was definitely still feeling anxious and had the worst case scenario in my head while reading tweets about that guy who wants to do a twenty-three mile skydive. Today I feel a little more hopeful about that haha!

So, that’s my first week on Lexapro. I’m excited that my life seems to be getting back on track and I think I’ll be able to handle the next curve ball a little more easily. Lexapro is my hitting coach. Can you tell it’s a day of baseball? Listened to the Nationals/Cardinals while at the gym and now it’s Reds/Giants. Gotta love playoff baseball but I sure wish my Rays had made it.

Oh, another possible side effect of Lexapro is the desire to switch to hot tea from coffee in the afternoons. That one is a little bizarre. 😉

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Filed under baseball, coffeeholic, doc, faith, gratitude, guide dogs, humor as coping skill, Jayden, mental health, twitter me this, workouts

From the Desk of My Sleep Deprived and Hopeful Mind

I suppose it’s time for another sleep deprived stream of conscious post. And now I have to Google “stream of conscious”, because I can never remember if that’s correct. See it’s a good thing I turned to Google since it’s actually “stream of consciousness”. I think I knew that deep down but then I thought well conscious works too. I mean I’m conscious. I’m sleep deprived but I’m awake.

I woke up at around 2:30am. Mafia Guy Bladder woke me up and I checked the time because my body felt awake. You know those times? When you wake up and your body feels awake so you’re like oh it must be time to get up soon but you check the time and it’s only 2:30am? I could tell I wouldn’t get back to sleep. YOu just know. I gave it the old college try though. Lay there for an hour and then just wanted coffee.

What’s with the saying, “gave it the old college try”? Don’t we use that when we fail at something? Yeah I gave it the old college try but it just wasn’t meant to be. So are we referencing failing college?

The Rays gave it the college try but it wasn’t meant to be. They won last night but were eliminated when the A’s beat the Rangers. I don’t feel like talking about that.

I went to the doctor yesterday and had an anxiety attack. Yes! Yes? Yeah, I was happy about it. You know when your car is making a funny noise and you take it to the mechanic and it stops making the noise? I didn’t want that to happen. I mean I know my doc and she would believe me when I told her about the anxiety and depression but I’m just glad she got to see it. I had scheduled my appointment for 1:10, her first appointment after lunch. Paratransit got me there about 12:50 and they had to unlock the door to let me in. Receptionist said they’d call me up in a bit to check me in when it was time so I used the restroom, came out and sat down. I heard another paratransit and then I heard a white cane and a woman checking in. A slight pang of fear went through me, wondering if they signed her in ahead of me but I thought they knew that duh, I was there, right? Wrong. They called her back first even though I heard her say her appointment was at 1:20. Normally this kind of thing wouldn’t bother me. I know it’s usually a wait at the doc but at mine it’s never that bad. The problem is that taking paratransit means you’re always watching the clock. I thought I scheduled it fine, just like I always do. My return window began at 2:10, an hour after my scheduled appointment. It would have been fine, if it hadn’t been (for those meddling kids) a Monday first of all and then I later found out that they were implementing a new computer system as well.

By 1:30 I hadn’t been called back yet and I felt the anxiety well up. I gave myself a pep talk. If I miss my ride, it’s fine. It’s not going to harm me. I might wait awhile but it’s going to be fine. Stop panicking. Stop it. Oh crap there’s the tears. Well, at least she’ll see what I’ve been going through. When they took me back to do vitals the M.A. tried to help calm me down. I did a little and she said I’d be done by 2:10, the doctor was just finishing up and she’d be right with me. I sat in the room and time ticked by and I started dreaming of grabbing stuff and throwing it. When the doctor came in and saw me she said my dog looked worried. Not, oh hey what’s wrong, why are you crying. Your dog looks worried. My doctor is brilliant. Get me talking about my dog. Calm me down. I love that woman. She assured me I’d be done in time and we were just wrapping up when the driver got there. When you hope the driver will be late, they never are.

Long story short she checked my heart, it sounded fine, she ran through questions and I’m starting Lexapro. I couldn’t get it yesterday. Insurance problems. But of course, right? It’ll be a low dose. I’ve been on it before; it’s what they gave me when I went blind to help me ease into the adjustment. I probably should have just stayed on it. Oh well, lesson learned. I was also cleared to exercise again so yay! There is hope. I feel hope.

I do have to laugh though. She asked me if I’m sleeping. Oh yeah! I sleep great! It’s 4:40am as I write this and I’ve been awake for two hours haha!

I’m going to take a break from this for a minute. I’m hoping to record some blabbering later since I got a new mic so I don’t want to just write everything that’s on my mind and have nothing left to blabber about.

Well that wasn’t much of a break since Twitter is kinda slow. Speaking of Twitter, I has a funny. I’m going to include this in the audio too but this is just too good. Yesterday on the way to the doctor I was on the paratransit and wanted to send a tweet so I started typing in Fleksy listening with my Bluetooth headset. Unfortunately Voiceover just isn’t very loud on the Bluetooth and the paratransit van was noisy so I didn’t really hear Fleksy correctly. I tweeted the following:

@Raynaadi – I’m getting notion sink on this transport wide. #vomit

I didn’t know this until I got home and checked my mentions and Steve asked if I meant to tweet that or if it was an autocorrect fail. I thought with Fleksy you couldn’t have autocorrect fails but apparently that only works if you can really hear Voiceover well. Lesson learned, next time I’ll turn spell mode on when surroundings are loud. It sure made for a great belly laugh though when I really really needed a good belly laugh. I favorited the tweet for future laughs. I’ll definitely include it in the audio though since it’s funny to hear Voiceover say it.

It’s 4:54. I think I’ll edit and see what we’ve got.

I heard a Twitter mention and a DM. Wow both! I also have that Call Me Maybe song in my head. I started thinking about the Rays rookies dance number and now that song is in my head. *Shakes fist* damn you James Shields! I’ll get you! And your little meddling kids too! Or dog. Kids? Dog. Ding don the witch is dead! Another mention, shiny! Ok, that’s a wrap. A 30. It’s 5:16am. Do you know where your slippers are?

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Filed under assistive technologies, baseball, coffeeholic, doc, funnies, gratitude, humor as coping skill, Jayden, mental health, rambles, random stuff, screen reader, Sleep Deprived Fun, treat for me, twitter me this, Voiceover, workouts

Just when you think you’re getting better, you murder the coffee maker

After I murdered a cell phone a number of years ago, I am really good about not throwing electronics. Does a coffee maker count as an electronic? It’s an appliance, so perhaps not. So I think I’m still good in the not throwing electronics department.

Today was not a good day. Mr. Coffee thoroughly tipped me over after an unexpected change of plans let the veil of depression try to lower once more. It was creepy really, feeling it try and come back. I am hyper aware of my mental health lately after clawing my way out of the last horrible and paralyzing depression.

Today we were supposed to meet my uncle and aunt for lunch after they picked Gamma up. Gamma’s birthday is Monday so we were going to celebrate today. I was really looking forward to it. My uncle called at about ten this morning to let me know that Gamma had a bad night last night and didn’t want to go out today. He said he’d call me back since his house phone was ringing and it was most likely her. I hung up with him and continued listening to comedy on ootunes as I had been doing before he called.

B got up not long after that and I told him and said I was just waiting for my uncle to call back and give me more details. As time wore on I could literally feel my mood darken. I don’t remember ever feeling that before. I could feel the depression trying to seep back into me and I tried to fight it. B and I decided to do our normal Saturday thing and he stepped out for a minute to get lunch and I prepared my afternoon pot of coffee to have with lunch.

That’s when it got bad. Thank you, Mr. Coffee, for nothing. I had just bought that coffee maker a month ago after the last one barely made it a year. A year is at least better than a month. Today when I pushed the brew button nothing happened. It had been making a strange sound here and there but I thought it was just that noise that sometimes happens when there’s pressure between the hot plate and the decanter. I pressed the off button and the on button again. I tried moving plugs. Nothing happened. I lost it. I snapped. Completely snapped.

I had the presence of mind to take the glass part out of the thing before I slammed it down into the sink. I just kept slamming it in the sink and water and coffee grounds went flying. I was sobbing and raving and banging on the counter and I picked the thing up and cursed at it and went to throw it in the bathtub but then I told myself I’d just have coffee grounds in the tub so I set the thing back on the counter and began tearing at it, pulling it apart, ripping apart the plastic pieces. If I didn’t have animals to worry about I would have shattered the glass part. I collapsed on the kitchen floor after shoving the thing in the trash. I leaned against the cabinet, wet and messy with coffee grounds and sobbed.

I thought, I need to clean this up before B gets home. Then I thought, no he needs to see what I’ve done. I won’t hide. Hiding won’t help. So I went and sat on the carpet. Jayden tentatively came to me and just sat by my side. My breathing began to slow but tears still ran down my face. My uncle called.

I hid that I was crying. I wouldn’t hide from B but I would hide from my uncle. He said they had been to see Gamma. He apologized for not calling me back sooner. I could hear my tone was clipped and I think I sounded angry. I eventually sent him an email explaining that I had just murdered a coffee maker before he called and I was hiding my crying. He hasn’t written back. I hate to add to the stress that him and my dad are under. The last thing they need is to worry about me.

I got out my backup coffee maker that doesn’t make great coffee but it’s better than nothing. I set it up on the dry part of the counter and made a pot and was sitting on the couch after having gathered the courage to turn on the Rays game when B came home.

He acted like it was completely normal to come home to a beat up kitchen and destroyed coffee maker. He didn’t bat an eye at the fact that he couldn’t set his stuff down on the counter since it was covered in water and coffee grounds. I asked if he would call the men in white coats and he said he is the men in white coats and I agreed because he is. He said this is normal. It’s normal to beat up the kitchen? Yes, when you’re under the stress you’ve been under. He laughed. I relaxed.

It is normal. But I don’t like it. And I don’t want things to escalate. I thought of my friend who knew she needed help when she beat up the refrigerator. Is it coincidence that I already have an appointment with my doc on Monday? I think not.

I asked B if he thought I should get on some meds. He quietly said it couldn’t hurt. After a bit I asked if he had been afraid to say that, afraid I’d get mad. No, he wasn’t afraid of that. I asked if he had been wanting to suggest I go on meds. He said no, he would never tell me what to do. I said I value his opinion. He said nothing works unless you come to it on your own. Ah…how right he is.

He suggested a few different medications to talk with my doctor about. I don’t expect it to be a quick fix and I don’t expect to not still have to work on my mental health. When I first went blind I was put on meds to help me get through the adjustment period and I think I might need that now, though maybe more long term. I’ve been having some scary cardiovascular symptoms which I am finding out can be anxiety. I’m sure my doc will check for other things too but it is sure sounding like anxiety. Or too much coffee. Or both. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

So perhaps Mr. Coffee does deserve my thanks. Perhaps this shoddy coffee maker that only lasted a month was just the catalyst I needed to admit to myself that I need some chemical help to get through this latest upheaval.

I’m still switching brands though. B just called from the store. I’m going with a Hamilton Beach decanterless model. Let’s hope it lives a nice long life.

Oh, funny aside. Remember the first time I explained how not to spill coffee on electronics? I no longer use that wireless keyboard but of course I’m hanging onto it. Last night I moved it from behind my laptop and put it on the breakfast bar with the intention of taking it to the bedroom with me when I went to bed so I could put it in a drawer for safe keeping. I forgot it.

The breakfast bar is near where the coffee maker is kept. The coffee maker I murdered today. Guess where a lot of the flying water and coffee grounds ended up? You guessed it. The breakfast bar. So that poor little keyboard has survived brewed coffee and now unbrewed coffee and it still works. It’s an Apple product so that explains it.

Oh, and have you ever tried to clean up a kitchen after throwing around dry coffee grounds that mix with water? Yeah. Have you ever lay on the beach? You know how it’s impossible to wash off all the sand? It’s like that. I must admit though, scrubbing the kitchen after I ate and talked to B and decided to go on meds and calmed down was rather cathartic.

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Filed under apple Inc, birthday, coffeeholic, doc, family, Gamma, humor as coping skill, Jayden, mental health, misty eyes