Ah, it’s been awhile since I wrote a nothing post. I really don’t know what to do at the moment and haven’t enjoyed blogging for blogging’s sake in so long. So, when you’re bored and killing time, what better thing to do than open up a blank blog and just write?
I’m feeling a bit blah right now. Yesterday I went and worked out like normal, came home and felt my normal afternoon fatigue, settled in to crochet and wait for the game when a wave of exhaustion, a deluge of pure fatigue from my bones to my skin, crashed over me with no warning. My eyes didn’t want to stay open. I zoned out completely during the game until something happened and the announcer’s voices got louder. Whoa, that kind of mind altering fatigue is always disconcerting. I instantly jump to why. Why am I this tired? What did I do differently? Then I remind myself that my body doesn’t need an explanation.
It was becoming clear though, that I didn’t feel well. My throat felt sore, my ears felt full of pressure. Allergies? Or am I getting sick? As the hours passed I felt worse and worse. I told B I didn’t know if I should call Dave and cancel this morning’s lesson. We meet early on Tuesdays, so if I was gonna cancel, I didn’t want him to wake up early. B said that by judging how I looked and sounded, I wouldn’t feel up for a lesson this morning. So I called Dave and he said someone at work had gotten smacked by a bug that came on fast and took her down for a few days. Great.
I took some cold medicine and went to bed and woke up this morning to a visit from Aunt Flo. Ooooh. Is she the reason for the sudden onset of body numbing fatigue? You know, Aunt Flo is a real brat. I hate her monthly inflitrations. Bah.
Lori and I are supposed to hang out today. We’ve been getting together Mondays, but she was busy yesterday and Tuesdays actually work better for me anyway. She sent a text this morning asking if we’re on and I told her I think so, but I’m playing by ear.
So that’s where things stand. I’m in this moment between feeling like utter crap and feeling ok. It’s a limbo. I think, yeah I’ll be fine to hang out, run to Walgreens, grab a Starbucks. No problem. I’ll just stay loaded up on Advil and I have plenty of Always Infiniti. But then I think, ok a shower will feel great and that way I’ll be presentable to leave the house. And I have those cute new capris Gamma ordered me. I get excited thinking about putting on my new clothes, if only to see my clerks at Walgreens, when the realization that I have to take a shower rushes in.
A shower. Invigorating. Hot water massaging my aching muscles, cascading on my crampy belly. It sounds so inviting. But will it be an exhausting shower? It’s hit and miss with me. Sometimes a shower makes me feel great, other times I have to collapse for awhile after. Since I’m coming out of a recent fatigue, and with Aunt Flo nagging at me, a shower might put me down for the rest of the day.
That’s a long explanation for why I’m sitting here contemplating whether to shower. But, welcome to my life haha! I’m so brain missing that I can’t even concentrate on reading my classmates’ last assignment and giving feedback. The writing workshop has come to a close and I really need to get over there. But have you tried to make your brain work when you feel about four hundred pounds, full of aches, like you’re stuck in quick sand? Yeah, I’d rather write about nothing.
Writing about nothing is such an oxy moron. Is it possible to write about nothing? Nothing is a word, so it’s something. I never know what will come out when I sit down to write about nothing. I really didn’t expect to share my womanly woes with the world. Sorry to the two men who read my blog haha. There might be more men. They don’t comment though, if they read.
I hear a cat eating. I wonder if it’s Timmy monster. I have to lock him up every time I leave the apartment. He’s become a total escape artist. He’s so easy to trick though. In the mornings I just open the door and he runs to howl at the screen. I snatch him up and put him in a room. Other times, I just open and shut the screen door and he comes running. He meows and purrs, rubbing on my leg, making it easy for me to grab him. I hope he never gets wise to my schemes.
The weather has been nice enough that I can leave just the screen open for most of the early afternoon. I love hearing the birds chatter amongst themselves. Jayden loves to lay by the door, getting fresh air. It’s all so soothing. Until Timmy starts. Meow! Howl! Meeeeeow! Let me out! I want out! Let me get dirty! Let me let me let me!
It’s not so peaceful anymore. I grit my teeth and wait for him to tire himself. He does. He’s quiet. Until Jayden wants to go out, I trick Timmy, lock him up, let him out and meow meow meow let me out let me out let me out!
Ah, the joys of pet ownership.
For now it’s quiet. I hear Alex echo my letters as I type. I hear a song bird outside, the kind I love. She sounds so merry. I hear B’s computer hum. I hear the fridge making it’s strange click clack noise.
I love the quiet.
Oh hey, you know what I haven’t done in awhile here? Brag. About me. I brag about Jayden, but I haven’t bragged about myself and I feel the desire because I’m so proud. Back in my drinking days, at my heaviest weight, I was about 230. I wore a size twenty two. When I stopped drinking, the weight poured off after cutting all those calories and carbs. I think the smallest I got was maybe a 16. Then I got sick and quite inactive and I ballooned up again. Then I went blind and started O & M and dropped weight again. But I still wasn’t exactly fit and strong. I started working out in September to prepare for Jayden and to help with the MS fatigue. At first weigh in I was 179. I really started noticing changes, clothes fitting looser, muscles getting firm, less flab.
Now I’m so active that the changes are impossible to not notice. I got tons of compliments at the bbq on Saturday. But the coolest thing is that Gamma was able to order me clothes out of a catalogue and they fit. She got me two pairs of capris and two tank tops. and actually I could have gotten away with a size smaller than I got. She ordered fourteens and they’re somewhat loose. I don’t think they’ll fit for long. And I’m strong. I’ve never felt strong. I’m getting an athlete’s body, something I’ve never had. I don’t feel jiggling when I walk. I don’t feel like my arms have wings when I wave. I’m freaking strong! It’s so cool to be strong. I don’t feel like a wimpy woman. I don’t feel afraid. I love being strong! It’s looking like I’ll even join a goalball team in the fall! Me, strong. Me, with an athlete’s body. It’s sooo cool! I’m twelve pounds away from my target weight of 150. I can hardly even believe it! So there’s my brag on me hehe! Man, can you imagine how horrible the fatigue would be if I wasn’t strong? I can hardly remember. I mean, the fatigues are still horrible. They’re still bad enough that I can’t even commit to a Tuesday Walgreens run. It will never get to a point where I could work and be reliable, but it’s definitely more manageable now that I’m strong. And when I need to, I can put on a burst of energy to carry me through a twenty minute walk with Jayden.
Alrighty, I need to find something to put into my stomach. I decided not to risk a shower. I don’t smell, so I won’t knock people down at Walgrens hahaha! Well, I won’t knock them down with smell, but I could knock someone down with my muscle haha!